What we learned this week… Wayne Rooney takes ‘banter’ a bit too far

By Nick Price

Wayne Rooney makes an idiot of himself on Twitter, again

The striker signed up to the social networking site last month amid a fanfare, and since his opening post – “Hi all this is Wayne Rooney just started so bare with me xoxo” – he’s been excellent value, what with his brilliant retorts to the portly and utterly boring Piers Morgan (we’re exaggerating here, his comeback gags could have been written by a 12-year-old, much like WWLTW), his boasts about his Call of Duty record, and posting a picture of his IQ score shaved into his chest the day he wrapped up the Premier League title for Manchester United – or at least that’s what I think the grotesque ’19’ carved out between his funny nipples meant.

But this week he morphed from loveable semi-literate working class hero to nothing more than a gurning, irresponsible, violent clown (for some of you he’s always been just that).

After receiving a torrent of abuse from one of his followers, Rooney, who could probably start a fight with his own reflection because it’s that horrific and he’s that angry, hit back to some idiot on Twitter (there are millions of them, including this column), and challenged him to a fight outside United’s training ground.

In fairness, WWLTW would probably have snapped back too – albeit with an expletive-ridden “yo momma so fat” joke rather than offering a fight – had some faceless bully sent it some vile threat. But the England striker, with his hundreds of thousands of followers and a public profile that makes him the world’s most recognisable ugly man, should know better than to try and start a fight with a kid (for one thing, they’re really good at kicking you in the shins and they have no qualms about hitting you in the crown jewels).

Rooney predictably and pathetically tried to play down his threat (“I will put u asleep within 10 seconds hope u turn up if u don’t gonna tell everyone ur scared u little nit. I’ll be waiting”) as nothing more than a bit of “banter”, a word often used by football-types as a get out of jail card whenever they’re accused of being bullies or bigots (Andy Gray and Richard Keys, formerly of Sky Sports and now flogging bathroom tiles on the radio, this season tried to pass off a flurry of sexist innuendos as nothing more than a bit of harmless tomfoolery).

Except, it isn’t “banter” – it’s childish, aggressive stupidity. Wayne, you’re better than that… well, maybe you are, you haven’t exactly painted a portrait of a normal adult over the past year.

So I told him he’s got moobs! LOL! | Stars discuss their Twitter feud with Piers Morgan

Jermain Defoe’s powers of reason are about as good as his strike rate this season

The impish striker this week moaned about not getting picked by Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp on a regular basis, as if there was some sort of mystery why the non-scoring forward wasn’t being selected.

“I want to help the club achieve things, win trophies and get in the Champions League, but when you feel like you are working hard, training hard and being professional, and then for some reason you are not playing, it is difficult,” Defoe sobbed to Sky Sports News, while struggling to drink through a straw and looking confusingly at a dog.

It really isn’t that bewildering why, after scoring just four Premier League goals (his first of the season coming as late as March), he hasn’t been a regular starter for Redknapp.

Let’s break it down for you, Jermain, it’s really quite simple:

Managers like their strikers to be scoring goals. Fans like their strikers to be scoring goals. Score goals. Happy fans. Happy manager. Get picked.

Here’s what you shouldn’t be doing:

Playing badly and missing sitters for eight months before hitting a couple and reverting back to being rubbish and then moaning about not getting picked.

As that little meerkat says: stop being such a crap striker simples.

What we will learn this weekend…

Grown men up and down England will cry as a couple of teams get relegated from the Premier League. WWLTW seriously hopes one of them isn’t Wigan, as it’ll be there to watch them live and has an irrational fear of adult males getting teary eyed. Michael Owen will get a rare start for Manchester United and will then Tweet on about his vital contribution to the team’s title success. Ian Holloway will go on a massive rant about anything and everything when Blackpool bow out of the Premier League. Following Rooney‘s example, Arsene Wenger will shave his IQ – 212 – into his chest to show Arsenal fans that he’s still the Professor.

David Sullivan lives in cloud cuckoo land

This week West Ham co-owner David Sullivan – a man who should probably stick to what he’s good at by making pornography, not that WWLTW has seen any of that, rather than trying to run football clubs – declared himself “amused” that so many managers had ruled themselves out of taking over the vacant hot seat at Upton Park.

Because, of course, any half-decent manager in their right mind would love to take on that poisoned chalice, especially when they’re down in the Championship, bossed about by three of the biggest idiots in the game (they tactfully sacked Avram Grant in the tunnel after defeat to Wigan), and have less financial clout than a busker with holes in his pockets on a spending spree at Harrods.

Yeah, it’s a really plush job you’re advertising, David.

Before appointing a new West Ham boss, the owners should make all applicants undergo a psychiatric test to verify that they are insane as no man of sound mind could possibly work for a club as well run as a chocolate factory in the hottest chambers of hell.

And that’s not even mentioning the end of season party which ended in a dust-up between fans and players. A really slick operation they’ve got running down in east London.

Expect Andre Villas-Boas and Jose Mourinho to be on the phone pronto, David.

Don’t be so Sulli | WWLTW finds David’s dress sense “amusing”

Carlos Tevez isn’t the biggest joke at Manchester City

Is it just WWLTW, or is anyone else getting a bit fed up of the Argentine striker playing ‘they love me, they love me not’ every bloody week?

The 27-year-old is paid a more than handsome wage, is idolised by supporters at the City of Manchester Stadium, is the club captain and is virtually guaranteed a place in the team regardless of how many multimillion pound signings rock into town to fight for a spot in the XI. Yet he still whinges and antagonises about his status, throwing his toys out of the pram whenever he senses that he isn’t the centre of attention.

In December, following Rooney’s tactless act to get a new bumper contract at Old Trafford, he handed in a transfer request and even considered quitting the game altogether due to homesickness, though boss Roberto Mancini has recently revealed that the striker was in fact determined to go to Serie A in January (a few thousand miles further away from home for the man from Buenos Aires that is).

A few days later and after clear-the-air talks with “certain executives and individuals” who he had gotten annoyed with – seriously, why does he even care what some suit thinks? – and his request was withdrawn, with City claiming he had “expressed his absolute commitment to the club”. That “absolute” dedication hasn’t lasted long, for he has again been linked with a move to Italy, and despite Mancini telling reporters that the striker had told him he wanted to stay, Tevez has come out again this week to say that he hasn’t actually made his mind up about whether or not to stay.

Things change in football all the time, as they do in any other line of work, but Tevez – who burned bridges with the former fans who idolised him by saying he wouldn’t join Liverpool as they were United’s “rivals” before gleefully signing away at City – is taking the supporters for a ride with these constant pleas for love as he lifts his skirt up to teams all over the world like a cheap tart.

Thing is though, he’s not the most embarrassing person in this episode, the most laughable people are the board who indulge him and his whims and the fans who continue to hero worship him despite him clearly not giving a damn about them. City, sort it out.

You can’t be nice about Howard Webb any more

Pity the poor World Cup final referee for this week Sir Alex Ferguson, Carlo Ancelotti and Tony Pulis were all warned by the FA for saying kind things about him, while his wife is under investigation for telling him that he has a lovely bald head and makes a nice cup of tea.

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