Grief is never straightforward. It’s messy, painful and deeply personal. Whether you’ve lost a loved one, gone through a breakup, suffered a miscarriage or even lost your job or health, the grief that follows can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you.
Our families and community are everything, grief often unfolds in the public eye during funerals, memorials and in conversations with neighbours. Yet even in our warm, well-meaning communities, people often say the wrong thing, unintentionally making the pain worse.
“At least she lived a long life.” Let’s pause right there. This, and other similar phrases, are often said to comfort. But more often than not, they miss the mark.
As grief expert, David Kessler, co-author of “On Grief and Grieving” with the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, explains: “Any sentence that begins with: ‘At least…’ is minimising someone’s pain.”
Understanding grief
We often associate grief with the death of a loved one and rightfully so, because death brings the sharpest kind of pain.
But grief also shows up in less obvious ways: divorce, estranged family, infertility, illness, a friend moving away, losing a beloved pet or being retrenched.
These are all emotional gut punches that can knock the wind out of us. Grief is not just about who we lost, it’s about what that person or thing meant to us.
Even if you don’t understand someone’s grief, you can respect it.
In a recent roundtable discussion posted on Instagram with other grief counsellors, Kessler shared some of the most hurtful things people commonly say to those who are grieving – things meant to comfort but often do the opposite.
10 Worst things to say to someone who’s grieving
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1. “At least she lived a long life.” This might sound comforting, but it completely minimises the loss. Whether someone was six or 96, they mattered.
2. “At least you can get remarried.” As if people are replaceable.
3. “At least you can have another baby.” Children aren’t interchangeable, and this statement often deepens the wound.
4. “He’s in a better place.” That may align with some beliefs, but many grievers feel the best place for their loved ones is with them.
5. “She brought this on herself.” Blaming the deceased (or the person grieving) helps no one and adds guilt to already unbearable pain.
6. “There’s a reason for everything.” This can feel hollow and invalidating, especially in the early stages of grief.
7. “Aren’t you over him yet?” Grief has no timeline. There’s no expiry date on love.
8. “You’re young, you’ll move on.” Age doesn’t make loss any less painful.
9. “God wanted her more.” Spiritual and religious beliefs are deeply personal. This can feel like a cruel explanation for something senseless.
10. “I know how you feel.” Unless you’ve experienced exactly the same situation (and even then), you don’t. Each person’s grief is different. None of these statements truly help.
In fact, many of them are loaded with judgement, dismissal or false hope. They can make someone feel isolated as if grief has an expiry date or that it should be tidy.
So, what can you say instead?
According to the HelpGuide.org website, a mental health resource, support doesn’t have to come with the perfect words. It’s your presence that counts. But if you do want to speak, keep it simple and heartfelt:
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
“My heart breaks for you.”
“Would you like to talk about them?”
“I’m here to sit with you. No pressure to talk.”
Sometimes silence and just being present is the most comforting thing you can offer.
Most importantly, support is not just for the first week. The weeks and months after the funeral can feel lonelier, especially when everyone else returns to their routines.
A quick “thinking of you” text, checking in after a month, or offering to help with small tasks (like groceries or lifts to therapy) can go a long way.
Grief doesn’t just affect the heart – it takes a toll on the body too. You may find it hard to sleep, eat, or concentrate. You might feel exhausted all the time, or even experience chest tightness and headaches. This is normal. Grief is a full-body experience. If you’re grieving, know this: there is no timeline and no right way to do it.
What’s important is finding what helps you process – whether that’s journalling, prayer, talking to a friend or simply resting. Grief is a measure of love. And that deserves space and grace.
Support
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, contact SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group) at 0800 456 789 help is free and available 24/7.
