Let’s be honest: the “we can still be friends” line after a breakup is as suspicious as it is optimistic.
Some people genuinely mean it; they want peace, closure, and the occasional catch-up coffee. Others? They might just be keeping one foot in the door.
But according to science, staying friends with your ex might reveal more about your personality than your emotional maturity, and not necessarily in a good way.
A study published in Personality and Individual Differences by psychologists from Oakland University explored why some people insist on keeping exes close.
The researchers examined 861 participants, focusing on what psychologists call the “dark triad” of personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Basically, the trifecta of charming-but-concerning behaviour.
Their findings? People who maintained close ties with their exes were more likely to score higher on traits linked to psychopathy, such as manipulation, lack of empathy, and self-serving tendencies. Translation: for some, “let’s stay friends” isn’t about lingering love; it’s about keeping access.
The psychology behind the “friendly ex”
According to Dr Perpetua Neo, a clinical psychologist and expert in dark personality traits, psychopaths and narcissists often view relationships through a transactional lens.
“The thing about a psychopath,” Neo told Business Insider, “is they treat you or anybody as meat.” Harsh, but her point stands: their “friendship” might serve an agenda of emotional control, convenience, or access to resources like sex, money, or information.
And because people with psychopathic traits tend to be charming, confident, and strategic, they’re often great at convincing you that staying friends is the mature thing to do. They might even sprinkle in nostalgia (“remember that trip to Durban?”) to keep you hooked.
Meanwhile, empathic partners, the ones who forgive easily or believe in giving second chances, are often the perfect targets. Psychopaths and narcissists thrive on empathy because it makes it easier to manipulate without losing their grip.
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The “nice ex” trap
Here’s where things get tricky: not everyone who wants to stay friends with their ex is a closet manipulator. Relationships are complex, and some genuinely do end on healthy, friendly terms. But psychologists warn that it’s important to examine your why.
Are you staying friends because you truly value the person? Or because you’re holding onto what was or what could still be?
If it’s comfort, habit, or fear of fully letting go, you may be keeping yourself emotionally tethered to something that’s already run its course.
“When you break up with someone, the brain goes through withdrawal similar to addiction,” says biological anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher in her research on love and attachment. “Staying close to an ex can prolong that emotional recovery.”
What it says about modern love
Pop culture often romanticises staying friends with exes, think Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ or Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s full-circle reunion.
But for the rest of us, the emotional logistics of staying friends post-breakup can get messy. Social media only blurs the line further, making it easy to “keep tabs” under the guise of friendship.
Still, this isn’t a witch hunt against all exes. Some friendships do evolve from past relationships, especially when mutual respect and clear boundaries exist.
The difference lies in intention. If there’s any manipulation, power play, or emotional confusion involved, it’s not friendship, it’s strategy.
Closing the door (and meaning it)
So, if your ex slides into your DMs “just to check in,” maybe pause before replying with a heart emoji. Science says it’s worth asking yourself what that connection is really doing for you or to you.
Are you finding closure, or keeping the wound open? Are you protecting your peace, or feeding their ego?
At the end of the day, staying friends with an ex isn’t inherently toxic, but it can be, depending on motives. If the friendship feels one-sided, draining, or suspiciously convenient for them, it’s okay to walk away.
Sometimes the healthiest love story is the one that ends completely.
So, my lovelies, close that door. Lock it if you must. And don’t forget: “I wish you the best” sounds even better when you actually mean goodbye.
