Mock the weekend: Wayne Rooney shaves his chest hair and has his most offensive moment with a camera this season

Wayne Rooney – No.19

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By James Daly

The Jordan award for exhibitionism no-one wants to see
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)

Congratulations are, of course, due to United for winning their 19th league title and becoming England’s most successful side ever, but there needs to be an amendment to the FA rulebook: No player should be allowed to shave a number, icon or any sort of pattern into their chest hair and then post the photo on their Twitter account for the world to see.

United talisman Wayne Rooney did just that after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Blackburn, where Wazza dispatched a late penalty; the point gained wrapping up the championship for Sir Alex Ferguson’s men.

And it goes to prove one thing; footballers have way too much time on their hands. Time, and it appears in Rooney’s case, copious amounts of chest hair. Let’s all hope – nay pray – it doesn’t become the new reveal-a-message-on-your-t-shirt-after-goal-celebration. Jermain Defoe’s ‘100 goals’ would have grown back, for a start.

The Charlie Sheen award for crazy time of the season
Wigan 3-2 West Ham

If it wasn’t Carlton Cole doing his best Nadia Comaneci impression three yards in front of goal with an open net, Rob Green and his right hand post becoming best friends as the ball bounced gratefully back into his hands or an amazing turnaround from two goals down to win 3-2 then it was the byplane with a message for Avram Grant attached to it – “Avram Grant Millwall Legend” for those who don’t already know – that flew over the DW Stadium during the first half. Yes, Wigan’s win over West Ham had everything. And more.

It was, quite simply, the sort of game that encompasses everything we love about football. (Well, unless you are a West Ham fan obviously). But still, it was impossible not to get wrapped up in the action as it unfolded, crazy moment after ridiculous moment.

It might be unprecedented for a game to get a MTW award but it was a ridiculous match, with the small matter of West Ham’s Premier League status riding on it, that it deserves recognition. It was the kind of game that made you pinch yourself to see if it was really happening. Then Robert Green throws one in his own net and you realise “yep, this is totally believable”.

The Britney Spears award for worst comeback
Thomas Vermaelen (Arsenal)

Arsenal fans had been waiting nearly all season to see Belgian centre-back Thomas Vermaelen return to the Gunners’ starting lineup after nearly nine months out with a dicky Achilles. When Sunday’s team-sheet came through it was like the second coming of the messiah; Vermaelen’s absence reguarly rolled out as one of the reasons Arsenal had struggled to gain enough points to knock Manchester United off their perch.

But 15 minutes into his first game back his side were two goals down thanks to a Darren Bent brace, with Vermaelen looking rustier than a bicycle that’s been left out in the rain. As comebacks go it was up there with Bjorn Borg, Mike Tyson and 1980s leggings.

Oops I did it again | At least Vermaelen looks better with a shaved head

The Shane McGowan award for excessive swearing
Manchester City

We all get excited about stuff. MTW gets excited when the new Merlin Premier League sticker album is released eached season. But that doesn’t mean you have to go effing and jeffing about the place when you do. MTW is looking at you, Manchester City.

After lifting their first piece of silverware in 35 years with a 1-0 FA Cup final win over Stoke City, the jubilant players turned the air blue when speaking to reporters. First it was Micah Richards dropping the f-bomb before Mario Balotelli gave it a “can I say s***?” Erm, you just did Mario, but thanks for asking.

Then City fan and all-round surly rock star Liam Gallagher lost all pretenses (what pretenses?) when asked by ESPN for his thoughts on the game, dishing out an assesment that had more four-letter words than Countdown: “I was f***** s****** it all the way through. Stoke were Stoke, top fans, s*** team.” 

Understandably, City still have to master the art of winning gracefully.

GOOD WEEK

Manchester City Has it been worth all those millions? Maybe, but this week Roberto Mancini’s side finally got their hands on some silverware just a few days after securing Champions League qualification. Money well spent. Erm, kind of. Ledley King Not just a return to the Spurs lineup after seven months out, not even a clean sheet, but the fact he managed to last longer than about three minutes without his knees shattering must be the best news ever for Our Ledley.

BAD WEEK

Avram Grant Sunday probably couldn’t have gone worse for the Israeli; his side lost 3-2 after being 2-0 up, he was relieved of his duties as manager of West Ham and those toerags down the road in Bermondsey even poke fun with a “Millwall Legend” message attached to a byplane. Chin(s) up, son. Peter Crouch Last season Crouchy was the hero at Eastlands as he prodded home the winner for Spurs against Manchester City to hand Harry Redknapp’s men Champions League qualification; this time around he netted for City to end Spurs’ hopes of another season in Europe’s top competition. Well you can’t say he isn’t a fair man. Tomasz Kuszczak Yes, his side may have avoided defeat and just, oh you know, picked up the Premier league title, but nothing says “how about me for No.1 next season boss?” like a handful of flaps, soft wristed punches and nervous kicks.

The Frank Lampard award for deflected goal of the week
Jonas Gutierrez & Ryan Taylor (Newcastle United)

It’s always annoying when you have a goal chalked off your record by the dubious goals panel because it took a deflection off a defender, but it’s even more frustrating when you have to see it awarded to a team-mate instead. Especially when that team-mate knew knothing about it.

Taylor’s free-kick against Chelsea wasn’t exactly Roberto Carlos but it hit fellow Magpie Gutierrez and flew past Cech. Never one to be magnanimous in moments of glory, the Argentine could be seen clearly telling the referee that it was his goal, and making sure it was official noted down as a ‘Gutierrez’ strike.

Poor old Taylor, no doubt he’ll remember this the next time he’s bearing down on goal and Gutierrez is free in the middle.
 
Fantasy hero
Brede Hangeland (Fulham)

Two goals from the big Norwegian earned his side a 2-0 win at Birmingham, rather impressively his seventh and eighth goals of the season. Added to a clean sheet and it’s a decent 90 minutes for the Cottagers centre-back.

(Yes, MTW knows full well he conceded five against Liverpool on Monday night, but can’t we just let big Brede enjoy his moment of glory? Just this once?)

Sponsored by Steven Fletcher who added to his brace last week with another as Wolves dug out a precious win at Sunderland to drag themselves out of the bottom three. Come on, own up, who had Fletcher down for another goal…ever? No-one? Didn’t think so.

The Fabrizio Ravanelli award for a flash of silver
Robin van Persie (Arsenal)

He may have had the same haircut since he was about 15 but Van Persie’s barnet has something of a salt and pepper look to it now as flashes of grey start to appear. It’s given the Dutchman a distinguished air; something that has been missing at Arsenal of late where frustration and petulance have been the order of the day as more trophies slide out of view.

He’s not quite at the Fabrizio Ravanelli stage yet, but MTW is counting down the days until he is and the ‘silver fox’ headlines can be taken out of the drawer, dusted down, and routinely used.

Fantasy zero
Paul Robinson (Blackburn)

Paul, Paul, Paul. What did you do? A silly lunge for Chicharito as the ball was running out handed Manchester United the chance to grab their 19th title, in a game where they were looking far from champions. No doubt there will be a bottle of champagne on its way to Ewood Park courtesy of Sir Alex for the former Tottenham shot stopper.

Ridiculous question of the weekend

– The Birmingham City striker keeps it simple after a home defeat to Fulham that keeps his side firmly involved in the Premier league relegation battle.

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