Mock the Weekend: Arsenal are like jellyfish – they have no backbone

By Nick Price

The jellyfish award for having no backbone
Arsenal

You couldn’t have written a more pitiful and laughable story about Arsenal’s plight over the past few weeks. From genuine contenders in four competitions just over a month ago, the Gunners are now near certain to finish another season without a trophy.

Arsene Wenger will probably call it a transitional year and say it’s vital character building for an assault on the title next time, but he’s been saying that and getting away with it for years. There’s been one constant throughout the barren years: a total and utter lack of fortitude.

Not one Arsenal player stepped up and took the game against Blackburn by the scruff of the neck, it was gutless. While the kids in the team may look up to Cesc Fabregas, he’s no leader, he’s just a good midfielder who was handed the armband probably to try and distract him from plotting his escape to Barcelona.

What Wenger needs is a growler, someone who will strike fear into his players and won’t look to toss up excuses and scapegoats for limpwristed performances: in short, he needs to give the armband to mad Jens Lehmann.

Would Arsenal’s midfield have created diddly squat in the way of chances against 10-man Blackburn knowing that they’d be getting eyeballed by the crazy ‘keeper in the shower (probably still wearing his kit and gloves) after the game instead of facing the prospect of Fabregas crying about the referee, the weather, or the nasty opponents who dared to defend as an excuse for failure? Like hell would they, they’d be terrified into actually having some guts for once.

The incredibly lucky lottery winner award
Nemanja Vidic (Manchester United)

At Upton Park the Serb gave away one penalty for which he should really have picked up a booking for and then saw only a yellow after making a last man foul on Demba Ba, which many a referee would have deemed a straight red (fair play to referee Lee Mason, however, as the Senegalese speedster would not have been able to catch up with the ball and it was therefore not a clearcut goalscoring opportunity).

But what really makes the 28-year-old jammier than a sticky doughnut was the fact his team-mates spared him a thoroughly deserved hammering by Sir Alex Ferguson by netting four second-half goals. The United captain seems to be either excellent or shockingly bad, and Saturday’s performance will rank among one of his very worst seeing as he let Carlton Cole (who this season has played more like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s Carlton Banks) skin him not once but twice, which really ought to be deemed a sackable offence.

The alpine skiing award for seeing your career go downhill fast
Joe Cole (Liverpool)

Few would have expected the former Chelsea man would have been such a spectacular disappointment this season, but after nine months of wretchedness it has become the norm to see the 29-year-old bomb whenever he plays. Coming off the bench late against West Brom at the weekend, the little attacker flopped like Oprah Winfrey falling from a high diving board into a deep pool.

His very first touch after replacing Dirk Kuyt was to give the ball away, under little pressure, and let a West Brom defender boot the ball upfield for Peter Odemwingie to win a penalty. Wonderful cameo that, Joe, certainly done enough to show you’re worth another go with that contribution.

£90,000 a week he earns despite stinking out the joint week in, week out – holy moly, MTW is in the wrong game.

Familiar sight | They’ll be clapping when Joe exits for good too

The bad hair day award
Sotorios Kyrgiakos (Liverpool)

The burly Greek centre-back has been a bit of a cult hero for the Merseyside club since signing in 2009 with his pirate-like appearance, but he should be made to walk the plank for his abysmal performance at the Hawthorns where he was at fault for both goals.

First he inexplicably chopped down Peter Odemwingie when he had Martin Skrtel behind him to boot the ball away to safety and then he allowed the looping long ball to bounce about all over him when he could easily have got his head on it, letting the Nigerian striker slip him by and outfox Pepe Reina, who stupidly dangled his leg towards the forward, pretty much begging him to trip over it.

GOOD WEEK

Roy Hodgson While West Brom were hardly up against a vintage Liverpool, the veteran boss bested Kenny Dalglish’s side without really having to break a sweat and didn’t once rub his face like a total maniac. Manchester United Their comeback was the hallmark of champions but the root of their success this season lies as much in their rivals’ falling over themselves, with Arsenal and Chelsea both failing to pick up three points this weekend. Alex McLeish A win over Bolton took his Birmingham side out of the bottom three and up to 15th with a game in hand over the teams around him. Can almost start planning for European football now.

