Dear Coleen,
I’m a man in my late-30s and came out of a long-term relationship just before the pandemic.
I felt lonely and miserable for a long time, but then I met a woman about a year ago who I’ve been seeing casually ever since. She made it clear from the beginning she didn’t want a traditional relationship – no dating, no long-term future. And I was OK with that for a long time because I just wanted companionship, fun sex and to put my last relationship behind me.
Now, though, it’s not enough. I feel ready for commitment and want a long-term future with someone, and possibly marriage and a family.
I went over to hers last week and told her all this, but she won’t change her mind.
She says she’s happy with the way things are. She’s divorced and says she never wants to marry again and has everything she needs.
I really like her and the sex is the best of my life, so it’s tempting to carry on.
I’m confused because I know she’s ultimately not right for me, but I’ve developed feelings for her and hate the idea of another break-up and being alone again.
Coleen says
It seems clear cut that you both want different things and she’s been up front from the start.
If you want more than that, then you are wasting your time with her. You should never stay with someone because you’re afraid of being on your own. Trust me, you’ll feel more alone being with someone who doesn’t want what you want.
You have to believe you deserve more than what you’ve got with this woman.
You have loads of love to give someone and she’s not The One. Try not to look at the end of this relationship in a negative way – it’s not right for you. But it has done its job. It helped you to move on and you had fun, but it always had a shelf life and it’s reached its expiry date.
If you come out of this relationship, you’ll have the time and the headspace to look for opportunities to meet a woman who does want a more traditional relationship and is open to the things you want.
Sometimes pride gets in the way and makes us determined to go after or cling on to someone who’ll never be completely ours.
It’s like a challenge and that can be attractive.
Don’t let fear stop you from trusting your gut and remember you survived a break-up before.
