Mock the Weekend: Jens Lehmann doesn’t even need to do anything to become Arsenal’s No.1 again

By Nick Price

The column that went square-eyed from watching too much football this weekend, but wouldn’t have it any other way…

The Chuckle Brothers award for most ridiculous failure to do something simple
Manuel Almunia and Sebastien Squillaci (Arsenal)

The cock-up between this pair was more comical than Paul and Barry Chuckle carrying a pane of glass up a spiral staircase.

A hopeful punt from Youssuf Mulumbu should have first been cleared away by the French centre-back, but his hesitance was understandable given Manuel Almunia’s ridiculous and totally unnecessary run out from the back.

But rather than booting the ball away, the Spanish ‘keeper stupidly decided to rush into his team-mate, allowing Peter Odemwingie to casually stroll past and knock it in from outside the area.

Jens Lehmann must have been licking his lips when he saw that.

The perpetual motion award for defying the laws of physics
Luis Suarez (Liverpool)

Not content with dribbling his way through half a dozen markers in only a marginally bigger amount of space than a telephone box in his last outing, the Uruguayan striker somehow managed to defy science by scoring practically from the byline against Sunderland.

Yep it was pretty poor goalkeeping by Simon Mignolet, but he could not have been expecting that Suarez would have blasted one in that hard from such a seemingly impossibly acute angle.

At this rate he’ll be travelling through time and using black holes to nip about the pitch when Liverpool take on West Brom in a fortnight.

The Avon Barksdale award for making a mockery of your sentence
Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)

Just like the drug baron in The Wire who continued to run his operation while incarcerated, the United boss, serving the first of his five-game touchline ban, was fully in charge of his team’s win over Bolton. 

Throughout the highlights, the director cut to the Old Trafford boss barking orders down the phone – making a mockery of his ban if he can simply relay orders to his coaching staff while getting an even better view of the action from high up in the stands.

That is, of course, presuming that he was sending instructions to the bench and not just ordering pizzas or ringing up his mates for the lolz.

It’s miles better up here! | Ferguson enjoyed his pre-match pie and texting his pals

GOOD WEEK

Sir Alex Ferguson That touchline ban didn’t affect him one bit and Arsenal gifted them a bigger gap at the top by throwing it away at the Hawthorns. Wolves For not only winning away to relatively local rivals, but also winning away with a bit of style. From bottom of the league to nearly out of the bottom three in one game. Jens Lehmann Not only does he get a lucrative and well received return to Arsenal at the ripe old age of 41, he also sees his only competitor for the No.1 spot cock-up spectacularly. MTW welcomes these developments.

BAD WEEK

Manuel Almunia When Mad Jens is breathing down your neck (literally, MTW guesses, given how weird he is), you can’t let Wobbly Manuel come out of the closet at the first opportunity.   Steve Bruce Sunderland haven’t won since January 22 and could only muster a single shot on target at home against Liverpool. There’s only so many excuses you can use to try and wriggle out of the tough questions. Gerard Houllier During the defeat to Wolves, fans unfurled a banner imploring the Frenchman to leave the club. With Villa sitting just a point above the drop zone, them boys had a fair point.

The stupidly tempting fate award
Jermain Defoe (Tottenham)

The impish striker missed a host of chances when he was just one goal shy of reaching a ton for Spurs. Apparently he was sporting a t-shirt underneath his jersey that would have celebrated the feat.

Maybe he should have worn a t-shirt with ‘Will miss lots of chances’ scribbled on it and he’d have put a few away?

The Tony Blair award for most ridiculous hypocrisy
Asamoah Gyan (Sunderland)

After bemoaning Luis Suarez for cheating in the World Cup quarter-final, the Ghanaian then spent most of the game – billed by some as a grudge match seeing as it put Gyan up against the Liverpool forward for the first time since that infamous handball in South Africa – throwing himself to the floor pretending to have been fouled whenever a defender came within a sniff of him.

Fantasy football hero
Charlie Adam (Blackpool)

For scoring twice, one of them an absolute rocket of a free-kick, and putting himself in that all-important summer shop window once again.

Tips of the hat to Dimitar Berbatov for sealing three points for United and reminding Sir Alex Ferguson that he’s still about, Jermaine Pennant for getting an assist and then his first goal for Stoke and Rob Green for making some top stops against Tottenham to earn West Ham a massive point towards safety.

Fantasy football zero
Sol Campbell (Newcastle)

Sorry Sol, but that was the worst defensive performance of the season.

Dishonourable mentions must go to Lee Cattermole for coming on as a substitute for Sunderland and doing the only thing he’s good at by picking up a booking and Jussi Jaaskelainen for possibly ruining the title race for us neutrals by flapping at a late shot and gifting Manchester United a win.

The Guns N’ Roses award for worst comeback
Sol Campbell (Newcastle)

How the mighty have fallen.

Campbell was one of the finest defenders in the league at the turn of the millennium, but now in his 37th year he looks every inch a man well past his Premier League sell-by date.

After being caught ball watching and beaten in the air by Jonathan Walters for the first goal, the former Arsenal man spent the rest of the half waving his hands about appealing for the linesmen to give an offside whenever Stoke took the ball past him. He then made things even worse by turning a cross going straight to his ‘keeper into the path of Jermaine Pennant for a tap-in before being subbed off to a mocking standing ovation from the home fans.

If MTW was Campbell, it’d have gone straight home, closed the curtains and cried into a pillow. Or taken a bath in £50 notes and league winners medals (something Sol can but this column will never be able to) as the ultimate pick-me-up.

Quote of the weekend

“I didn’t think Sol Campbell played poorly. In my opinion he gave a good account of himself.”

– Alan Pardew defends the literally indefensible.

A serious appeal
Fernando Torres (Chelsea)

The birthday boy was substituted after another limp display for his new club, his seventh appearance without a goal. It’s not even funny any more, just sad, like a child crying at its own party.

MTW is usually a place for stupidity and cheap gags at the expense of millionaire footballers and managers, but not this week (well, this last section at least).

If you have any goals that you can give to this famished striker, please send them in an envelope addressed to: Mr Fernando Torres, Chelsea No.9, Chelsea Football Club, London.

Even if it’s a goal that ricocheted in off four defenders, or a cross that hit you in the face and went in, heck, even if it came off your bum or even ruder bits, send them, please. Every little helps for poor Fernando during these troubling times.

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