9 subtle ways resentment builds in many otherwise loving relationships (address these or pay the price)

If you let a drop of ink fall into a bathtub, the water isn’t going to change color: the ink will disperse imperceptibly. If you keep adding ink to the water, however, those drops will eventually accumulate, and the bathwater will get saturated with pigment.

A single incident is like a lone droplet in the bath, but if those incidents happen repeatedly, the resentment can build up, even if your relationship is otherwise loving.

Address these issues as soon as possible, or risk paying a devastating price.

There’s an old phrase that goes: “There’s always a price to pay for being free-spirited, but it’s not the free spirit who pays it”.

It’s true. When one partner always has to be the reliable one and the other feels they have full leave to live a life free of responsibility or stress, that can place immense pressure on the responsible one.

It’s not fair for one partner to carry all the duty while the other gets to play without being weighed down by adult responsibility.

As such, if things between you and your partner are unbalanced like this, address that issue while you still can. Otherwise, the resentment may become too great for the relationship to be salvaged.

Some couples are immensely fortunate because the household labor and chores are divided equally based on individual strengths. Others are terribly unfair, with one partner doing far more labor than the other, and that includes childcare.

For example, one spouse may work an eight-hour shift and then have another 8 hour shift when they come home, in which they have to cook, bathe the kids, put them to bed, and then do laundry and dishes while their spouse watches TV on the couch.

Make a list of all the chores that you’re responsible for versus the ones your partner does, and determine whether that list looks equal to you. Include work that’s done outside the home, such as breadwinning, grocery shopping, arranging appointments, PTA meetings, and so on.

If the lists are grossly disparate, make a point of addressing that and enforcing clear boundaries as soon as possible to balance them more fairly.

It’s devastating to come to the realization that the person you love, whom you’ve chosen to spend your life with and who claims to love you, wouldn’t protect you in a crisis.

Maybe they don’t stand up for you if their family insults you. Or if a stranger screams at you in public, your partner walks away and lets you deal with it on your own because they don’t like conflict. Or vice versa.

Few things can make a person feel as alone in the world as when their own partner proves that they’ll abandon them at the first sign of trouble.

If this behavior has happened repeatedly over the course of your relationship, either on your part or that of your spouse, this needs to be changed immediately. Few people want to remain in a long-term partnership with someone they can neither trust nor depend upon.

It’s very rare that both partners will bring in equal amounts of money from their jobs, or pay for expenses equally.

As such, resentment can build if one party works less or has a less demanding job yet expects the other to do all the chores as well as the breadwinning, or is spending money irresponsibly.

Alternatively, the working hours may be the same, but one partner simply earns less and feels like (or is made to feel like) they have to do more of the household chores and limit their day-to-day spending to make up for it.

It can be even more problematic if one partner isn’t working at all, but nor are they contributing to the household in other ways.

In cases like those, the relationship may fall apart because one spouse ends up feeling immensely used and taken advantage of, even though both partners may love each other dearly.

Even though this type of behavior is often a result of physical or mental health difficulties, it can still take an immense toll on the partner who’s working around the clock to keep the family going.

In all of these situations, open communication, agreed roles, responsibilities, and spending are key here to avoid resentment brewing.

Loving partners consistently show each other that they’re there for one another. They help each other through tough times, often taking turns leaning on one another, as well as offering encouragement and guidance in challenging situations.

This is completely normal and a mark of a strong, healthy relationship.

What’s unfair, however, is when one partner consistently has to be the other’s counsellor and cheerleader while getting little to no support in turn.

Furthermore, they may not feel able to have or express emotions of their own because the other one “can’t handle it,” or accuses them of being overly needy or dramatic.

One of the keys to a long, healthy relationship is mutual support. When only one partner is receiving this support, and the other is expected to keep giving it regardless of their own needs, that can cause immense resentment pretty quickly.

When your partner promises to do something and either forgets about it or prioritizes something else, that can be immensely hurtful.

Of course, this can happen to us all at times, as everything from stress or lack of sleep to brain fog can interfere with plans, at which point we apologize profusely and try to make it up to the one we let down.

It’s a different story, however, if one partner usually keeps their word while the other keeps breaking their promises without good reason.

This is especially true if whatever caused them to break their word was something fun and self-indulgent instead of taking care of a responsibility. For example, if your partner flakes out on your birthday year after year because something more important to them comes up.

That’s not ok, and it won’t be long before resentment is a permanent feature in your relationship.

In some relationships, one partner ends up having to take on an almost parental role to the other because the other partner doesn’t take proper care of themselves. For example, if your partner is diabetic (or heading that way), but they refuse to monitor their diet or blood sugar.

They might expect you to manage their condition for them, such as insisting that you be the one to carry candy or juice with you when you go out together, just in case they experience a blood sugar crash.

While obviously you’ll want to support them, putting their health management in your hands can be incredibly stressful, especially if you know they won’t be diligent about their own needs when you aren’t around.

You two might love one another deeply, but having to parent your partner can put a real damper on any romantic feelings that were once there.

It’s distressing when you discover that other people know details about you that you only divulged to your partner.

You might feel equally distressed if your spouse makes fun of you in front of others about something you’re sensitive about, and brushes off your distress by saying that it’s no big deal and you’re getting upset over nothing.

Honoring boundaries is fundamental in a relationship. Even if love is strong between you, having your boundaries perpetually overstepped or disregarded can erode trust and faith between you.

The same goes for exorbitant spending without mutual agreement, or flirtation outside the bounds of established relationship protocols.

It’s incredibly fulfilling to achieve something you’ve invested a great amount of time, energy, and other resources into. When this happens, and you’re elated at the success you’ve attained, it’s normal to want to share that with the one you love.

Until their response is dismissive or even mocking instead of supportive, that is.

Unfortunately, there are many reasons why this happens in otherwise loving relationships.

Your partner might feel envious or upset about your success if they haven’t been able to pursue their own dreams, and they don’t realize how their response affects you. Or vice versa: maybe you’re the one who doesn’t feel like celebrating a success you wish you had instead.

Whilst jealousy is a human emotion we all experience from time to time, if it happens frequently in your relationship and is left unchecked, you can rest assured that resentment will keep building as warm feelings between you subside.

Life is messy, and we all make mistakes at times. It’s when we keep making the same mistakes instead of learning from them that we run the risk of causing resentment in our relationships.

When we truly love someone, we try to do our best to move past our own issues in order to be as caring and supportive as possible. If we don’t, the price we may end up paying is alienation due to the very resentment we’ve helped to cause.

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Catherine Winter is an herbalist, INTJ empath, narcissistic abuse survivor, and PTSD warrior currently based in Quebec’s Laurentian mountains. In an informal role as confidant and guide, Catherine has helped countless people work through difficult times in their lives and relationships, including divorce, ageing and death journeys, grief, abuse, and trauma recovery, as they navigate their individual paths towards healing and personal peace.