Mock the Weekend: Jack Wilshere has more technical skills than a broadband engineer

By Nick Price

Welcome to Mock the Weekend, the column where bad jokes are made about good players and even worse jokes are made about bad players…

The late bloomer award
Scott Parker (England)

How many caps would he have had he not bodged his career by leaving first team football at Charlton for the splendours of the Stamford Bridge bench back in 2004 when he was 23, and had he decided not to go to the joke club of the north east in pursuit of first team football the following summer?

Parker, now 30, has made just five England appearances. Remarkable, really, for a man who has been the best English midfielder this season and a pretty fine one last year too.

MTW notes that Parker passes a striking resemblance to Back to the Future hero Marty McFly and would recommend that the West Ham man get to work on his DeLorean to fly back through time and stop his old self from making two terrible transfers.

The not turning up to your own party award
Wales

So, after all the hoopla of there being a battle of Britain, the Welsh team fail to hold up their end of the bargain and it turns into an exhibition game after 20 minutes.

Then again, they are coached by Gary Speed: a nice bloke, a good footballer, but, as Sheffield United fans will tell you, a rubbish manager.

The genius award for playing way ahead of your years
Jack Wilshere (England)

The Arsenal midfielder is a bit like a footballing experiment. He’s got the face of a boy, the body of a sturdy gymnast and seemingly, despite being just 19, the brain of a 36-year-old Paul Scholes.

The youngster has more technical skills than a broadband engineer and displayed against Wales both his passing range and his dribbling skills. The only problem with the little trickster is that by the time he hits his mid-20s he’ll likely be surrounded by players far less assured and far more gung ho than he is. The product of Arsene Wenger’s masterplan of football is an anomaly when he, like Scholes before him, should be the blueprint for all young English midfielders to follow.

With him, Scott Parker and Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard might just be sweating on his future in the Three Lions’ midfield.

Future of English football | Every reason to be glum then

GOOD WEEK

John Terry Armband back round his bicep and a comfortable victory on what should have been harsh foreign soil. Not only that, he’s also been released for the friendly against Ghana too. Aiden McGeady An absolute thumper for his first international goal which sent Ireland on their way to a win, taking them top of the group. Neymar He’s got the most ridiculous haircut in world football (ahead of joint-second Marouane Fellaini and David Luiz) but boy can he play. Admittedly he was playing against Scotland, but still, he looked a bit tasty.

BAD WEEK

Mick McCarthy He must have been spitting feathers when he saw Kevin Doyle in a heap. His absence for the rest of the season is a mini-disaster for  Wolves.   Wales fans When the teams in the group were read out, the Welsh footballing public rejoiced at the prospect of a grudge game against England but were badly let down by their players, who ruined the contest by being dreadful in the first 15 minutes. Gary Speed There’s a reason why Sheffield United fans weren’t bothered that he left, and it may become painfully and embarrassingly clear in the next few months for Wales.

The most ridiculous VT of the year award
Sky Sports

Why on earth do TV stations do these ridiculously over-the-top clips before games? From montages of shouting players set to thumping trance music to some opera providing the backing to shots of managers looking serious, it’s all a bit stupid.

But Sky topped that on Saturday with a ridiculous video of England players going into the Dragons Den, where several Wales players were sat. Except, of course, they clearly weren’t the actual players and quite obviously the faces of Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney, and Ashley Cole were superimposed onto the bodies of actors. Likewise was Craig Bellamy, who despite being five-foot-nothing looked like a giant.

What will they do next for the Ghana game? Get John Terry to sing and dance along to some Lady Gaga? In fact, that sounds brilliant. Get MTW the head of television!

Most surprisingly likeable award
Gary Neville

Apart from Manchester United fans, the retired right-back is almost universally considered a hate figure with his snivelling ways, his loathsome support for an England mutiny in the wake of Rio Ferdinand’s ban for missing a doping test, and of course, for his stupid facial hair and gurns.

But as a pundit there’s little (apart from his large nose that protrudes out of any high-definition broadcast, making him look like one of those Corinthian figurines) not to like. He spoke sense about tactics, the squad, the manager and gave plenty of insight into the modern day professional footballer’s mindset without reverting to tired old cliches.

It almost feels dirty to write this, but Gary, you’re alright by MTW.

The Jekyll and Hyde award
Craig Bellamy (Wales)

Few people in the game, Gary Neville aside, are as hated or lampooned as the Welsh striker.

But then you hear him speak and can’t fail to admire him. Before the game against England, an interview with the 31-year-old was broadcast and he’s a shining light of honesty and respectability, never afraid to air his thoughts. And then there’s his exceptional acts of charity in Sierra Leone, which makes him stand out from many of his peers.

Yet when he steps onto the pitch though his tantrums, outbursts and wind-ups make him an entirely disagreeable person. And that’s not to mention his various off-the-pitch indiscretions.

The vindicated award for leaving your club
Darren Bent (England)

Fabio Capello never went to see him at Sunderland and apparently told the forward that switching clubs would help his England prospects – and the Aston Villa man has seized the chance. Two starts and two goals, plus, he doesn’t have to look at Steve Bruce’s big fat head in training every day: MTW would be richer if it won the former Manchester United man’s head filled with pound coins than it would be if it pulled out six numbers on the lottery.

The lazy punditry award
Commentators all over the continent

“There’s no easy games in international football” is a line often trotted out when teams – well, usually just England – fail to batter the small countries, but it’s absolute nonsense. This weekend we saw Germany thump Kazakhstan at home and the Netherlands batter Hungary away, proving that there’s still plenty of easy games if you’ve got the style.

Fantasy football hero
Ashley Young (England)

Scorer or creator of England’s last three goals. Another timely reminder why some of the Premier League’s top clubs (and Liverpool) should be interested this summer.

Big mention to David Villa, whose two goals against the Czech Republic (one an absolute corker) took him clear of Raul as Spain’s top scorer with a goals to games ratio of 0.639, which is flipping good.

Fantasy football zero
James Collins (Wales)

For ruining the game by bringing down his club team-mate just seven minutes in.

Thanks for that.

Quote of the weekend