A woman is tired of hearing about her boyfriend’s ex on vacation. A therapist weighs in on what to say

Unimaginably Good Travel and Yahoo may earn commission from links in this article.

A tourist couple in Florence sits eating donuts on a sidewalk street outside on a summer day. One partner refuses the pastry, looking irritated. (ProfessionalStudioImages via Getty Images)A trip to a favorite city comes with plenty of memories. But when some of those memories belong to a partner's past relationship, a simple sightseeing plan can turn into a tense conversation.

One Redditor just learned this on a getaway with her boyfriend of just over a year.

The original poster, 35, wrote in r/AmItheAsshole thread about her boyfriend, 39, who spent six and a half years with a woman she calls "Halle." The two lived together, shared a dog and had "amazing adventures." He had been single for almost two years when the couple met, and the poster described feeling "pretty secure" in the relationship.

She was so secure, she'd come to realize, that she may have ignored a few facts. Her boyfriend keeps Halle saved in his phone under a nickname with a heart emoji. On his birthday, he spent three hours having drinks with Halle, who was in town briefly. While still with Halle, he called the poster to ask if Halle could join the birthday drinks planned with friends later in the evening so the two women could meet. The poster said no and told him she would prefer to meet Halle another time.

A few days later, the couple went on vacation. They arrived in a city he knows well. According to the original poster, every activity he suggested came with a Halle story. "We did this" and "we did that." She asked to try things he had never done there so the two could make new memories. He brushed off the idea, according to her memory of the incident, so she finally told him directly she wanted to skip the Halle stories and the activities he specifically remembers doing with her.

The boyfriend acted confused. He told the original poster the Halle stories were a coincidence, and that he recommended the activities simply because they are things he loves to do. They had nothing to do with Halle, he swore.

And then, like so many women do, the original poster began to spiral. We can see her thought process in real-time, with an update she wrote mentioning that, come to think of it, her name closely resembles Halle's. And her dog's name closely resembles the name of the dog the exes shared, who had since passed away.

She closed by asking readers, "AITA for not wanting to do his favorite things and create new memories?"

Roughly 1,800 Redditors upvoted the post, and about 146 commented. The consensus was "Not the A-hole." Many commenters pointed to the heart emoji and the similar names, and the top comment called her "Halle 2.0." I brought the story to therapist Ilana Grines for her read on what went wrong, and how couples can keep a shared trip on track.

About the expert: The professional who weighed in is Ilana Grines, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist and relationship expert who works with individuals and couples in California. Grines has not met the people involved, and her comments reflect only what the poster wrote.

A couple has a serious discussion while sitting inside car.

If this couple sat in her office, Grines said, she would start by acknowledging how significant the boyfriend's past relationship was. Six and a half years is a long time to share a life. That's hard for both the new girlfriend, who feels left out, and the boyfriend, who is now trying to help his new partner understand the formidable experiences that defined his earlier life.

"It's very difficult to have memories and experiences that they didn't do together," she said. "And I would empathize with that."

Next, she would ask the original poster what it means to her to be with someone who had such an important relationship, and she would empathize with how difficult it is when so much of a partner's history is tied up with another person. Then she would turn the conversation to the present.

"He's chosen to be with her, not with Halle, and there's a choice that was made and that choice is pretty significant," Grines said.

Grines also noticed the poster describes feeling secure, while the post suggests there is still some insecurity at play. She recommends that the couple have an honest, but respectful conversation about what beneath the boyfriend's stories is bothering the original poster.

A couple stands in a modern urban plaza comparing smartphones and looking concerned.

Grines also said that the birthday call—which raised skepticism from Redditors who cried "He's not over her,"—was surprisingly a point in the boyfriend's favor.

"It actually paints him in a really positive light because he didn't have to call her," Grines said. "He went out of his way to call her. He's asking for permission, and he's respecting her desires in the moment."

The original poster also told her boyfriend she would "prefer to meet [Halle] another time," which Grines read as an open door. "She never said, I don't want to talk about her anymore," Grines said. In her view, the boyfriend may have been taking her words at face value.

That may be why, when the poster asked him to skip the Halle stories, Grines said his dismissive reply reads as defensive and confused. He probably thought his girlfriend had been receptive up until that point and didn't anticipate the sudden change in tone.

