The Celebrity Traitors – live

TV’s best entertainment show is back – with an unbelievably star-stuffed lineup. But who will be the faithful and who will head straight for the tower?

Claudia Winkleman and the cast of The Celebrity Traitors 2026. Photograph: BBC/Studio Lambert/Cody Burridge/BBC Creative/PAView image in fullscreenClaudia Winkleman and the cast of The Celebrity Traitors 2026. Photograph: BBC/Studio Lambert/Cody Burridge/BBC Creative/PARight then, The Celebrity Traitors 2026 is go.

Just quickly, before the show starts, do remember that I’m a bit of a dinosaur at this. I haven’t regularly liveblogged a television series since X Factor sent me legitimately loopy 11 years ago. That’s a long time to be out of the game, and I’m bound to be a bit rusty at this.

However, today I found an old tweet from X Factor legend Wagner offering me a free tattoo. So that’s the real goal here. I’m basing the success of this liveblog purely on whether or not Professor Hannah Fry invites me out to get my nipples pierced. It is that or it is death.

In the meantime, before the show starts (still 15 minutes away, honestly you’re here far too early), familiarise yourself with the series thanks to Michael Hogan’s brilliant need-to-know round-up.

Read moreWhat can we assume from the line-up? Some quick predictions. 1) King Kenny will be first out, because traditional celebrities will always reject YouTubers at the first opportunity.

2) All the comedians with podcasts will merge together into a single pulsating entity of limbs and teeth like the thing at the end of The Substance.

3) Nobody will write down Myha’la’s name during the round table, because they’re all scared of putting the apostrophe in the wrong place.

4) Ross Kemp will either be the best Traitor ever, the best Traitor hunter ever, or someone whose skull will explode at some point before Halloween.

5) Maya Jama will ONE THOUSAND PERCENT refer to another contestant as ‘yourself’ during the first round table.

Before the show begins, it’s probably worth running through this year’s contestants, along with brief descriptions that will inevitably come back to haunt me when I invariably have to interview them at some point in the future.

Amol Rajan – Man whose first decision after leaving the BBC was to sign up for the BBC’s biggest show. Bella Ramsey – Actor who professionally spends time around zombies, so will do well here. James Acaster – Comedian and podcaster James Blunt – Self-aware annoyance Jerry Hall – The Joker’s ex-girlfriend Joanne McNally – Comedian and podcaster Joe Lycett – Comedian, and the only person here who follows me on social media, which destroys my journalistic integrity a bit.

Julie Hesmondhalgh – Person from Coronation Street. King Kenny – YouTube prankster. Not a real king. Leigh-Anne Pinnock – Former member of Little Mix and, as such, the only person on this list who I have previously liveblogged about. Maya Jama – ‘Broadcaster and Entrepreneur’ it says here, despite that making her sound worryingly like Alan Sugar.

Michael Sheen – Michael Bloody Sheen for God’s sake. Miranda Hart – The only person here to have a sitcom named after her Myha’la – Actor and owner of a liveblogger’s nightmare of a name.

Professor Hannah Fry – Quite nice maths lady.

Richard E. Grant – Richard Bloody E Bloody Grant for God’s sake.

Romesh Ranganathan – Comedian and podcaster

Ross Kemp – Man who has visible nervous breakdowns whenever England play competitive matches in any sport.

Sharon Rooney – Actor with name that makes her sound like Wayne Rooney’s daughter

Good evening fellow hundies, and welcome to The Guardian’s liveblog of The Celebrity Traitors. Tonight – and for every single episode of the series – I will be here with you, typing descriptions of things that you can already see and hear perfectly well. From the bottom of my heart, you are welcome.

OK, fine, I’m liveblogging Celebrity Traitors because I want to liveblog Celebrity Traitors. Last year I did the finale, and it was so much fun that I offered to do the whole thing this year. And for good reason: not only will this in all likelihood be the most-watched television series of the year, but I’d put money on it also being the most stupidly addictive.

There will be betrayal. There will be elaborate costumes. There will be a big 20-minute gap in every episode where all the contestants have to go and get a thing out of a thing, and everyone will pretend that it’s very important despite it having no real bearing on the outcome of anything. And, unless there has been a drastic change of format, there will be several songs from a garden centre CD compilation entitled Now That’s What I Call Some Woman Shouting Vaguely Recognisable Versions Of Popular Songs While Stomping On Lego Without Any Shoes On.

Tonight’s episode starts at 8pm, but we’ll get to that in time. The most important thing to remember here is that I cannot do this alone. If you can comment, please do comment. You will see things that I’ll miss, and be funnier than me, and make me feel less like I’m all alone and shouting into a bucket. Thanks for being here. See you at 8pm.