The IRGC’s Death Note to America: Dissected

U.S.NewsPoliticsTechFact CheckSportsGlobalIran WarRussia-UkraineMiddle EastChina And AsiaLive BlogBetter PlanetAll World NewsLifestyleFamily & ParentingEntertainmentTravelPetsAutomotiveRelationshipsScienceHealthPersonal FinanceBetter WorkplacesReaders ChoiceOpinionMy TurnAll OpinionRankingsHealthFinanceProductsEducationWorkplacesCorporate ResponsibilityAll RankingsWatchThe 1600The Royal ReportUnconventionalFrom The PaddockNewsmakersExtraNewslettersDare to DreamEventsEssaysPodcastsVantageInsightsMagazineCEO CircleAnnouncementsLeadershipDev Pragad The Iranian regime is trying to Osama bin Laden its way out of trouble. No, I don’t mean like that. They wrote their own letter to America this week. At 26 pages and more than 14,000 words, it’s less a letter and more a dubiously sourced thesis written by an unhinged student. But don’t worry, you can probably guess the thrust of it without reading. And we read it for you anyway. In this newest edition of Dissected, Newsweek takes its scalpel to the IRGC’s “Open Letter to the Honorable People of the United States of America." Ice Cube put it better: “You better check yo' self before you wreck yo' self.” Finally, us “fake news” journalists getting some respect. I could warm to the mullahs. But seriously, why does the list of honorable Americans only extend to people in education and the media? Have the ayatollahs met college students? All the lads getting name-checked. Say it with your chest; it might be more believable. Sounds pretty hostile, to be fair. If the shoe fits. I thought you just said you’d won a decisive victory? Hard pass. No trip to an Iran under the regime’s control could be short enough. You’d just lock us up like Reza Valizadeh anyway. The credulity kicked in once the laughing stopped. Does "decimated" mean something different in Iran? It’s true, everyone’s wearing Khamenei merch and issuing fatwas in the U.S. these days. The regime killing tens of thousands of people who disagreed with it probably helped. Can’t be disunited if all the dissenters are dead. Somebody get the fellas over at the IRGC a Kpler subscription. Because the black stuff is getting through, chaps. All except yours, that is. Unless prayer and magic actually work, this is hard to believe. “We’d already done that.” Do all words have different meanings in Iran? Honesty? Liberty? Compassion? Is it permanently Opposite Day in Iran? What’s left of him is, anyway. “But when we do it, it’s OK.” Iran would know about a deficiency of military leaders. All theirs are dead. I’d say Iranians are probably more victims of the murderous clerical regime that slaughters them for protesting. But I’m just nitpicking. This seems to have turned into Mein Kampf. Brothers, have you looked at the rial charts recently? They were just saying Boo-urns. Americans have a decent record on liberating themselves from the tyranny of oppressive powers. Someone needs to get Mojtaba tickets to Hamilton. If the rumors are right, he’s a big fan of musical theater. A terror network, you say? Claiming the lives of many thousands of civilians? Sounds awfully familiar. That number is missing a zero or two; the Basij were much busier than you’re letting on. And have you considered not pursuing highly enriched uranium, or slaughtering innocents across the Middle East, or threatening to wipe another nation off the map? Food for thought. That’s more than a word. But I’ll grant you that “death to the crimes perpetrated by the American elite” is less catchy than “death to America." Which actually, if I’m understanding correctly, really means “we love Americans." It’s quite Trumpian in its own way. Should we take you seriously, not literally, too? It’s hard to do either, if I’m honest. A little less multi-service now that your navy is at the bottom of the sea. I suppose you could be considered highly successful in combating terrorism if you count suicide bombing as, technically speaking, also killing terrorists. This isn’t a suicide vest; it’s an anti-terrorist device with a 100 percent success rate! Remind us, didn’t something else happen in October 2023? Great title for a metal album. Yes, they sound like very smart experts. Did they attend Tehran’s finest universities? The answer is underneath a lot of rubble. I dunno, you tell me. Sounds like the kind of thing you guys would get a kick out of. Almost everything, except those things, which are all true. I see The Lincoln Project has a Tehran chapter. Now who on earth would do a thing like that, eh? Mojtaba Taylor Greene. Unlike in Iran, where the leaders are held accountable. By America and Israel, and at the end of a missile. Wow, aggressive negging now? Didn’t realize the IRGC had a squadron of pickup artists. Stop negging and start begging. Are you giving your prisoners in Evin kisses and cuddles? And it hasn’t. The regime firing a few drones and missiles across the region isn’t a regional war. Sorry to disappoint. He’s too…late…. Beautiful words from Ayatollah John Lennon. I prefer Nas: “Whose world is this? The world is yours.”…By Shane CroucherSenior Editor

0ShareNewsweek is a Trust Project memberSee more of our trusted coverage when you search.Prefer Newsweek on Googleto see more of our trusted coverage when you search.The Iranian regime is trying to Osama bin Laden its way out of trouble. No, I don’t mean like that. They wrote their own letter to America this week.

