“I don’t know why, but the smell of baby spit-up and poopy diapers just doesn’t turn my husband on,” jokes Pamela H., 29, of San Francisco. “After our twins were born, we didn’t have sex for six months. We were too exhausted.”
Even when they were in the mood, lovemaking was derailed by one of their twins wailing.
“My girlfriends [would] say they’d also gone months at a time without sex. We decided if you make it past eleven months with no sex whatsoever, you can declare yourself a born-again virgin!”
While sleepless nights are the norm for many new parents, it’s not always exhaustion that’s to blame for post-child celibacy. Many women are self-conscious about their post-baby bodies.
“I remember when we used to tear each other’s clothes off,” recalls new mom Wendy R. of Ridgewood, N.J. “But with pregnancy weight still hanging on, I don’t feel very sexy or attractive. And my boobs are so huge and swollen, the last thing I want is for my husband to touch me!”
Sometimes, one partner harbors resentment toward the other and withholds sex as punishment.
One Chicago mom says she hated that her husband went to work every day and left her home to handle their newborn.
“Even when he was home, much of the responsibility fell on me. I was furious and jealous,” she says. So she used the “Honey, I have a headache” excuse more than a few times to “get even.”
All this leads to the big question: Is anyone with kids getting any?
About 15%-20% of all marriages are “sexless,” according to a recent Newsweek study, meaning the couples have sex no more than 10 times a year. You read that correctly – that’s less than once a month! And those statistics continue to climb.
Mainly because most women are overworked, overcommitted and overextended financially. And stress is hardly an aphrodisiac.
So what can you do if you’ve lost the lust and want it back?
Make your marriage – and your sex life – a priority, not an afterthought, advises Rachel Blakeman, a Manhattan psychotherapist and managing editor of The Candidate, a psychoanalytical journal.
“Both partners need to make a commitment to bring the passion back into the relationship,” Blakeman says. “Couples should begin by communicating their sexual needs and openly discussing how they can be fulfilled.”
Part of that discussion must include a sex plan for where, when and how often. Then stick to it – even if you’re tired, unenthused or covered in baby food. Remember the movie 9½ Weeks? A little applesauce behind the ears can be sexy… go with it!
“If we want it, we have to seize the moment,” says Christina H. of New York City. “The second our daughter goes down for a nap, we jump on each other – in the kitchen, the living room, whatever. It’s a challenge – but exciting too.”
It isn’t impossible to get your mojo back, Blakeman says – even if it seems like ages since you last made love.
“You and your husband were a team before baby came along. And you can reclaim that intimacy with a little effort.”
Rev Up the Romance
Blakeman suggests taking these 7 simple steps to jump-start your sex life now.
1. Schedule “we” time. Get a Saturday-night sitter, and plan a regular date night. Or just watch a baseball game or movie at home together while drinking beer. It’s about quality – not quantity – and finding the time to be a couple without your little munchkins in the middle.
2. Make the first move. If your spouse isn’t in the mood, take the initiative. Don’t take it personally if he doesn’t take the bait. Just like you, he may simply be too exhausted or stressed. As the saying goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again… tomorrow.
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