Do you have an annoying male colleague who constantly talks over you? These are the six techniques you need to be wary of – and how to respond

We’ve all got that male colleague – you know the one. He talks over you in meetings, belittles you in front of your boss, refuses to work with you and passes off your ideas as his own.

You’ve tried everything, from raising your voice and undermining him, to tiptoeing around and being co-operative at any cost, but nothing seems to work. That’s because all his behaviours are the result of insecurity, says author and executive coach James Dakin.

His incendiary new book, How to Stop Taking Sh*t From Insecure Men, suggests women can navigate past an infuriating co-worker surprisingly easily once they identify this weakness. So how has he become such an expert?

‘I am a world authority on what it’s like to be a chronically insecure man, because that’s what I grew up into,’ says James.

‘My father, headmaster of a boys’ prep school, specialised in undermining confidence, and so I was taught from a young age, “You’ll never amount to anything.” I was chronically insecure. I never believed I was good enough, worthy or lovable.’

This affected his romantic relationships as, terrified of becoming emotionally abusive like his father, he was ‘a complete doormat’.

James explains: ‘As an insecure man, you have a perception of how you want the world to see you, and a need to hide what you believe is the truth. So the single biggest risk is that someone says or does something that will expose who we really are.’

He notes that in childhood, if there’s trauma or neglect, ‘our emotional development tends to get arrested’.

Many women have dealt with a difficult male colleague before, but nothing – from raising your voice and undermining him, to tiptoeing around and being co-operative – seems to work

Author James Dakin explains in his book, How to Stop Taking Sh*t From Insecure Men, it’s easy to handle infuriating co-workers once women realise such behaviours stem from insecurity

So while women might think they’re addressing a man who is 25, 45 or 65, ‘in that moment they’re dealing with a seven or 17-year-old boy’.

Ultimately, this destroyed his relationship with the mother of his children, as if ever she reproached him, ‘I’d hear, “You’re a bad man, you’re not good enough”.’ He was so desperate to defend himself he wouldn’t listen, acknowledge his mistakes or say sorry.

Only when she calmly told him, ‘I hope our daughter never meets a man like you and I hope our son never grows up to become one’, did he realise he had to change. It was a ‘long journey’, but he did.

They’re no longer together, but they are dear friends.

All these experiences make James passionate about helping women reclaim their power, both at home and at work. He knows instinctively what to do when his female clients rage that a man is impossible to work with, or that a male colleague gently sighs when they speak.

James says: ‘I put myself in the man’s shoes, and think, “If it was me, what would work?” And that’s what I share with them.’

As a result, over the past 30 years James has helped thousands of women transform their careers by guiding them in how to navigate insecure men in the office.

Of course, they shouldn’t have to, he stresses. The men should change! But will they? No.

And so for smart, talented women ‘sick to the back teeth’ of being undermined, James suggests an approach which revolutionises their dynamic with such men – often in weeks.

‘They are included, they are respected, they are promoted, they are listened to,’ he says.

Here are six of the techniques he swears by.

Politely stand your ground without belittling or confronting him. Sounding furious simply triggers his defences and you make an enemy.

Instead, say calmly, ‘Excuse me, Steve. Thank you for your point, but before you make it, may I just finish mine?’ Or, ‘Can I just finish my point and then I’d be delighted for you to continue yours?’ He can’t say ‘No’ – it’s not socially acceptable.

When framed as a question, there’s no threat to his ego, and he gives permission. You’ve reclaimed your power, but you’re not overpowering him.

Yet the statement underneath is, ‘Stop. You’ve interrupted me. I’m going to speak. Don’t do this again.’

You want to roar ‘I just said that!’ Instead, you say warmly, without sarcasm, ‘Dan. That’s very kind of you to repeat my point for me. Let me build on it.’

As James says, ‘If you tell me I’m being an idiot with a big broad smile and in a happy voice, I don’t experience it as you telling me I’m being an idiot.

‘If you say exactly the same thing with a pointy finger, it’s an attack and my defences come up.’

By responding with apparent gratitude, you keep him receptive and therefore able to listen and hear what you’re saying. He might even twig that if he is supportive he’ll look better.

If a male colleague parrots your idea, try responding in a warm tone of voice rather than a sarcastic one, suggests James, as he is likely to be more receptive and willing to listen to you

A manager called James’s client, an engineering specialist, with the immortal words, ‘Your equipment failed in Derby!’ His brusque certainty silenced her – though she doubted it had failed.

So what should you say when you’re attacked?

James suggests: ‘That’s a really interesting statement. Can I ask what led you to that view?’

The insecure male believes that his voice is sufficient evidence. So we have to stop it in a non-threatening way.

Your response conveys, ‘I’m interested, not offended or belittled’. It wrong-foots him. You’re smiling. And he has to answer the question.

He might blurt, ‘Mark told me.’ You say, ‘OK. Is Mark always accurate? Because I fundamentally disagree with him, but I could be wrong.’ That you’re fine with being wrong shows confidence and permits him to be wrong without stigma.

He’ll go ‘Well, Mark’s usually pretty good.’ Everyone has a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Imagine you had a French employee and needed to explain a critical point. If you were fluent in French, you’d speak French. Likewise, learn to speak ‘Rob’ or ‘Dave’.

One of James’s clients clashed with Rob, who she met for a weekly report. She liked social niceties. His manner was brutally direct.

James advised: ‘Walk in and say, “Right, I have four things to talk about, one, two, three and four – which do you want first?”’ Rude? No, he’ll feel relieved.

‘He’ll say, “One.” You say, “Here’s the report, bang, bang, bang. Which next?” Finally, ask, “Is there anything else you want to speak about?” If “No”, you say, “Thank you” and leave.’

Postscript – Rob recommended her for a company award.

Say: ‘Damien, can I just say, one thing I appreciate about you is that whenever I come to talk to you about something important to me, you always listen. I value that.’

‘Women think, “He’s got to know that statement’s untrue”,’ James says. ‘He won’t. The insecure male ego goes, “Really? I didn’t think I did listen, but you’re telling me I do, and you appreciate it, which makes me feel good.”

‘He wants to feel good about himself. Then he thinks, “Huh. I must be.” So the next time you approach, he thinks, “Wait, I’m a really good listener! Yes, absolutely, what is it?”’ It might sound mad, but try it!’

James says: ‘I witness so many brilliant women start with a caveat to limit the risk to themselves in a male environment. “It’s not really my thing but…” or “I’m sorry but could I…” – they undermine themselves.’

Or they nervously giggle. Don’t giggle. Ever. However, ‘sorry’ can be strategic.

Say: ‘John, apologies for interrupting you. I have a question.’ Not, ‘I’m sorry, but I have a question.’

‘Never apologise for yourself,’ says James. ‘Your question or thought is your brain working. It’s what you’re there for.’