In South Africa, where strength is often mistaken for silence, boys are still growing up with the message that “real men don’t cry”.
From the playground to the classroom, many boys are told to “man up” instead of being encouraged to express their emotions.
This silent pressure builds over time, leading to emotional suppression, mental health struggles, and in some cases, harmful behaviour.
As we observe International Mental Health Month and the International Day of the Boy Child, it’s time to ask ourselves: Are we giving our boys the safe emotional spaces they need to thrive?
Boys are not born emotionally closed off, society teaches them to be. Without safe environments to talk, process feelings, or seek help, many suffer in silence.
Because when we allow boys to feel, we allow them to heal and we start to break the cycle for the next generation.
With May being International Mental Health Month and the International Day of the Boy Child celebrated on May 16, it’s crucial to reflect on the emotional well-being of boys in South Africa.
This is a chance to challenge outdated notions of masculinity and explore how we, as a society, can nurture safe spaces where boys feel free to express themselves.
How patriarchal norms affect boys
While much of the conversation about gender equality focuses on the harm patriarchy causes women and girls, its impact on boys often goes unnoticed.
Boys are burdened by societal expectations that discourage emotional expression, leaving them ill-equipped to process and communicate their feelings.
“After working closely, for around thirteen years, with hundreds of boys and men, what stands out for me is a lack of fundamental competencies on how to identify and deal with our emotions,” explains Jaco van Schalkwyk, founder of The Character Company (TCC), a South African non-profit that works with boys who have absent fathers.
“There’s a longstanding lack of emotional literacy passed from father to son, not just the lack of safe spaces, but the scarcity of words to express challenging emotions.”
This emotional illiteracy, compounded over generations, leaves boys in a state of confusion when it comes to understanding their mental health and masculinity.
The consequences of suppressing boys’ emotional needs are far-reaching. According to multiple reports, male suicide rates in South Africa are four to five times higher than female suicide rates.
Jaco adds, “Pressures from all corners of society mean that men are not doing enough to teach boys about the fundamentals of vulnerability. Vulnerability is scary because we fear that being vulnerable will hurt us, particularly as men.
What happens when boys lack safe spaces?
Without safe emotional spaces, boys grow up in a vacuum where they lack role models who can demonstrate healthy masculinity.
Many fathers and male figures are absent, not just physically but emotionally, often because they were never taught how to process vulnerability.
“We are talking about a crisis with boys, but too many men don’t have experience in surrounding themselves with other men in safe spaces where they can have these critical, vulnerable conversations about masculinity and modern challenges.”
When boys are not given safe spaces to talk about their feelings, they often bottle everything up inside. They may feel like they have to deal with sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety on their own.
This can lead to:
1. Mental health problems: Boys who grow up without emotional support are more likely to struggle with depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts. In South Africa, many young men suffer in silence because they fear being judged for seeking help.
The stigma around mental health and the idea that “real men must be strong” stops many from speaking out.
2. Violence and anger issues: When boys are taught to hide their pain, they sometimes express it in unhealthy ways like aggression or violence. In some cases, this can contribute to gender-based violence or other harmful behaviours.
Teaching boys to express their emotions healthily can help break this dangerous cycle.
3. Poor relationships: Emotional awareness is key to forming strong relationships, whether with family, friends, or partners. Boys who grow up feeling unsafe to share their emotions may struggle to connect with others or understand how to support loved ones emotionally.#
4. Low self-esteem: If boys are always told to “toughen up”, they may start believing that their feelings don’t matter. This can lead to low self-worth and a lack of confidence. Every child, no matter their gender, deserves to feel heard, valued, and supported.
It’s time to rethink what it means to raise boys in South Africa. By creating environments where boys feel safe to express themselves, we can foster a healthier, more emotionally intelligent generation.
Here are some practical steps:
- Encourage open conversations at home: Parents and caregivers play a critical role in shaping how boys view emotions. Start by normalising conversations about feelings. Ask boys how they’re doing, listen without judgment, and let them know it’s okay to feel sad, scared, or overwhelmed.
- Challenge harmful stereotypes: Phrases like “man up” or “boys don’t cry” may seem harmless, but can reinforce harmful gender norms. Instead, celebrate emotional expression as a sign of strength and courage.
- Support mentorship programs: Organisations like The Character Company are doing incredible work in providing boys with male role models who can guide them through meaningful conversations about masculinity and vulnerability. Supporting such initiatives can help bridge the gap for boys without strong male figures in their lives.
- Integrate emotional education into schools: Schools are key environments for shaping young minds. By introducing emotional literacy programs, boys can learn how to identify, process, and communicate their feelings in healthy ways. Teachers and counsellors can also be trained to create empathetic spaces for boys.
- Encourage men to lead by example: Men need to step up and model vulnerability. As Jaco points out, this doesn’t mean having all the answers. It’s about showing boys that it’s okay to ask for help and to confront challenges with honesty and courage.
Raising emotionally healthy boys is not just about helping individual children but about creating a society where men and women can thrive together.
