9 May 2011 08:10:00
BPL,Manchester United v Chelsea,Javier Hernandez
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By Nick Price
The party pooper award
Javier Hernandez (Manchester United)
MTW has a soft spot for Chicharito. He’s a goalscorer who does nothing but score goals, with a big smile on his face, and he scores all kinds of goals: off the back of his head, from an inch off the line, from 30 yards out – you name a piece of anatomy or a place on the pitch and he can probably score from it.
But the Mexican showed his mean streak on Sunday, and this column was distinctly displeased as he ruined what should have been a classic, nervy and tense game of football. Thirty-six seconds it took the 22-year-old to score. Thirty-six seconds. Well thanks for ruining my afternoon.
Could the selfish kid not have waited a bit longer to let Chelsea score a couple of goals first to make the game a bit interesting?
Of course, asking the Blues to find the net in a big game is like asking Fernando Torres to beat a donkey in a 100m race these days – it just isn’t going to happen.
Ill-advised argument of the weekend
David Luiz (Chelsea)
The Brazilian defender was haplessly at fault for Javier Hernandez’s goal as he dreadfully misread Park Ji-Sung’s through ball and then deflected it straight into the path of the little Mexican.
That farcical defending prompted Carlo Ancelotti to storm off the bench and hulk and moan like somebody had just spat in his Corn Flakes. But the Sideshow Bob lookalike hit back, repeatedly shouting “it wasn’t me” like Shaggy. Like the Jamaican rapper, he was caught red handed cheating on his girlfriend on the counter, on the sofa, in the shower, caught on camera defending terribly.
If there’s one thing you just don’t do in professional football, or in any job, it’s argue with your boss. No matter how wrong they may be, you just don’t do it. And you especially do not do it when you are absolutely the one in the wrong and when your boss is as genuinely scary as Ancelotti, who was so angry as he walked off towards the tunnel at half-time that MTW could picture him punching a kitten before going into the changing room and kicking each and every single one of his players in the gonads.
And what did David Luiz’s tantrum get him? A place on the bench for the second half. Well done, you giant muppet.
Worst tackle of the season award
Charlie Adam (Blackpool)
The portly midfielder has the second worst disciplinary record in the league, with his 11 yellow cards being topped only by Chieck Tiote, though that feat perhaps isn’t all that surprising when you look at his missing front teeth. Either he’s a man who indulges in one too many glasses of Irn Bru and fried Mars bars (it’s a Scottish thing, they’re genuinely mental over the border), or he’s got involved in a few scraps over the years.
But on Saturday he took the biscuit as he attempted to prove who has the best left foot in the Premier League by trying to amputate Gareth Bale’s. It was an utterly horrible foul, with the ball about five yards away from the Welshman’s ankle as it was heinously stamped to bits.
If his left foot is ‘cultured’, as the pundits always say, then it must have been reading some pretty horrific stuff in the White Hart Lane dressing room prior to kick-off as Bale was on the receiving end of some medieval violence.
The Heurelho Gomes award for being utterly ridiculous in goal
Heurelho Gomes (Tottenham)
MTW has never seen a minute of football sum up a player better than the Brazilian goalkeeper’s 60 seconds of utter madness.
First the zany keeper made a genuinely top drawer save (he does that often) as he denied Charlie Adam from the spot before he melted down in hilarious fashion (he does that often too).
A corner was swung into the box and the former PSV man haplessly punched clear before running round the box, at one point he was probably Spurs’ most advanced player on the pitch, trying to tackle everything that moved like a centre-back charged with 23 cans of pre-match Red Bull, and inevitably ended up bringing down Gary Taylor Fletcher, with Adam popping up to notch from the spot.
He may as well start playing with clown make-up on now because he is becoming an absolute joke.
Not this again | Yep, two weeks running in MTW for you
The living up to your nickname award
Thomas ‘Der Hammer’ Hitzlsperger (West Ham)
The German midfielder has long been known for his rocket powered shots over the years, and showcased it again with an absolute howitzer against Blackburn.
The former Aston Villa man didn’t just find a gap with which to shot through, he made sure that anything that got in his way would have been obliterated and blasted it in. ‘Der Hammer’, indeed.
