What we learned this week… The seven words England boss Fabio Capello needs to learn

By Nick Price

Fabio Capello just can’t win when he’s got the hacks on his back

Prior to England’s friendly draw with Ghana, the Italian told reporters that he only needs 100 words to tell his players what to do on the pitch – which if super-realistic Football Manager is anything to go by (WWLTW has just won its third Champions League, with Neymar bagging 60 goals from 42 games, as Derby) is about 90 words more than what you actually need.

Hardly a contentious comment for the Italian to raise, one suspects, especially given that he has a team of fluent English coaches who can impart more nuanced advice to his players – like telling Andy Carroll to stop boozing and throwing shapes down at his local.

But that didn’t stop the hacks from sharpening their knives and using this as another ‘disgraceful’ example of why the five-times Serie A champion, two-time La Liga winner and Champions League medalist shouldn’t be managing the Three Lions.

All in all then, it was a pretty shameful week from even the most transparently agenda-driven journalists who quite clearly have it in for Capello, despite him having one of the best records in England’s history.

If you’re reading this Fabio, here’s a few choice words that might be useful for you to use during your next press-conference: Shut. Up. You. Boring. Xenophobic. Knuckle-dragging. Troglodytes.

And flip the bird at them as well.

Besides, isn’t there a massive hypocrisy at work when these very same journalists who mock Capello for his lack of English skills are fervently backing Harry Redknapp – who says “you know” at the start and end of every sentence, and whose son appears to literally not know what “literally” means nor be able to buy appropriately sized trousers – to be his successor?

England friendlies can be quite good (thanks Ghana)

It was easy to forget that England were actually playing a match on Tuesday evening. And what a game it turned out to be, even if it was a ‘B’ team that was selected.

Credit must of course go to Ghana, who showed that playing at Wembley still retains a sort of magical hold over players around the world, and their fans, who made it a right old raucous atmosphere and drowned out the irritatingly repetitive trumpet-blowing England band.

But what really made the game great was the football on offer. Ashley Young, who starred against Wales, zipped about all over the place and looked the part in an international game; Jack Wilshere played like a young Paul Scholes; Leighton Baines did a terrific impression of Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood; Andy Carroll got off the mark; and Asamoah Gyan turned  Joleon Lescott into a corkscrew before slotting home a brilliant late equaliser.

Who really cares if the ‘big names’ don’t play when the football is that entertaining?

You’re welcome back any time guys | Ghana made friendly worthwhile

What we will learn this weekend…

Roy Hodgson will get his revenge on Liverpool by doing what he does best – getting a gritty, long-ball riddled goalless draw. Manchester United will hand Arsenal the chance to close the gap to the top by drawing at West Ham… … and Arsenal will blow the opportunity, again, by failing to batter Blackburn. WWLTW will have a Jens Lehmann-induced hangover on Sunday morning.

When Gareth Barry is headline news you know it’s been a slow week

Poor Fabio came in for even more criticism this week for his apparent bungling of the armband. While not speaking to Rio Ferdinand about the issue is fair game for criticism, did he really deserve to come under fire for giving Gareth Barry the captaincy for the friendly against Ghana?

It may have been a slow news week, but surely making the most senior available player stand-in captain is hardly worth spitting feathers about? Surely nobody even really cares who wears the armband for an England friendly?

He might be the most boring man to ever lead the Three Lions out at Wembley but the hoopla in the papers and on the wireless over whether or not he merits being captain for a single evening was even more dreary.

Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t know when to shut up

Maybe it was because he was over in the United States that he thought he was immune from ridicule, but his global reach ensures that every comment made is read by idiots the world over, and WWLTW is just about the biggest idiot on the internet.

This week the Manchester United boss once again claimed it was a “fair comment” when he heinously suggested that referee Martin Atkinson was not impartial.

Officials deserve stick as much as players do for making terrible mistakes and any criticism made regarding a clear error is valid, but to possibly think it’s “fair” to say that a paid official is overtly biased against your team is, to use one of Sir Alex’s own famous turns of phrase, beyond the pale.

Mario Balotelli is the maddest player in Premier League history

The Italian prodigy was, we were told last summer when he completed his move to Manchester City, a highly gifted footballer and a very volatile young man. So far we’ve mostly just seen the latter from the 20-year-old, and it’s difficult to work out whether we should embrace his ridiculous “up yours” ways or chastise him for it, though his antics this week certainly can’t be defended.

After barely nine months in England he has done many things that have made us all do the chuckle shuffle. He’s driven into a women’s prison because the gates were open and he wanted a nose around; he’s worn a stupid chicken hat; he’s had an allergic reaction to the turf on a European trip; he has claimed to have never have heard of Nemanja Vidic and Jack Wilshere; he reckons City can still win the title this season (comedy genius that one); fought with a bib; and brilliantly belted out a cry of “Rooney! Rooney!” at a lady of the night with whom the Manchester United striker had apparently done the dirty with.

All good so far then – japes ahoy.

But on the flip side, he’s been sent off twice (once for a pointless rake on an opponent’s chest), and last week was caught throwing darts out of his window at youth players apparently because he was bored and had nothing better to do. The offence has reportedly landed him a £100,000 fine – which will mean he won’t be able to buy any hot cars, fast women or stupid hats for a week or so.

Being a bit daft and having it plastered all over the press is understandable for a multimillionaire young man with a reputation, but there’s really no excuses for chucking potentially lethal objects at children.

The guy had a troubled upbringing and was thrust into the limelight at a young age as much for his quality with a football as for the anomaly that he was a black Italian playing for one of the world’s biggest clubs, and had to suffer vile abuse from bigots just about intelligent enough to climb out from underneath their rocks and crawl to the ground, but that does not mean that anyone should sympathise with him for acting the idiot on this occasion.

This charming man | The jokes are wearing thin now, Super Mario

The Jens Lehmann drinking game

If there’s anyone in the Premier League that can come close to Super Mario’s stupidity then it’s Arsenal’s 41-year-old emergency goalkeeper, but the German is more endearing than infuriating.

It’s not just his obvious bitterness toward Manuel Almunia that’s funny, but his on-pitch Mad Jens persona makes him brilliant to watch. And if he starts against Blackburn, which may yet happen given his Spanish rival’s ridiculous cock-up in his last outing at West Brom, you can have even more fun watching him by playing WWLTW’s Mad Jens Drinking Game.

(WWLTW encourages all readers to drink responsibly, and only drink alcohol if over the legal age limit. In fact, might be best to try this with water first, however old you are…)

All you need is access to some booze, a television with an Arsenal game on, and a few plastic cups filled with whatever your poison is. Every time the camera cuts to Lehmann growling you have to take a sip out of a cup, any time he concedes a soft goal but then berates his defenders (or the referee) it’s a full cup. If he runs out of his box to shout at any match official it’s a glug of the strongest stuff on the table. If he feigns injury you have to drink for as long as he is on the floor receiving ‘treatment’. A sending off is two cups and if he takes a leak during the game, which he has been known to do, contestants have to down everything remaining.

You’ll be blotto in about 15 minutes. If Arsene Wenger doesn’t play him then just boo until you’re hoarse and pray that Almunia pulls a hamstring.

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