You be the judge: should my husband stop looking up menus before we eat out?

Illustration: Igor Bastidas/The GuardianView image in fullscreen Illustration: Igor Bastidas/The GuardianYou be the judge: should my husband stop looking up menus before we eat out?After losing a few stone, Abdeen now likes to plan his meals ahead, but Claire says he is taking the joy out of going to restaurants. Whose argument carries more weight? You decide

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double quotation markI want him to be more spur-of-the-moment because that will improve my dining experience

I love eating out. I’m lucky that I’m naturally slim and have never really had any issues with food. Abdeen, my husband of seven years, is different and has always struggled with his weight.

When I met him, he was probably four stone (25kg) heavier than he is now. He’s lost a lot of weight using the jabs and is now very conscious of putting weight back on. I’m really proud that he’s taking his health seriously, and I don’t think the jabs are an “easy way out”, but eating out with Abdeen while he was losing weight was tricky, and it’s still a bit tedious at times.

Before we go out to eat, Abdeen will look up the menus because he wants to watch his calories. His habit often ruins the surprise for me. He will download a menu and analyse his choices before we arrive, asking me: “What are you going to get?”

I don’t want to discuss a menu before we arrive at a restaurant. I like not knowing what I’m going to eat until I see another diner beside me order it, or speak to the waiting staff and think: “Ooh, that sounds nice.”

Abdeen doesn’t even look at the menu when we arrive, and that makes me feel rushed. He will just sit down and say: “I know what I want,” but I like to take my time. It also cheapens the dining experience for me when we’re in a nice place. It makes me feel as if we’re in a canteen, waiting for a pre-ordered tray to be placed in front of us, and not people with sophisticated palates being given time to choose our food.

Abdeen wants to feel he’s in control of his food. He wants to make sure he’s making healthy choices, but I think he can do that without consulting menus in advance. I want him to be a bit more spur‑of‑the‑moment, because that would improve my dining experience. I don’t think his way of doing things is any fun. If he really doesn’t want to change how he chooses his food, I’d happily compromise: he can look at the menu beforehand, but please don’t read it out to me or ask what I’m ordering. Let me have my surprise.

Read moreThe defence: Abdeen double quotation markIt’s easy for someone who has never had to think much about their weight to choose food on the spot

I understand that Claire likes the spontaneity of eating out, but for me, looking at the menu beforehand is partly how I’ve learned to manage my weight. I don’t think I should have to stop doing something that works for me just because she finds it less exciting.

I lost a lot of weight using the jabs and I’m not ashamed of that, but I’ve been off them for about a year because I hit my goal and they were too expensive. Now, keeping the weight off is important to me, and that means being conscious of what I eat.

Restaurants can be difficult because you don’t always know how calorific something is. There are lots of hidden fats. If I look at the menu beforehand, I can work out what my options are without feeling under pressure. I can decide that if I’m having a burger, for example, maybe I won’t have a starter, or I’ll make a healthier choice earlier in the day. It gives me a sense of control.

I don’t like deciding in the moment because I can make bad choices. Claire can look at the menu for as long as she wants when we get there. If she wants to ask the waiter questions, look at what other people are eating and change her mind three times, that’s fine. I don’t think knowing what you’re going to eat turns dining out at a nice restaurant into a canteen experience. We’re still spending time together, having a drink, talking and enjoying the food.

I do sometimes ask her what she’s going to order beforehand, but that’s because I’ve already looked at the menu at home before we go out. I’m not trying to make her choose in advance.

If Claire really hates hearing about the menu, I can stop reading it out to her. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask me to wait until we arrive to make my own decision because being spontaneous around food is what caused me to gain weight. It’s easy for someone who has never had to think much about their weight to choose food on the spot. Claire can have her surprise; I just don’t want one myself.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look up a menu beforehand, especially given Abdeen’s reasons. However, he could still at least open the menu in the restaurant and discuss the options with Claire. I think that’s part of the dining experience, and it would give her time to decide without feeling rushed.Suvi, 27

If Claire’s fine-dining fantasy hinges almost entirely on menu selection – a small part of the overall experience – she is neglecting the real fun of eating out: the company. Claire should be grateful for Abdeen’s laudable strategy, as many people managing their weight avoid restaurants entirely.Matthew, 54

It’s a reluctant guilty from me, as I will often peruse the menu before going to a restaurant. However, there is nothing worse than a rushed experience. Perhaps not reading out the menu prior to going to the restaurant is the compromise.Shelly, 49

Claire needs to accommodate Abdeen’s ways with the menu. While frustrating for her, the mental and physical impact on him seems significant. And maybe if Abdeen compromised a little (he could talk about it a bit less) it would help.Josephine, 33

It’s good for Abdeen to look at a menu beforehand to decide on his choices due to his past issues. This enables him to be prepared rather than turning up to a restaurant and finding few things that would suit him. Claire has to see the bigger picture.Sakib, 53

In our online poll, tell us: should Abdeen stop making such a meal of eating out?

The poll closes on Wednesday 21 October at 9am BST

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