My husband had an affair when I became the breadwinner: I’d always supported him when he earned more than me. Then he was made redundant

Walking into the house after a long day at work, I looked forward to hearing what my children had done at school.

Arriving just as the children, then aged five and six, were getting ready for bed, those precious minutes were the highlight of my day.

Until a month before I had been working part-time as a dietitian so, apart from school hours, I was always with my son and daughter and made sure to prioritise them.

Even if I was cooking or doing another task, they’d be with me, chatting or drawing. They had as much of my attention as I could give them – and I loved it.

But I had returned to work full-time, as a sales training manager in the pharmaceutical industry, after my husband was made redundant from his job in advertising recruitment for the second time.

We needed my new salary to stay afloat and I was happy to do whatever was best for the family.

Yet now, all too often I came home to discover the children had been playing by themselves or watching TV while my husband was at his computer.

I found it infuriating. If I could put them first when at home, why couldn’t he?

Research shows couples are two to three times more likely to get divorced if the woman is the breadwinner but I never thought it would happen to us.

After meeting on holiday we’d been friends for a while before we got together, marrying after three years and having our first child two years later. Until our jobs role reversal eight years into our marriage we’d always worked so well as a team and people often commented that we were the perfect couple.

When we’d cook together, we both knew what the other one was going to do next and what ingredient they would want. And we had always split the chores, including the cleaning and washing, between us. He was never the type to go out to work all week and assume that I would take care of everything at home.

So when we ‘swapped’ roles after his redundancy – him becoming the stay-at-home dad, me going back to full-time work – the agreement, or so I thought, was that he would be available in the afternoons to spend time with them as I had.

Except what I hadn’t anticipated was how differently we approached that responsibility – or how losing his role as the family provider would affect him.

When Helen Bligh’s husband was made redundant for the second time, they swapped roles – she went back to work and was the breadwinner while he became a stay-at-home dad

Helen and her ex-husband on their wedding day. Couples are two to three times more likely to get divorced if the woman is the breadwinner

It was as if without work, he no longer felt important. I did understand that – but he was doing an important job at home, too.

It also felt like there was a double standard. Being a hands-on parent was good enough for me, but apparently not for him.

Unlike me, he wasn’t content with the part-time work I found for him in a friend of mine’s landscaping business. Wanting more, he set up his own gardening enterprise.

The idea in itself was commendable, but what made me feel tense was how building up this business ended up being prioritised over taking care of the children.

Instead of spending time directly with them, he was on the phone making appointments, or on the computer updating his accounts.

If I said something about him ignoring them, he’d insist it was a one-off… but then I would come home early again and see the same thing.

Every time I tried to address it with him, he’d brush it off and insist that he was there and the children were safe, so what did it matter?

Looking back, I can see the role reversal must have been difficult for him.

He grew up in a time where a man’s identity was deeply intertwined with his work – his dad had been the main provider, and that’s what he thought he’d be, too.

But I just couldn’t understand how booking appointments was more important than being present with the children, especially as those years when they want to spend time with you don’t last for ever.

I found myself regularly bristling but he didn’t see a problem.

I hated conflict, and didn’t want to argue, so we carried on like this for a while: me feeling annoyed, and him oblivious.

But it wasn’t a healthy dynamic and eventually things came to a head about three years after I began working full-time again.

During this period I was also made redundant, and ended up working in three different roles at three different companies in order to maintain my position as the breadwinner and protect our finances, so there was a lot of pressure on me, too.

I had never had a reason to doubt my husband’s fidelity before, but I started noticing that he rarely put his phone down, deleted every message that came in and became more withdrawn.

He would receive phone calls on weekends from a woman he worked with at the landscaping business, and when I asked why, he said he was just supporting her through a bad time. Or he’d say it was just work related. The vagueness was definitely disturbing.

One morning, he uncharacteristically left his phone in the bedroom, and I had a look at it.

I knew that if there was nothing going on, I could lose his trust – but at that point, he was losing mine.

Sure enough, there was a message from the woman. Let’s just say it was not a work-related message, and was graphic enough that I knew exactly what was going on.

I tried to confront him. When he said nothing, I suggested he should go and stay with his mum for a bit. He dutifully packed a bag and left.

I thought it would be temporary and we’d sort things out, but when his mum came to visit us soon afterwards, she let slip that he wasn’t actually there.

I knew exactly where he was – with the woman from work – and it was clear I couldn’t trust him and our marriage was dead. I asked for a divorce.

While we are on good terms now, to begin with it was tough.

I stayed in the house with the children and continued working full time. They split their time between the two of us.

With hindsight, I have been able to diagnose where the problems came from in my marriage – primarily our lack of communication when it came to the serious stuff, says Helen

Then it was my turn to be made redundant, yet again.

Dealing with so much, even though I had worked as a dietitian I just couldn’t find the will to eat well.

I would pour myself a glass of wine and, too tired to cook, would snack on things that would end up being more calorific than a proper meal. Previously fit and healthy, I put on a lot of weight, which left me feeling like a version of myself I had never planned to be.

Today, my ex is now married to the woman from work, and I’ve moved past feeling the urge to cut the brake cables on his car. He even came round recently to help me with some repairs.

I see now that we always had different interests, and for all we appeared the perfect couple we were probably drawn together more by physical attraction than common ground.

With the wisdom of hindsight, I have been able to diagnose where the problems came from in my marriage – primarily our lack of communication when it came to the serious stuff.

I was so keen to avoid conflict that I’d stay silent rather than address issues he didn’t want to talk about.

Now I’m better at starting difficult conversations, instead of letting things fester.

If I’d had the ability to open up a dialogue with my ex that wouldn’t have made him feel judged, perhaps things may have ended differently.

And perhaps I was naive to have such high expectations of our role reversal without having discussed it first.

But looking back, I don’t think it was unfair that I had those expectations. For me, parenting is an intentional rather than a passive process. It’s not comparable with how to stack the dishwasher or tidy a house – all things I acknowledge that my ex was always great at.

To this day, we still parent very differently, and I have now come to accept that.

Over a decade on from my divorce, I have a whole new life. I’ve not had a partner for a few years but, to be honest, someone would have to be very special to be part of my life now.

I’ve started my own coaching business specifically for women on GLP-1 weight loss medicines, which helped me lose the three and half stone I put on in the aftermath of the break up.

The children are amazing young adults, and the pain and stress of our divorce feels like a distant memory.

But I hope my story resonates with other couples who end up changing the roles they play in their family, and inspires them to think about what issues it could cause – and, crucially, have the conversations we didn’t, before it’s too late.

Helen Bligh is the author of It Was Never About Willpower: The Woman’s Guide to GLP-1 Weight Loss (helenblighcoaching.co.uk)