Weddinds in South Africa aren’t just a celebration they’re a family affair. But if you’ve ever found yourself locked in a cold war over the seating chart or caught in the crossfire of floral preferences, you’ll know the real test isn’t sticking to the budget.
It’s navigating the complicated, beautiful, sometimes bonkers relationship between a bride-to-be and her mom.
When “yes, mom” feels like “no, me”
We all know that moment your mom tears up at your dress fitting, remembers her own wedding, and suddenly, her dreams for your day start to bubble up.
“It’s completely natural for mothers to feel deeply invested,” explains Onwaba Gonyora, director at Brahman Hills. They’ve waited for this day, too. The key is balancing their emotion with clear boundaries and meaningful inclusion.”
This isn’t just a wedding, it’s a lifetime of hopes, stitched into a single day. But what happens when your vision for a barefoot beach bash clashes with her dream of a grand ballroom? Or do you want to elope, and she’s already shopping for fascinators?
Gonyora, who’s helped South African couples tie the knot for over two decades, says it straight: “No one is exempt. Even the closest relationships can be turned upside down by the emotional weight of wedding planning.” It’s not about control, it’s about love, nostalgia, and the desire to be part of something unforgettable.
Stay calm
When people get angry, the reason goes straight out the window. If you feel left out or sidelined, take a breath before you react. Sometimes, all it takes is a shift in language. “I’d love to be involved” sounds very different from “I should be involved”.
Four ways to honour your mom (and yourself)
Ready to keep the peace and make magic? Here’s how to give your mom her moment, without losing your own.
1. Be empathetic: Understand where she’s coming from
Your mom isn’t trying to hijack your day. She’s showing love the only way she knows how. Behind every strong opinion is a history, a memory, or maybe just a wish to help.
Try this: When she insists on a particular tradition, ask her why it matters. You might discover a story, a family secret, or a reason that brings you closer.
2. Include her in ways that count
Not every detail needs to be a group project, but some moments are sweeter when shared. Forget the old rules, make inclusion personal.
Try this: Skip the ring bearer and let your mom hand you the rings. Invite her to your dress fitting. Ask her to choose a family heirloom for you to wear. Or give her a reading at the ceremony. Intentional inclusion says, “I see you,” not just, “I need you”.
3. Assign her a role she can own
Moms love to feel useful, but too many cooks can spoil the cake (or the canapés). Give her a job she can shine at: think RSVP wrangler, bridal brunch host, or the queen of wedding favours.
Try this: Let her manage one key element. She’ll feel trusted, you’ll feel relieved, and the process becomes a team effort, not a tug-of-war.
4. Make her feel loved, not just involved
At the heart of it all, your mom wants to feel valued. More than the job list, she wants a seat at the emotional table.
Try this: Write her a letter on the morning of your wedding. Steal a moment alone to say thank you. Give her a hug when you’re both on the verge of tears. It’s these small acts that echo long after the confetti settles.
“The bottom line is, lead with love,” Gonyora asserts.
“You can honour your mom without surrendering your wedding. You can protect your peace without causing unnecessary pain. In our venue we see this balance play out in real time and when it’s done right, it creates unforgettable moments for both the bride and her mother.”
So, as you plan your big day, remember: Weddings are about more than flowers and cake. They’re about connection, compromise, and love – the kind that lasts long after the last dance.
