Being a parent implies substantial changes for a couple. From the weeks prior to the newborn’s arrival, to the years after that, a long list of obligations, plans and decisions emerges to satisfy the child (ren).
As a result, most couples realise that they never have enough time to spend alone together. Consequently, their level of intimacy decreases.
“For couples with children, sexual activity tends to diminish compared to that of couples without children, or the period before the arrival of children,” observes Ken Munyua, a counseling psychologist based in Nairobi.
“The decrease in sexual intimacy may be precipitated by the mother’s overwhelming devotion to her child (ren).”
In most cases, the father is left feeling under-appreciated, or replaced with the children. “Many men silently complain of being ‘replaced’ by their children,” notes Mercy Njoki, a mother and wife.
“They feel that the time their wives previously allocated them has been totally given to the kids.”
And while this may be so, women generally have the tendency to wholly focus on their children, sometimes leaving no time for spouses as Joseph Kariuki, a father of one, attests.
“I was excited when our daughter came. But gradually, I began to feel as though my wife was slowly replacing me with her!”
Sex is a challenge
Munyua notes that if things are not roped in, “such feelings go to the extreme as ‘jilted’ fathers recoil into cocoons of solitude.”
At worst they may opt to seek their ‘denied’ sexual pleasures outside their homes. This sets the stage for infidelity and at worst, marital break down.
On the other hand, sexual disinterest or drought among parents may be caused by hormonal and emotional imbalances in the woman’s body after giving birth.
“If they are unsettled or imbalanced, then she may very well experience a low sex drive.
“Fears stemming from unexplored roles as a parent and the sheer exhaustion from being a new parent are also key contributors to the lack of intimacy and sex among women,” observes Munyua.
The financial, physical and emotional strain of raising young children can take a huge toll on both spouses, leaving little time for intimacy and the closeness you shared before your baby came along.
Evidently, getting sex back in a relationship after the arrival of kids is a challenge. In most cases, it will take women about a year to regulate their bodies after giving birth.
However, all is not lost if the two of you have lost touch with intimacy. You can still reclaim the intimate hot spots you used to occupy before your children arrived.
And Valentine’s Day offers a perfect opportunity to do so. “Take that opportunity to rekindle your intimate feelings for your wife or hubby. For once in a long time, you can get creatively romantic.”
Granted, you are not used to being romantic, as raising kids and working has replaced romance.
However, “this will open new avenues to rediscover your lost intimacy.” Yet, as he cautions, Valentine’s Day can only be the starting point of your intimacy reclamation process.
According to him, your focus should be for the long run. “While it may be great to offer your hubby or wife a bunch of flowers or V candle lit dinner, it would be well if you make your lovely gesture a frequent practice.”
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