Entertainment of Friday, 5 May 2017
Source: Dr. John Boakye
It is impossible to have a marriage without problems. What you do in times of difficulties is what determines the health of your marriage. Some live in lifeless marriage, some use their conflicts as agents to nurture their marriage but the majority simply give up.
It is natural that after the break up many plays the blame game and exonerate themselves especially if they see themselves as good.
Some believe destiny, karma or faith are responsible for their failures. Some people, therefore, wear rings, amulets to protect themselves from bad luck. To such people, the key to successful marriage is good luck.
This is why it is common to hear those in difficult marriages or divorces say in Akan ‘me ti nye aware mu’ or ‘I am not lucky in marriage’
Is marriage all about good luck?
Marriage experts assert that it takes more than good luck to have a successful marriage. Fact is good women do not have bad luck in marriage. However, in their ignorance and naivety, they get into bad relationships and marriages.
It is also a fact that good women fall for bad guys. In our institutions, for example, it is common for the bad guys to have lots of girls while the good men ‘chew on’.
Many theories attempt to explain this situation. Some think nature seeks a balance by making opposites attract. This means good women may be attracted to men who have opposite and bad qualities.
Some women also grew up in dysfunctional homes and were abused and unloved especially by their fathers. These women grow up with emotional pain and unconsciously fall in love with the sort of men like their fathers. They fall into a cycle of dating bad men who create similar painful past in their attempt to heal their past.
For such women the greater the pain in their marriages the more their early memories are activated and the stronger they hold on to the bad marriages.
If you talk them out of their marriages, they ignore you because what you feel is bad feels good to them. And when they eventually leave they ignore all good men because they think these men are boring and do not create the environment that heals their past.
They go back to the same bad men. Some call it compulsive repetitive order.
Some women have low esteem and do not know what to look for. They think all men are bad and will accept any man for a lover even when they see red flags all over. They put all the problems in their marriage on themselves and think they do not deserve better.
Some stay in bad marriages because they think it is the marriage that defines them and that without it, they are nothing. Some women also find thrilling and exciting the crazy ideas of bad men and feel more secure with them. They think bad men make them feel good and must stay and change them.
Sadly good women have the fantasy to turn bad men to good. They believe if you can change a bad man it shows you really love him.
Many years ago a Reverend Sister tried to change an ex-convict. She ended up eloping with him. There are also many stories about good women who fell in love with drug addicts, paedophiles, alcoholics and armed robbers in failed attempts to change them.
Once they fall in love they become too blind to see the bad actions of their lovers till the inevitable happens.
Are you unlucky in marriage?
Appreciate that what you find in your lover before you marry is what you find in marriage because it is almost impossible to change a lover when you marry.
If you keep choosing bad men chances are you continue to have bad marriage after bad marriage. And also note that second and third marriages are harder than first marriages.
If you choose a bad partner and go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, you may have bad marriage after bad marriage. If you choose someone with compatible qualities and work hard on your marriage, your marriage will work. This has nothing to do with good or bad luck
The partner you choose may make or unmake you for life. Therefore do not hold marriage in low esteem by gambling on luck and hiding under romantic love which may fade and leave you completely vulnerable.
You can create a fulfilling marriage if you work hard for it. Start as friends because at this stage you see each other ‘fiili fiil’ or as you are. Marry right and play your God given roles well.
With commitment, effective communication, forgiving spirit and prayer you will have a fulfilling marriage. There is luck only where there is hard work.
If there be any luck in marriage let it be your hard work. You are the only key to a happy marriage.