That does not make his behavior warranted, Grines disclaimed, but it explains the reaction. Nothing previously in the post indicates he would brush aside a clear request, she said.

Grines said the best moment to speak up came right after the birthday phone call, while the couple was already talking openly about Halle. She described what the poster could have said: "These are my constraints. These are the things that I don't feel comfortable with. This is how I would like your relationship with her to proceed."

Without an early talk, the original poster's suspicions traveled along on the trip. And then, those suspicions became insecurities, causing her brain to go into overdrive with worry.

"By the time you get on vacation, you've already bottled up all these feelings from that evening about drinks and you're going into the vacation primed with some feelings about it," Grines said.

The couple had established honesty and openness, Grines said, but the poster's comfort level then changed. Without knowing that, the boyfriend continued to behave with the contract they originally set.

"But she changed the social contract, so she should have communicated that at some point, in my professional opinion," Grines said.

Neither person is the villain here. Nobody is the "a-hole." However, both have room to grow in their communication and trust. The poster can keep in mind how long the past relationship lasted and how formidable it must have been, and the boyfriend can bring sensitivity to how his stories come across.

Close-up of a couple having a good time, toasting with drinks while having Thai cuisine.

Most couples spend their pre-trip talking on logistics. That may be part of the problem that everyone faces, including this Reddit couple.

"People travel, and they only talk about their flight and their hotel," Grines said. "They never talk about all the other things."

But they should. Grines suggested couples share their daily preferences. "Are you a 7 a.m. museum gal or are you 10 a.m. breakfast gal?" she asked. "Are you going to want to sit at a coffee shop for three hours and people watch or do you want to sit in a museum?"

Closeness does not require sameness, she said. "You don't have to be the same as your partner and spend every minute together to be a really great couple."

It's also important to remember that disagreements are part of travel too.

"No couple goes into vacation being perfect, and no couple's gonna go on vacation and not fight," Grines said. "You're out of your routines. You're out of your norms."

Putting aside the goal of perfection, another, perhaps healthier goal is quicker repair. Grines said couples' hope should be to "repair conflict faster" on vacation, since time is precious and you want to make the most of your memories.

So, when a fight stirs up a big reaction, Grines suggests asking yourself, "What do you believe underneath that statement?" The answer, she said, is something to talk about directly, because attacking each other is never helpful.

Hiking companions cross a sunlit alpine meadow with trekking poles, backpacks and camera.

Grines said revisiting old favorites is normal. "We all walk into the world with history. If I had an enjoyable experience, then I want to share that with the person I love."

She suggested that the original poster reframe her story from "my boyfriend is turning me into his replacement girlfriend" with "my partner wants to include me in something that he enjoys."

A neutral pre-trip talk can help partners understand their favorite activities, eliminating any room for doubt about motives or emotional hangups. Doing this might not solve everything in your partnership, but it helps you understand the person you're dating better and decide on activities you both love.

(And, at the very least, doing this diligence will help you eliminate variables so that, if memories of their exes are truly sabotaging the relationship—you'll know.)

Following Grines' advice, here are five questions couples can ask before the next trip.

Are we early-morning or late-breakfast people?

Are you an active vacationer, or a lounge-by-the-pool person?

Do you like returning to familiar spots, or experiencing new places on vacation?

How much time do we want for sightseeing/museums, and how much for coffee shops and people watching?

Which places are special to each of us, and how would we like to share them?

Things will come up—how do we come back together after a disagreement?

Loved this one? FOLLOW Unimaginably Good Travel for more adventures.

Grab my book, Emotionally Sober and Unimaginably Good, to dig into the patterns we pick up as kids and what it takes to clear them away for a better life.

Come say hi on Instagram @megdematteo for daily travel, music and general shenanigans.

How this was made: AI assisted with planning, research, formatting, interview transcription and metadata for this article. All reporting, product testing, research, interviews, fact-checking, writing and editing is done by Megan DeMatteo, an independent writer and editor who, like many solo creators, handles the full workload of a traditional newsroom team. Unimaginably Good Travel does not use AI-generated photography, though Megan sometimes use AI-enabled tools to remove background people from photos (this article does not contain any).