BAD WEEK

Jose Mourinho His unbeaten home league record, stretching back over nine years, has come to an end and Cristiano Ronaldo has been ruled out of the Champions League clash with Tottenham. Aww diddums.   West Ham Two-nil up at half-time, the Hammers must have thought they were going to cruise to victory and up into the safe spots but a pathetic second-half showing and some dubious officiating has left Avram Grant sulking in the bottom three for another week. Rob Green Totally ignored in England’s friendly over Ghana, the ‘keeper then pulled off some fantastic saves but still shipped four goals thanks to some unstoppable shots, dodgy officiating and shocking defending.

The most eloquent public speaker award
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)

After the striker netted from the spot to grab a hat-trick and take his team ahead of West Ham, he ran towards the travelling support giving them the full-on gurning treatment before having a TV camera shoved in his face. Wayne Rooney being Wayne Rooney, he reacted in the most sophisticated way he could: by swearing his face off at millions of viewers around the globe.

Some took offence. Well, mostly just fussy journalists who wanted to use this as an excuse to bash the England man round the head once again, and while it might not have been nice for parents watching with their kids, it was nothing that any other sportsperson or fan wouldn’t do in the heat of the moment when euphoria and adrenaline combine to turn even the most peaceful of us into explosive swearing machines.

It’s not necessarily big or clever, but when you consider this was a grown man scoring a penalty (which he’s paid handsomely to do) it can be pretty funny, and that *$%&ing was.

The no refund award, sadly
Andy Carroll, Edin Dzeko and Fernando Torres

The trio cost £113 million and in 17 collective Premier League appearances for their new clubs they’ve managed zero goals. It’s so bad it’s actually worth applauding their effort, or lack of.

The best Thierry Henry impersonation award
Jonathan Walters (Stoke)

When the Irishman received the ball on the halfway line, few (especially not the home fans who have grown accustomed to their summer signing shuffling about tirelessly but not at all excitingly) would have expected him to beat David Luiz with a bit of trickery, let alone to run down the length of the touchline to the penalty box, to then deceive Michael Essien with a deft dummy and then blast the ball into the roof of the net.

It was the sort of goal that Arsenal legend Thierry Henry used to score for fun, and to see it replicated through the vessel of the stocky, stodgy, and totally untricky forward made it all the more remarkable.

An inspiration for plucky triers everywhere.

The Hank Scorpio award for most eccentric owner
Mohamed Al-Fayed (Fulham)

The Cottagers chairman has long been known as something of an oddity, as anyone who has visited his Harrods store and seen some of the ridiculous decor will attest, but his latest act of exhibitionism really is ludicrous.

Al-Fayed has erected a statue of late pop singer Michael Jackson in a trademark pose outside Craven Cottage because he was apparently a friend of the, ahem, ‘quirky’ star. It looks utterly stupid, like one of those shampoo bottles in the shapes of Star Wars characters, only bigger and even cheaper looking. And brilliantly, the Egyptian billionaire has told Fulham fans who might not like there being such a monstrosity outside their ground that they can “go to hell” if they don’t like it.

What’s he been smoking to think that a monument to a weirdo who had nothing to do with the club belongs outside its stadium?

Quote of the weekend

Do not adjust your monitor | This tacky thing actually is outside a football stadium

The finally found the keys to success award
Roberto Mancini (Manchester City)

For reasons that only the Italian could possibly explain, his side have been utterly dreadful to watch for the most part this season despite having half a billion pounds worth of talent to call upon. On Sunday against Sunderland, however, he finally realised that to win things you have to actually create chances and batter sides at home rather than try and be clever and eek out wins.

Had he had the balls to set his team up like that from the start of the season then City would almost certainly be the Manchester side cruising to the title right now.

Fantasy football hero
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)

Three goals, two of them absolute beauties and one of them followed by a cracking bout of football Tourette’s, set United on their way to a vital victory which sees them go eight clear of their nearest rivals.

A big big-up also to Bobby Zamora, who made his first start since breaking his leg at the beginning of the season and capped it by netting two goals.

Fantasy football zero
Nemanja Vidic (Manchester United)

For giving away one penalty and being highly fortunate not to be sent off after making a last-man foul and then proceeding to kick his way through much of the rest of the game.

Lee Cattermole is also worth a mention here too. The midfielder didn’t pick up his customary caution but did gift wrap a tap-in for Yaya Toure by rolling the ball across the box to the Ivorian. Generous stuff.

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