Runner-up for this award was Heurelho Gomes, aka ‘that s*** keeper’.
| GOOD WEEK |
 Manchester UnitedLose to Arsenal but bounce back by waltzing to a Champions League final at Wembley before making mugs of Chelsea to all but wrap up a record-breaking 19th title. Mick McCarthy Leon Osman |
| BAD WEEK |
 Heurelho GomesDoes he want out of professional football or something? This is the second week in a row that the Spurs goalkeeper has made the Premier League chuckle at his dreadful antics. There’s nothing sadder than a sad clown, and there’s nothing funnier than a sad Gomes the Clown at the moment either. Arsene Wenger Carlo Ancelotti |
The Cowardly Lion award for finally finding your courage
Emile Heskey (Aston Villa)
It has always been said of the former Liverpool striker that the only thing that held him back from being a world-class and unplayable forward was his lack of self-belief. Throughout his career the England international has shown flickers of brilliance amid the timid performances, but on Saturday at Villa Park he stepped up and burst out of his shell, finally, to show just what a great, big, unstoppable bully he really can be.
Well, kind of, for he didn’t take out his frustration on Wigan’s defence by putting on a masterclass, but on referee Mike Jones after the official deemed that the bundling forward was not fouled. Heskey inexplicably chased after Jones, and came over all Manchester United as he squared up to the official, pushed him backwards and started screaming in his face.
Jones, perhaps fearful for his life or more than likely just surprised as everyone else was, saw the coward-cum-bully before him and produced only a yellow card. But the striker continued to barrack the referee and had to be dragged away, before having another pop at the officials in a dust-up down the tunnel at half-time, which resulted in him being withdrawn by Gary McAllister.
In fact, if big Emile was a character from The Wizard of Oz, he’d be the idiot Scarecrow because what he did on Saturday was the work of someone without a brain.
Fantasy hero
Steven Fletcher (Wolves)
The 24-year-old, who looks like a man twice his age, scored twice and got an assist to help guide Mick McCarthy’s men in gold to a vital three points in their derby against West Brom.
Mad props, as the kids say (MTW is as cool as an ice cube in the midday sun), to Jermaine Pennant for scoring and assisting against his old club, Javier Hernandez for effectively winning the title after 36 seconds and Sylvain Distin for scoring the equaliser against Manchester City, kicking in motion a massive win.
The funniest brothers since Del Boy and Rodney award
Gary and Phil Neville
Given that their father’s first name is Neville, it’s of little surprise that this family have a lighthearted take on life, as evidenced when the elder of the pair joined the mad old world of Twitter – where rumours spread like wildfire, where morons will send abuse behind a pseudonym and a picture of an egg, and where a half-decent gag will get sent to hundreds of people in seconds – this weekend.
Gary showed where he’s been keeping his razors all these years (arguably only Adolf Hitler will go down in history as being a more hateful moustache aficionado) with some sharp witted barbs directed at ultimate wind-up merchant Robbie Savage, putting the irksome Welshman down with an instant zinger as he replied to a terrible attempt at a ribbing with the simple but effective: “What a wonderful career you haven’t had”. You could feel the burn just by reading that.
Then Phil came into proceedings on Saturday night, asking his brother whether he had joined the social networking site “for the long haul” or for just a one-night lark, with which his retired sibling replied, with a nod to the short-lived @dgibbo28, with: “12 hours is the long haul on this for a United player”.
Dripping with humour, that family. Neville Neville must be proud.
Fantasy zero (sponsored by Heurelho Gomes)
Liam Ridgewell (Birmingham)
Gave away the penalty for Shola Ameobi to open the scoring on 36 minutes and got sent off for his troubles. Well done.
Fernando Torres also came on at Old Trafford and proved that his goal against West Ham the other week was a mere fluke (though, to be fair, he meant it – it’s just that West Ham are so terrible that a corpse could probably get a couple of goals a season against them from set-pieces) with a woeful display.
Emile Heskey and David Luiz both deserve a shout for shouting themselves into half-time substitutions at the weekend – what a pair of giant morons.
Ridiculous question of the weekend
“How’s Gareth Bale from what you can tell so far? It didn’t look too good when he went off. Was that just a precaution?”
– The BBC’s commentator to Harry Redknapp, because, of course, Tottenham would have left him on after seeing his ankle stamped on and then bend 90 degrees. He may be PFA Player of the Year, but he’s not a self-healing super hero.
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