I hate the new wildlife bank notes. No one aspires to be a

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in

Want to bookmark your favourite articles and stories to read or reference later? Start your Independent Membership today.

I am surprised by how visceral my reaction to the Bank of England’s plans for nature-themed banknotes has been: I’ve never been so angry to see a hedgehog in my life.

Out are bills celebrating the best of human achievement, and in their place we’ll have notes embracing British wildlife: an Atlantic puffin, a barn owl, a buff-tailed bumblebee, and a “European hedgehog” (whatever that is). I suppose we can’t have a black Labrador since nature minister Jenny Riddell-Carpenter declared them racist.

Nearly half a million members of the public voted for these woodland animals, although far fewer voted for the “nature” theme. Although the Boaty McBoatface fiasco should have taught us the British public can’t be trusted with a ballot.

The change comes, the Bank has said, because people need to clearly tell the difference between new and old currency. I’m sure the new notes will look cute, but that’s the first reason I recoil from them. I don’t want twee denominations. What next? Shall we replace the King on our coins with a lovely little dormouse? Or stamp teddy bears on gold bullion?

With our economy tanking, creating a saccharine currency isn’t going to help our international standing.

In some countries, perhaps animals on banknotes make sense. Scotland, known for its majestic natural habitat, has otters and ospreys.

If we were a country boasting a Big Five, that might be worth celebrating: like the South African rand adorned with splendid lions and elephants. But a bee? Give me strength. (Manchester, however, will probably be delighted.)

In England, the only place where nature banknotes make sense is a National Trust-themed Monopoly set.

They say you don’t miss what you’ve got until it’s gone, and I admit I never cared so much about our banknotes until I learnt how lame they will become. Now I realise I relished the notable figures on our bills.

Much as I hate to align myself with Nigel Farage, his sentiment that replacing Sir Winston Churchill with an owl is “absolutely crackers” is correct.

It’s as close as I get to feeling patriotic when I think of our tender. JMW Turner’s face rendered in purple on a twenty, the glowing sunset of his The Fighting Temeraire painting behind him, which hangs for us all in the National Gallery.

Since 2017, Jane Austen has graced the tenner – the first female writer on a note – beside the line: “I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading!” A nod to Britain’s great literary heritage.

The addition of Alan Turing on the fifty in 2021 is a reminder of not just his pioneering computer work but the significance of his posthumous pardon.

Our tender is a rendering of our collective accomplishments. For many children, getting pocket money (or raiding their parents’ wallets) will be their first introduction to some of these figures. People responsible for propelling our culture and carving our civilisation, unlike, say, a hedgehog.

Do we expect an owl to inspire the same intrigue and ambition? No one aspires to be a bee when they grow up.

Most of all, portraying animals on our filthy lucre feels incongruent. Money is a symbol of capitalism; the antithesis of nature. That’s why Monopoly money has a train on it as a symbol of industrial growth. Like it or hate it, money is what built Britain, and it makes sense for it to showcase the people who drove that project.

Soon there will only be one face on our banknotes – the monarch – a symbol of anti-meritocracy. How depressing is that?

Join our commenting forumJoin thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in