‘Sir David Beckham? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird’ – Goodbye Ian Holloway, your crazy ways will be missed

BPL, Blackpool and Birmingham City, Ian Holloway (Getty Images)

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By Nick Price

“Sepp Blatter and all of them lot, Mr Platini, I know he was a good player but he aint very good at what he does, I don’t think. I think he’s useless, you can quote me on that. Wait till I get home and tell my turkeys we’re moving Christmas.”

Holloway gives his measured response to the news that Qatar have been selected to host the 2022 World Cup.

“In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony Pulis uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory’s throw. Call that cinnamon and he’s got a cinnamon flavoured cake.”

The madcap boss describes Stoke City as a cake. Presumably a cheap one only liked by a few people and with not much icing on the top.

“It’s been an absolute living nightmare, to be honest. It is just ludicrous, I don’t see who it benefits at all. When my wife’s shopping, we need some milk and bread on a regular basis. We can’t buy it all at the start and then wait until January because it would have all gone off.”

Ollie gives his take on the transfer window. Carrying on his shopping metaphor, we imagine mouldy January loan signing James Beattie needs to be thrown out as he was past his sell-by date when they brought him to Bloomfield Road.

“If he’s only worth £4 million, then I’m a Scotsman called MacTavish.”

Holloway reacts the only way he knows how – with a bizarre quip – when the vultures circled to swoop for Charlie Adam in January.

“Dream on! If they want to insult me by only offering £3.5m and then get it all over the paper and try to upset me well, sorry, they’re barking up the wrong tree, they’re messing with the wrong dog and I’ll come and bite them.”

“I’ve killed some of my cockerels this week. I like living where I’m living and I ended up with 14 of them. I had to stand on a broom and I had to do something that took their life away. If I was soft and hadn’t done the first one, I couldn’t have carried on and done the rest of them. I think if we did anything wrong today we didn’t step on the broom and we didn’t pull hard enough at the right time in the game to get us the win I felt we could get. So well done to West Brom. Not only did they get up, they ran off and took our female cockerels away from us, didn’t they? So you get what I’m saying?”

“On a looks front my wife’s got a lot more about her than H but on a managerial front he takes some beating.”

Ian reveals his respect for his old mate Harry Redknapp by comparing him to his wife, though saying she’s only “a lot more” attractive than the Tottenham boss isn’t a particularly nice compliment.

“Sir David Beckham? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We’d never hear the end of it!”

Holloway mocks talk of the former England captain receiving a knighthood.

“Why haven’t they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren’t we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it – with not much training. We might as well go back to being cavemen, grab our girl by the hair, drag her into the cave whether she wants to come in or not because we may as well live in that age. We’ve come forward, haven’t we?”

The world has come forward, we’ll give you that Ian, but we’re not entirely sure that you have evolved quite like the rest of us.

The Seasiders boss hits back at a journalist and reveals his respect for Blackpool’s iconic animal.

“‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ is one of my dad’s favourite songs; he’s no longer with us and I was singing it with them.”

Holloway got involved in a sing along with the Liverpool fans when he took Blackpool to Anfield.

“When you’ve got nine back, you do not expect to let three in, so I’ll have to look at that.”

Holloway shows he isn’t the sharpest tool in the box when it comes to arranging a defence after his side shipped five in defeat to Everton.

Ian reveals his love for the late king of pop, who has been commemorated at Craven Cottage with a tacky statue that looks like a giant, movie tie-in shampoo bottle.

“We’re not even David and Goliath, we’re like a gladiator going into the arena with a toothpick. I might come up against a sword and a shield but we aren’t half having a stab at it and I need the lads to keep believing.”

Rallying the troops and sharpening the toothpicks after losing to Arsenal.

“There’s only one word for me: pride. We needed to play well and we did against a fantastic side and you can see the improvement my club has made. We believe in ourselves again. We’ve had a little wobble but there’s a few games to play yet.”

Holloway speaks a little prematurely after Blackpool battle – and Adam snaps Gareth Bale’s ankle – for a point at Tottenham.

“They will be relieved if we lose and get relegated. Then I am not badgering them.”

The paranoid gaffer thinks the Premier League wanted his side to go down, which they almost certainly didn’t, but they probably didn’t like him ringing up every day to whinge and moan about anything and everything.

“Sir Alex Ferguson is a winner. He would never dream of not being interested in winning any match. That man deserves to pick whatever team he wants to pick. No one should question it. Look at his record. Those people running the game, what planet are they on? They must have beamed down from planet Zarf. They are not in the right world.”

“I’ve always been an eternal optimist.”

“The fat lady has finished singing and unfortunately I don’t like her tune. That’s it in football. You’re famous for two seconds in football and then you’re gone.”