It’s difficult to admit when things aren’t going so well in your relationship. If you don’t want to lose your girlfriend, you first need to figure out where things went wrong and what the issue is. Communicate openly and honestly and work together to find a solution. You may also be able to prevent future problems by giving the relationship your all and treating your girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated.
Pay attention to her behavior to figure out what’s bothering her. Notice when she acts strange or distant. Is it when you start talking about the new girl in class? Maybe she’s jealous. Or does she sigh every time you say you’re playing video games? Maybe she wishes you’d spend more time with her. Analyze the signals to see if you can uncover the issue. Listen to the tone in her voice or any changes in how she communicates with you. For example, if she usually texts you back right away but doesn’t respond to messages whenever you mention meeting her mom, maybe you need to slow down the pace. Additionally, watch her nonverbal cues to help you understand what she’s feeling. For example, she may be pulling away from you and refusing to make eye contact if she’s upset. Do not ask her friends if they know what’s wrong. It could backfire if they tell her and she interprets it as you going behind her back!
Find a time and place for the two of you to talk privately. Figure out when she has a chunk of time available, preferably at least 30 minutes so you don’t feel rushed. Ask if you can get together to talk somewhere that you won’t be interrupted or overheard, like at the park or in your living room. For example, call her and say, “Hi Ama. Do you think you could come over to my house tomorrow after school for like an hour?” Warning: Do not text her asking what’s wrong. This is a conversation that is best to have in person, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable.
Address the issue directly. Though you may feel awkward or nervous, it’s best not to beat around the bush. Tell your girlfriend that you’re worried you’re going to lose her or that it feels like something about your relationship has changed. Be as specific as possible, but try not to blame her. You could say, “I feel some distance in our relationship and it worries me. Have I done something to upset you?” or “Has something been bothering you lately?” Use “I” statements and specific examples to keep the focus on the issue. Don’t say things like “you always do this” or “you never do this.” Shifting the blame may make her feel defensive, which can make it harder to work out the problem. Instead, give her examples of what you’re talking about. Say, “I noticed that you’ve been really quiet the last few times that we’ve hung out. Is something wrong?” or “I feel like you’re not that into me anymore. Have your feelings changed?”
Maintain open and friendly body language so she doesn’t feel attacked. Sit in a relaxed position with your arms uncrossed and your body relaxed so she feels comfortable. Maintain eye contact to convey that you’re listening and that you’re interested. You can also lean in slightly or hold her hand to show you’re completely focused on her. Avoid negative signals, like looking away, pursing your lips, or furrowing your brow.
Be a good listener by allowing her to share her feelings. Even if she starts accusing you or if she says the problem is your fault, let her talk and get it out. Don’t become defensive. Sit and listen to her and try to put yourself in her shoes so you can understand where she’s coming from.
Ask questions if you need clarification or don’t understand her point of view. If you don’t understand why she’s upset or if you aren’t sure what she expects from you, ask! Be open and honest while you talk and ask her to do the same. You can also ask questions to show her that you’re listening. For instance if she says, “I’m just a little frustrated because we never get to spend time alone,” you could respond with, “I didn’t realize it bothered you that we do stuff with our friends so often. Do you want to set aside a few nights a week just for us?”
Apologize sincerely if you’ve done something to upset her. Set your ego aside and say “I’m sorry” for anything that you’ve done wrong, making sure to state it out loud so she knows you were listening. Do your best to accept responsibility for your mistakes, however minor they may seem to you. Remember that they’re clearly important to her and holding onto any resentment will just hurt your relationship. Don’t be afraid to be the first to apologize, even if you don’t think you’re in the wrong. In some cases, you may have done something to hurt her without realizing it or intending to hurt her. It’s important to recognize how she feels and show her that you didn’t mean to hurt her. For instance, if she is upset that you don’t get to see each other very often, you could say, “I’m really sorry, Shelley. I’ve been so busy with school and baseball practice that I haven’t gotten to hang out with you much lately.”
Come up with a solution that works for both of you. Be prepared to negotiate and discuss the problem to come up with something that makes you both happy. Try to be patient and understanding, and hear her feedback when she has concerns instead of arguing or lashing out. Understand that compromise involves sacrifice and that you won’t always get your way. Remember that she’s giving up things, too, and that there’s no “winning” or “losing.” For instance, if she’s upset that your friend is always hanging out at your place, say “I understand you don’t want Chris with us all the time. But he’s also my best friend and struggling with some personal stuff right now so I don’t want to just cut him off completely. How do you feel about letting him hang out with us 2 night a week from now on?” Keep in mind that some problems can’t be resolved and there’s a possibility that your relationship may end. While this is difficult to face, it may turn out to be for best in the long run.
Give her space if she asks for it. Try not to be too clingy, especially following an argument or a rocky period. Even if you want to be with her 24/7, let her enjoy a night out with her friends or take some quiet time to herself so you don’t suffocate her or drive her away. Tip: Use this opportunity to take some time for yourself. Pursue your own interests and hobbies, which will actually strengthen your bond as it gives you both time to miss each other.
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