The presence of even a “good enough” father can be one of the most protective influences in a child’s psychological development, say experts.
In past generations, a father’s role was often seen as merely bringing home the pay cheque and providing discipline when necessary … emotional involvement was neither expected nor even encouraged.
But contemporary research now shows just how profoundly fathers shape their children’s mental health and resilience and that the influence of a father extends far beyond financial support – and in fact even physical presence. His emotional presence is what affects everything from emotional security to long-term wellbeing for children.
So, while sons and daughters may respond differently to their father’s parenting style, the impact has long-term impact, according to research.
Learnt behaviour
Fathering styles are often learned and passed down from generation to generation until one person is willing to change the outcome.
About 10 years ago, I was delivering workshops to men who were leaving prison to re-enter mainstream life. The transition can be difficult and re-integration a frightening prospect with many obstacles.
One day, as I was wondering if what I was doing in our sessions of about 20 men, actually benefitted anyone, one man approached me privately and told me that the weekend before he had hugged his young son for the first time.
“I didn’t know men were allowed to hug each other until these classes. We thought that was for men who fancied each other, not ‘real’ men. My father, my uncles, never hugged me.”
He had tears in his eyes. That good-touch hug – on the surface such a small thing for his long road ahead – had signified a first step in breaking a generational pattern and also a long-held belief in what makes a man a man.
While this was an experience in my everyday life as a counsellor, evidence from clinical research supports it too: children don’t just learn from what their fathers say, they learn from what they do. Whether it’s how a dad handles stress, expresses love (that hug) or resolves conflict, his actions teach children about emotional expression, boundaries and relationships.
Boys in particular benefit from fathers who model emotional intelligence and healthy ways of handling strong feelings.
International research has shown that positive father–son relationships reduce aggression and risky behaviour during adolescence, and even lower the risk of intimate partner violence later in life by nearly 50 percent.
While the father–daughter relationship has received more academic attention, experts are calling for greater focus on how fathers shape their sons’ emotional lives.
Future-proofing your child’s life
A loving, emotionally available father provides a sense of safety that helps children explore the world with confidence.
When fathers are warm, encouraging and involved, children are significantly less likely to experience mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression or aggression. Researchers have found that this effect is often even stronger in girls.
In the early 2000s, a large British study tracking more than 8,400 children over three decades found that close paternal involvement at age seven was linked to fewer psychological problems by age 16.
Continued fatherly engagement at 16 correlated with lower levels of distress at age 33, especially among daughters.
Locally, research into the father–daughter relationship has shown that strong emotional bonds with dads support better mental health during adolescence. Girls with close paternal relationships reported greater wellbeing and fewer signs of emotional distress.
Building self-esteem
A father’s role in shaping identity and self-worth is notable.
For daughters, a supportive father can help develop a healthy body image, boost confidence and reduce the risk of poor relationship choices.
In families where fathers are emotionally present, girls are also less likely to struggle with low self-esteem.
For sons, fathers often model what it means to be a man. When a father is both strong and emotionally open, he teaches his son that vulnerability is not a weakness but a sign of maturity and strength.
Mental health outcomes
Children who grow up with emotionally attuned fathers tend to have lower rates of depression, anxiety and behavioural problems. They also perform better academically and socially.
Conversely, fathers who are absent, critical or emotionally unavailable can contribute to a child’s struggles with anger, self-esteem and attachment.
A local University of Cape Town (UCT) study by Anna Varney-Wong, based on interviews with 20 Cape Town women who grew up without their fathers, found that many of the participants battled low self-worth, feelings of abandonment and depression, with some describing suicidal thoughts and a deep sense of emptiness.
Relationship patterns
Daughters often learn how they deserve to be treated by observing how their fathers treat them and others. This can shape future romantic relationships in both subtle and significant ways.
For sons, their father’s approach to relationships may be something they mimic or reject. Either way, it influences how they relate to friends, partners and colleagues throughout life.
It’s not about being perfect
One of my Qi Gong teachers once told be about the “good, better, best” philosophy. For instance, if you wanted to practise twice a day but only managed to do it once a day, and some weeks only three times a week. None of that was bad, as you were still doing this thing that you felt was good for you. In fact, whether I practised once a week or twice a day, the fact that I was doing it was good enough.
All research also points to this phenomena when it come to an emotionally present father. Even one who makes mistakes and is willing to repair them can have a positive impact.
A UCT study by Tauriq Hartley looked at the experiences of coloured fathers in Cape Town over two generations. He found that many of the men challenged stereotypes of absenteeism and emotional detachment.
“The fathers in this study often challenged dominant stereotypes by demonstrating emotional involvement, care and a desire to be present in their children’s lives,” he wrote. “For them, fatherhood was not defined solely by financial provision, but by love, guidance and emotional support.”
It seems then that a child doesn’t need a perfect dad. Just a good enough one, a dad who shows up, listens, tries and loves.
Happy Father’s Day to the good men who show up for us in all the good, better, best ways you do, biological dads and others too.
