Scroll through your Instagram, TikTok, or Twitter feed for just a few minutes, and you’ll stumble over story times with words like trauma, boundaries, gaslighting, and the ever-trending term – narcissist.
In South Africa, just like everywhere else, these terms are now part of our everyday conversations from campus WhatsApp groups to personal relationships.
But behind the hashtags and headlines lies a deeper and more urgent question: Can a narcissist change?That question has never felt more relevant than now, as the world watches high-profile figures like Sean “Diddy” Combs face a public reckoning for alleged abuse and manipulation.
The stories are shocking, but for many South Africans, they’re also painfully familiar. Whether it’s a toxic boss, a controlling partner, or a charismatic friend who leaves emotional chaos behind, narcissism is no longer just a clinical label, it’s a lived experience.
Understanding narcissism: beyond the stereotypes
It’s easy to throw the term “narcissist” around, but what does it really mean? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) includes traits like grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, lack of empathy, and manipulative behaviour.
Kerry Rudman, a Neurofeedback Specialist and founder of Brain Harmonics in South Africa, sees the impact of these traits firsthand. According to her, these behaviours, including gaslighting, exploitation, and emotional detachment, leave a long trail of trauma for all involved.
Take the recent court testimony of Cassie Ventura, one of Combs’ ex-girlfriends. She described enduring years of emotional abuse, and her path to recovery led her to neurofeedback therapy, a cutting-edge brain training technique.
What is Neurotherapy?
Neurotherapy is a type of brain training. It helps your brain learn how to work more effectively, just like exercise helps your body become stronger. Neurotherapy shows your brain what it’s doing in real-time and teaches it how to stay calm, focussed, and balanced. It’s mainly used to help with things like: anxiety, depression, ADHD, stress, trauma, PTSD or trouble sleeping.
It works by placing sensors on your head to read your brainwaves. You watch a screen, maybe a movie or video game, while the machine watches your brainwaves. The screen changes based on your brain activity. When your brain is calm or focussed, the video plays clearly. When your brain is overactive or stressed, the video dims or pauses. Your brain slowly learns what patterns feel better and starts to self-correct.
The goal of neurotherapy is to help your brain stay calm under stress, heal from trauma or mental strain, improve focus and clarity and feel more emotionally balanced.
“It’s incredibly validating for survivors to hear someone speak about real recovery,” says Rudman. Cassie’s experience mirrors what we see with South Africans who come in after toxic, narcissistic relationships. There’s hope, but the journey is real.”
Common signs of narcissistic behaviour
In everyday settings, narcissistic traits can show up at work (like taking credit for someone else’s idea), in friendships (being unreliable unless it benefits them), or in family dynamics (expecting special treatment).They often create tension, especially in group settings, because they struggle with collaboration or compromise. This can lead to toxic environments where others feel drained or emotionally controlled.
What about romantic relationships?
In love, narcissistic behaviours can be even more intense. Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissism, explains that narcissists often create “trauma bonds” with their partners – a cycle of love bombing, devaluation, and emotional manipulation.
Here’s how that might look:
In the beginning: They may overwhelm you with affection, compliments, and gifts, also known as “love bombing”.
Later on: They begin to criticise you, withdraw affection, or control your actions.
Eventually: They might make you feel confused, guilty, or emotionally unstable while still demanding loyalty and admiration. This pattern can leave partners feeling anxious, doubting themselves, or stuck in a toxic dynamic.
Can narcissists change?
Here’s where things get complicated. While traditional talk therapy often struggles to reach people with entrenched narcissistic traits (because real change demands insight, empathy, and accountability), neurofeedback offers a different angle. But let’s be clear, neurofeedback is not a magic wand, explains Rudman.
She adds, “Someone with deeply ingrained narcissism has to want to change. Without willingness, no tool will work. But for those whose narcissism is rooted in trauma, we’ve seen real shifts in emotional awareness and behaviour.”
For survivors, is healing possible?
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who made you question your worth, gaslit your reality, or left you emotionally exhausted, you’re not imagining things. And you’re not broken.
“Narcissistic abuse leaves an imprint. The effects of narcissistic abuse aren’t just emotional, they’re neurological.
“Victims often walk away questioning their reality, battling low self-esteem, anxiety, brain fog, and emotional exhaustion,” says Rudman.
The climactic question remains: why should we care?
South Africa has among the highest rates of gender-based violence and emotional abuse in the world, according to the South African Medical Research Council. The discussions buzzing from the US and online resonate profoundly here, as many seek clarity and healing in the wake of narcissistic relationships.
So, can narcissists truly change?
While there may be multiple layers to the answer, it ultimately boils down to confronting their behaviour and providing them with adequate support. For survivors, healing is undeniably attainable, and for all, comprehending the neurological impacts of trauma can be transformative.