At 26 pages and more than 14,000 words, it’s less a letter and more a dubiously sourced thesis written by an unhinged student.

But don’t worry, you can probably guess the thrust of it without reading. And we read it for you anyway.

In this newest edition of Dissected, Newsweek takes its scalpel to the IRGC’s “Open Letter to the Honorable People of the United States of America.”

Indeed, God does not alter the affairs of a people until they alter their own affairs. — The Holy Qur’an 13:11

Ice Cube put it better: “You better check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.”

To the honorable people of the United States of America—the scholars, the students, and the members of the media.

Finally, us “fake news” journalists getting some respect. I could warm to the mullahs. But seriously, why does the list of honorable Americans only extend to people in education and the media? Have the ayatollahs met college students?

We begin this letter by saluting the noble souls of God’s greatest prophets—Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, may His peace and blessings be upon them all.

…despite the unprecedented acts of cruelty and violence suffered by the Iranian nation during this war, the United States and Israel have suffered a crushing defeat, while the Islamic Republic of Iran has achieved a decisive victory.

Say it with your chest; it might be more believable.

Why do Iranians chant, “Death to America”? Are they hostile to the American people?

The U.S. government claims that the Islamic Revolution Guards Corps (IRGC) is a terrorist organization. Is this true?

How will the present war between Iran and the U.S. unfold and end?

I thought you just said you’d won a decisive victory?

Should you doubt the honesty in the answers we provide to the foregoing questions, you can make a short trip to any part of Iran you wish—possibly even the Strait of Hormuz—and personally ascertain for yourselves the verity of our assertions.

Hard pass. No trip to an Iran under the regime’s control could be short enough. You’d just lock us up like Reza Valizadeh anyway.

Why has Iran won the war despite having a defense budget only one percent that of the United States? Perhaps, the first reaction you may have to this question is credulity.

The credulity kicked in once the laughing stopped.

The armed forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran decimated American bases located in the Persian Gulf region.

Does “decimated” mean something different in Iran?

Contrary to the best efforts of the U.S. government, Iran’s standing in American public opinion is actually improving, while Americans’ awareness of—and hostility toward—the principal force behind the war, Israel, is visibly increasing.

It’s true, everyone’s wearing Khamenei merch and issuing fatwas in the U.S. these days.

National solidarity in Iran has grown significantly stronger as a result of the war.

The regime killing tens of thousands of people who disagreed with it probably helped. Can’t be disunited if all the dissenters are dead.

For the first time in history, Iran has exerted, and retained, operational control over the Strait of Hormuz.

Somebody get the fellas over at the IRGC a Kpler subscription. Because the black stuff is getting through, chaps. All except yours, that is.

Not only did Iran retain its missile and drone stockpiles largely intact; it ramped up production of weapons and munitions and, amazingly, developed more advanced iterations even as the war raged on.

Unless prayer and magic actually work, this is hard to believe.

Trump did not and could not destroy the Iranian civilization…

In a word, the underlying foundation of the Islamic Revolution of Iran is the Quran’s divinely revealed doctrine and worldview. Honesty, liberty, equality, social equity, respect for the rights of others, political discernment, compassion, and the priority of human values over personal desires are among the basic social principles that stem from this Quranic doctrine.

Do all words have different meanings in Iran? Honesty? Liberty? Compassion? Is it permanently Opposite Day in Iran?

Imam Sayyid Mujtaba Khamenei is Iran’s third supreme leader.

The U.S. military is governed by a crooked ethos that condones cruelty, violence, and the killing of innocent children, an ethos that has no truly inspiring models in the real world.

If we were to boil down all of the problems that have caused the defeat of the American military, we would have to point to one glaring deficiency—a deficiency in competent leadership.

Iran would know about a deficiency of military leaders. All theirs are dead.

The nations of Iran and America are both, each in their own way, victims of the oppression of the occupants of the White House…

I’d say Iranians are probably more victims of the murderous clerical regime that slaughters them for protesting. But I’m just nitpicking.

The root of the pain the two nations share is that the evil occupants of the White House, who come to power in elections that are dominated by misleading propaganda campaigns, do not truly represent the American people. They only represent the interests of an elite cohort of powerful Zionist capitalists.

This seems to have turned into Mein Kampf.

As the U.S. marches headlong toward the precipice of a major economic crisis, with tens of millions of Americans living below the poverty line…

Brothers, have you looked at the rial charts recently?

In light of what has been said, it should be fairly obvious that the phrase “Death to America,” which Iranians have been chanting since the triumph of the Islamic Revolution, does not in any way express any ill will toward the American people, who have themselves suffered from the same oppression.

But toward the people of other nations—including the hardworking and honest people of America—Iran not only harbors no ill-will but is ready to offer any help they may need to liberate themselves from the tyranny of oppressive powers.

