The Internet Is a Godless, Hysterical Place, Week #72

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Digital literacy is going to hell. Someone out there needs to redeem the growing army of boomer “screenagers,” so I’m going to start preaching at food courts and malls, gathering up the retirees as they sodcast AI slop on their leather-encased iPads at full volume.

I’m going to do that by reading these RATED AND SLATED columns aloud, giving them the “absolute good truth shit that every1 has been waiting to hear in this sea of lying crap nonsense.” My new followers will be wowed by these sermons, completely unaware that I’m just recycling old @dril jokes.

i am eating at the counter at a diner and a pair of baby boomers are just sitting here with an ipad, speakers on full blast, watching reels of AI slop. there are maybe 10,000 sentient human beings on earth pic.twitter.com/prD3317BxK

After I’ve led them out of the darkness of anthropomorphic fruit drama and assorted memecoin freaks, I’ll inevitably be hanged from the cross.

And when I ask, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” a blurred photograph of Jack Nicholson will appear in the sky, and loudly intone that “theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron.”

JUST IN: New AI tool called "GatGPT" reportedly allows users with little firearms knowledge to design & manufacture 3D-printed guns.

There’s a vibe-coder somewhere asking AI for a 3D-printed version of “The Culture.” He’s hoping once he has it no one will be able to laugh at him when he uses the term “gat.” Until then, better stick with “firearm” or “projectile-launching device”—that 3D-printed grill ain’t fooling anyone.

COFFEE AND CONTEMPLATION IN THE TESLA CYBERCAB

Coffee and Contemplation just hits harder in the Tesla Cybercab. pic.twitter.com/IL6EwpEiPW

Freed of the psychic burden of driving his own car, this modern-day Zen master has nothing to distract him from his important work of meditating on the nature of existence. Watch him contemplate the mysteries of the universe while sipping milky coffee from a plastic cup. See him become one with the infinite, while fondling his smart phone. This is a spiritual teacher we should all follow; if we’re lucky, he’ll launch an OnlyFans with more premium foot content.

HUMANOID ROBOT CUTTING A CUCUMBER WITH A KNIFE

From the way he’s shaking, I can only guess this guy is making those little triangular cheese and cucumber sandwiches for the actual Queen of England, and if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll be sent to work for her idiot son rearranging his pathetic teddy bear collection. And if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll be sent to work for his perverted financier friend making videos on his private island. And if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll become an anonymous FBI tip which is never fully investigated. Admit it, you’d be nervous too.

‘THE DEEP-FRIED ZOOMER EQUIVALENT OF THE MILLENNIAL HYPEBEAST AESTHETIC’

"'Ball hog' is essentially the deep-fried zoomer equivalent of the millennial hypebeast aesthetic." https://t.co/MPYTQIGY7z

The doorman had clearly never heard of ball hog as he threw me out of the club for not respecting the “dress code.” He must not have clocked the Hedi Slimane-era Saint Laurent sweatshirt and Nicolas Ghesquière-era Balenciaga sneakers, as I was forcibly returned to the nearest tent city. And now the fent zombies are circling, I’m thinking that maybe I should have kept schtum about this fit being worth ten bands.WEST END GIRL-INSPIRED BUTT PLUG

Lily Allen launches self-tested sex toys, including West End Girl-inspired butt plug https://t.co/TYCfcwLQmG

While performing her recent break-up record, Lily Allen was criticized for refusing to talk to the audience, but that’s because she believes in letting her art speak for itself. Case in point: this new West End Girl-inspired butt plug. The message here is clear, revenge is a dish best served with a viral marketing campaign including an official sex-toy partner.

You can now fish in VR and still watch your actual TV. pic.twitter.com/GaHUPvjLQH

There’s no armed standoff so intense it couldn’t be brought to a peaceful end with a copy of Real Fishing VR and a roast chicken, and a few cans of lager. I’ve got my dressing gown on and I’m headed to the police cordon as soon as I’ve finished this 14th line of cocaine.

Weasel News and Burger Shot physical ads on display in Miami for GTA 6.(via: @OfficialJoelF & benjirr/TikTok) pic.twitter.com/fxea52gWFC

I’ve been training myself in sleep deprivation and shower refusal in preparation for the release of Grand Theft Auto VI, so I’m already struggling to tell where my life ends and the video game begins, and these billboards really aren’t helping. I’ve had 15 minutes’ sleep in the past week but somehow I’ve managed to get a promotion; that’s right, you’re looking at the new anchor of Weazel News.

Lance Oppenheim says he bribed Robert Pattinson into starring in ‘PRIMETIME’ by sending him 200 canisters of Zyn with a letter saying “Dear Chris Han-Zyn”.“Rob, at the time, was grappling with a Zyn addiction.”(Source: https://t.co/eZ8Edhw78r) pic.twitter.com/FG76AANGd9

With enough nicotine, anyone can become an actor. The first time I tried snus, I immediately performed a lengthy monologue for my unsuspecting audience (a Norwegian techno DJ who’d just sold me magic mushrooms), which came to an abrupt end when I had to rush to the bathroom to perform another (equally intense) delivery. On my return, I was told that I’d taken the lowest dose on public sale, which was still so powerful that I spent the whole night wandering the streets of Oslo silently rehearsing my Oscar acceptance speech.

Dwayne Johnson is taking his roles very seriously from now on, it seems.He was already impressive in The Smashing Machine, but his next project with Benny Safdie, Lizard Music, will have him starring as the "Chicken Man."This is a bold and original move. Shifting from the… pic.twitter.com/Wi9jlDlLUn

The Rock’s attempts to shift away from blockbuster action hero by becoming “the Chicken Man” left him completely unprepared for what happened in Philly last night. I can’t believe they blew him up and, if that wasn’t bad enough, they blew up his house too. I’m sorry Bruce Springsteen, we should have listened when you tried to warn us.

X Share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Facebook Share using Native toolsShareCopied to clipboard MoreFrom VICE (Photo by David A. Smith/Getty Images) Metal Legend Plans to Quit Music and Become a Farmer Raising Fainting Goats 1 hour ago By Caleb Catlin

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