Honesty is a necessary ingredient for a lasting relationship. However, there are certain things about us and our past that are hard to admit and better left unsaid.
Past behavior can be a predictor of future behavior but that is not always the case. You want someone to love you the way you are right now and not judge you based on your past. That is easier said than done, isn’t it?
The truth is, most of us spend the first few weeks, maybe months in a new relationship, obsessed with our partner’s past behavior. We ask about exes because we want to know details about why they broke up. We want to know about their sexual history even though we are scared of the answers.
Some secrets we keep are trivial and can be revealed in due time. Others, however, are serious and requires a significant amount of trust with a new partner before they can be divulged. There are a few secrets which are so deeply buried in the past that they are no longer relevant. In other words, some skeletons should remain in the closet.
Below are five of the most common secrets we keep which can destroy a relationship if revealed.
Past relationships with a married person
Married people cheat and they cheat a lot. It is a fact of life and there are quite a lot of people out there who have slept with a married man or woman. The fear of being labeled a home wrecker is enough to make most people lock up this secret and throw away the key. How will you feel if you discovered that the person you just fell madly in love with is capable of sleeping with a married person? It is natural to want to know the motivation behind the decision to sleep with a married person in the first place. Was he or she aware that the person was married? Did he or she sleep with the married person for financial gains or for sexual gratification? Any and every reason one offers for sleeping with a married person will never be good enough so why disclose the encounter.
Past relationships with Sugar daddies and sugar mummies
The concept behind a sugar daddy or sugar mummy arrangement is pretty simple. If you are a young lady or man, a rich old man or woman who is not necessarily married will agree to take care of all your financial needs in exchange for your company and sexual services. These arrangements have been around for decades and no one in their right mind will admit that they ever had a relationship with a sugar daddy or sugar mummy. The first question should you disclose that you dated a sugar daddy will go like this; “So you allowed an 80-year-old wrinkled and flabby dead wood inside your rainforest in exchange for a trip to Dubai?” The next time your new girlfriend mentions that her non-existent rich uncle bought her the latest iPhone or laptop, you may have to wonder if she is really talking about her sugar daddy from a previous life.
Past sexual encounters with friends
There are always one or two friends in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s life who simply give you pause and make you question if they are covering up a past tryst. It gets scarier if the friend in question is still single and very good looking. Your lover will certainly not disclose if he or she boned a close friend at some point in time. Why should they? Should you ask, the response may go like this “He or she was around before I met you. If I was interested, I would have been dating him or her by now.” Yes, that is a good response but tell me about that time when you both got a little tipsy and ripped each other’s clothes off. Most will deny and cover up any past trysts with a close friend who is still lingering around.
The number of past sexual partners
Each and every time I have broken my own rule and asked a woman how many sexual partners she has had; I end up regretting asking in the first place. Everyone knows most will have an opinion no matter how high or low the number is. High numbers for a woman may signal to a new boyfriend that she is easy or promiscuous. Most will rather not bring up the topic at all. Women are known to shave a few men off their number, while men are likely to add to it. The number of past sexual partners is still a touchy subject that can make or break a relationship.
Abortions is a very serious life decision and most will like to keep that chapter of their lives shut forever. It is a tough decision to make and no matter the reason or reasons, it is never easy bringing up the subject again. A past abortion is not a question which comes up at the onset of a relationship because neither party raises it. In reality, you may never find out that your girlfriend had an abortion or that, your boyfriend had a previous lover who had an abortion.
Understand that most secrets do not stay secret for long, especially if others know about it. The problem occurs when the secret is disclosed by someone other than your lover.
Secrets are kept at the beginning of a relationship because being totally honest with someone means that you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. A position which may lead a lover to misjudge you or break off the relationship altogether.
When you build enough trust and you are ready to open up to your partner, the secrets you kept will start to become shared secrets. Shared secrets are much better because someone else is helping you carry the load.
By Kwadjo Panyin