Americans have a decent record on liberating themselves from the tyranny of oppressive powers. Someone needs to get Mojtaba tickets to Hamilton. If the rumors are right, he’s a big fan of musical theater.

Violent domestic terrorism was another form that America’s hostility toward Iran took in the aftermath of the Islamic Revolution…a large terror network that claimed the lives of many thousands of civilians.

A terror network, you say? Claiming the lives of many thousands of civilians? Sounds awfully familiar.

CIA and Mossad agents infiltrated peaceful demonstrations—sparked by economic hardship resulting largely from the inhumane sanctions imposed by the U.S.—and turned them into violent clashes, resulting in the martyrdom of more than 2,300 innocent Iranians.

That number is missing a zero or two; the Basij were much busier than you’re letting on. And have you considered not pursuing highly enriched uranium, or slaughtering innocents across the Middle East, or threatening to wipe another nation off the map? Food for thought.

The foregoing list of acts of hostility committed by the U.S. government against Iran is in no way an indictment of the American people. It is, rather, the shameful record of the inhuman crimes of America’s political leaders. In this light, the true meaning of “Death to America” is “Death to the crimes perpetrated by the American elite.” It is, in a word, not an expression of ill will toward the American people.

That’s more than a word. But I’ll grant you that “death to the crimes perpetrated by the American elite” is less catchy than “death to America.” Which actually, if I’m understanding correctly, really means “we love Americans.”

It’s quite Trumpian in its own way. Should we take you seriously, not literally, too? It’s hard to do either, if I’m honest.

One of the entities the U.S. hypocritically designates as a terrorist organization is the Islamic Revolution Guards Corps (IRGC), which is a multi-service military force independent of the country’s traditional army that was established with the explicit mandate to protect and promote the Islamic Revolution, the animating soul of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

A little less multi-service now that your navy is at the bottom of the sea.

…there is not a single verifiable instance where the IRGC has committed an act of violence against civilians. In fact, it would not be an overstatement to assert that the Guards are the world’s most effective organization in combating terrorism.

I suppose you could be considered highly successful in combating terrorism if you count suicide bombing as, technically speaking, also killing terrorists. This isn’t a suicide vest; it’s an anti-terrorist device with a 100 percent success rate!

Israel’s aggression reached a new height of inhumanity three years ago, when in October 2023 the Israeli army launched an offensive against Gaza…

Remind us, didn’t something else happen in October 2023?

They lied about the connection of Afghanistan to the September 11 attack on New York’s Twin Towers (which a significant number of very smart experts have characterized as a false-flag operation orchestrated by American intelligence agencies)…

Yes, they sound like very smart experts. Did they attend Tehran’s finest universities?

For 25 years now, the White House (across multiple administrations) has claimed that Iran is only a few months or weeks away from building a nuclear bomb. Well, if this claim were true, why has Iran not yet gone through with its plan to build the bomb?

The answer is underneath a lot of rubble.

I dunno, you tell me. Sounds like the kind of thing you guys would get a kick out of.

Almost everything Americans are told about Iran—that it’s a dictatorship, that the government is massacring its own people, that Iran is scientifically backward and economically bankrupt, that the people have given up on their government, etc.—is a lie.

Almost everything, except those things, which are all true.

Trump is in a league of his own when it comes to lying. He can look you straight in the face and blurt out an egregious lie that you know is a lie, and he says it as if it were gospel.

I see The Lincoln Project has a Tehran chapter.

They deliberately falsify the figures for human casualties, military losses, and the costs of the war, presenting them as many times lower than they actually are.

Now who on earth would do a thing like that, eh?

Americans need to wake up. They need to wrest control back from corrupt politicians.

It’s the American taxpayers that always pay the price of their leaders’ incompetence. The leaders themselves are never held accountable.

Unlike in Iran, where the leaders are held accountable. By America and Israel, and at the end of a missile.

One of the consequential upshots of this tendency of the American government to get sidetracked by inessential matters is that China now surpasses the U.S. in almost every metric of progress.

Wow, aggressive negging now? Didn’t realize the IRGC had a squadron of pickup artists. Stop negging and start begging.

The appalling treatment that the American military displayed at such notorious sites as Abu Ghraib, Bagram, and Guantanamo created worldwide revulsion toward the U.S.

Are you giving your prisoners in Evin kisses and cuddles?

Our martyred leader had warned that an American attack on Iran would ignite a wide-scale war engulfing the entire region. The American government did not believe him.

And it hasn’t. The regime firing a few drones and missiles across the region isn’t a regional war. Sorry to disappoint.

The warnings of the late Supreme Leader must now be taken seriously.

We pray for an imminent end to oppression and aggression, for the liberation of all nations from the grip of tyrants, for a life of loving fellowship and universal peace.

Beautiful words from Ayatollah John Lennon.

“Assuredly, We wrote in [David’s] Psalms…that the world will be inherited by My virtuous servants.” —The Holy Qur’an 21:105

I prefer Nas: “Whose world is this? The world is yours.”