If We Classified Cars By Vibes Instead Of Size, What Would The Categories Be?

Menu Home » If We Classified Cars By Vibes Instead Of Size, What Would The Categories Be? If We Classified Cars By Vibes Instead Of Size, What Would The Categories Be? By The Bishop October 12, 2026 9:03 am 60 Comments The other day on Autopian Slack, the subject of vehicle categories came up, or at least what the EPA or NHTSA determines to be “size.” You know, the “full-sized” or  “mid-sized” versus “compact” classifications for buyers to use and “cross-shop” vehicles of the same “category.” These government organizations, I assume, fill cars with ping-pong balls or something and tell you how big the thing is based on interior space.

There was a disagreement amongst us as to whether the current Civic was a “compact” or “mid-sized,” which to a person of my advanced age was a bit of a joke. Seriously, to me a rear-drive B-Platform Caprice is “full-sized,” something like a Camry (or the Australian Caprice) is barely a mid-sizer, and anything smaller is a compact at best. I’m so sick of asking for a “full size” at Enterprise and getting a Jetta or some such tin can. This is America, dammit!

Regardless, one of our newer contributors chimed in with his own opinion on categories:

Wow, this guy is a genius (actually, his education and credentials prove this out, but the fact that he can play dumb- ass Slack games is more indicative of his genius). This type of “vibes” categorization is exactly what we need today; a way to let us make a choice based on how a car will make us feel or, more importantly, what sort of aura it will give off to people that see us driving it.

A set of “vibe” categories makes far more sense than some stupid size parameters. Seriously, in the late eighties the spacious Saab 9000 was classified by the EPA as a full-sized car; the other cars in its category were all American land yachts like a Panther-chassis Ford Crown Vic. Forget what the EPA says; those cars are cheese and chalk; a Saab and a Vicky don’t belong in the same category of anything.

No, the big Ford fits in the Church Bingo Parking Lot Vibe class with vehicles such as 3800 V6-powered Buicks; reliable-as-death-and-taxes old school domestic iron. These are cars driven to “early bird specials” and to urologist appointments an hour early “in case there’s traffic” at 11 AM. The Saab, on the other hand, is squarely in Eames Chair Owner Vibe territory with a U.S.-spec Peugeot 505 or Alfa 164; a car which says that you’re going to a Vietnamese restaurant tonight on the way to some art house film festival or gallery opening.

What “vibe” category cars do I purchase? I almost always become the second owner of five-to-seven-year-old European or Japanese “brand name” cars like a Mercedes W126 sedan, Lexus SUVs or the BMW wagon that I have since sold onto Mercedes Streeter (below).

These rides of mine sadly fit into the category of WASP Mom Vibe; something a rather snotty textbook-Karen dentist’s wife might drive. I can say for a fact that someone similar to the woman below was the original owner of each and every one of my cars:

I don’t want to select a car based on some “interior volume” stats, which are often misleading, as much as I want to choose a vehicle for lifestyle purposes. Let’s say I want a car to make me attractive to a bookish, rather sarcastic Winona Ryder-in-Reality Bites type (I mean, who wouldn’t want such a lady?). That would require a Boulder Used Bookstore Vibe category automobile such as a Subaru Crosstrek in that weird grey/blue/green color, an older Outback, a faded-paint FJ80 Land Cruiser or, better yet, a rare diesel-powered Volvo 2-series wagon with a big dent in the tailgate.

See how this works? Useful, categories for car shopping, right? How about some vibe categories from you? Speaking of that, what vibe category would a Pontiac Vibe be in, anyway?

I’m thinking two ways, maybe they can be combined?

Family system Dad cars; Mom cars; Son cars; Daughter cars. (possibly with stage-of-life sub-identifiers)

College major system Frat; Sorrority; engineering/design school; MFA; MBA; etc.

I’ve always had 25 year old pickup trucks and Scouts, but I’m single and dropped out of three colleges.

0 Will Packer 33 minutes ago Desperate Uber Driver Vibes – Nissan Altima

I had a rental Altima, twice. Absolute penalty box cars. One morning I walked up to the wrong red car in the parking lot and wondered why it wouldn’t open. The other time, I regularly bumped my head on the raked windshield A-pillar just trying to get in and out.

0 Member Mike F. 47 minutes ago Supercars/”hypercars”/very high end Porsches: “Rich guy who isn’t nearly the driver he thinks he is”

Rolls Royce/Bentley: “Yes, actually really really rich”

~75% of everything on the road: “Appliance”

0 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Sinister vibe – any old hearse, ambulance, slab sided Lincoln, fuselage era Imperial. You just know this fella is up to no good and is the villian in some ’70s action/police film.

1 Member Jack Trade 33 minutes ago Reply to  Tbird Also encompasses dark-colored Mercedes G-wagens for that nihilistic Eastern European criminal mojo.

1 Member Tbird 8 minutes ago Reply to  Jack Trade Yeah – maybe the most modern. Also black Range Rovers, Chargers and 300C’s.

Criminals once had much better car choices.

0 Hoser68 1 hour ago As for Car size categories, it’s interesting to see how it varies.

C sized (Corolla as an example) is a Medium in Europe and a Compact in the US. D sized (Camry would be a D) is a Large in Europe and a Mid-sized in the US E sized (5 series) is an Executive in Europe and Full Sized in the US F sized (S class) is a Luxury in Europe and Full Sized Luxury in the US.

If you ever travel overseas, it’s worth looking up the size categories. You might think “a Mid-sized, so a Camry or Accord.” and end up with a Golf or Corolla.

0 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Reply to  Hoser68 Well all US categories have grown: a modern Civic/Corolla is larger than a ’90s Camry/Accord which have grown to near ’90s Full Size BOF proportions. A Fit was bigger than a ’70s Civic.

1 Member Jack Trade 25 minutes ago Reply to  Tbird It always cracked me up when my parents would refer to my Focus as “the little car.” I got her as a practical alternative to my coupe, so I could carry stuff and/or people and it always seemed at least mid-sized to me.

0 Member Tbird 6 minutes ago Reply to  Jack Trade A Euro Ka is likely the same size as the preceeding US Escort.

0 Member Canopysaurus 1 hour ago Ram pickup: wifebeater

3 Member Burt Curry 1 hour ago I think I’d put my TR6 in the Sporty Spartan category.

0 Member Manwich Sandwich 1 hour ago Here is my partial car vibe list:

Prius/C-Max – “Green and Cheap” Teslas – “Green and Douchy” Lifted trucks with low profile tires or Wranglers with ‘angry’ grills – “Douch Bro” Honda Fit, Toyota Yaris and similar simple/small/cheap cars – “Unpretentious” Low end Euro luxury cars from Audi, BMW and Mercedies – “Pretentious” Ford Ecosport – “Idiot” Camaro/Firebird – “Mullet” Mid sized CUV – “Bland” Minivan – “Practical” Ford Panther cars – “Old”

1 Member Mike F. 54 minutes ago Reply to  Manwich Sandwich Cybertruck is an obvious addition to Douche Bro.

1 Member Manwich Sandwich 50 minutes ago Reply to  Mike F. You’d think, but around me though, the few Cybertrucks I do see don’t seem to be owned by people in the Douch Bro crowd.

I think they fall into the “green and douchy” category like other Teslas.

0 I Farted So Hard it Hurts 1 hour ago My grandparents owned a LTD Crown Vic like the one above. I was a wee lad of 16 and was thus ignorant about cars. Grandad asked me to go fill up the car one day. I assumed that since it was a giant dopey looking car I’d need to floor it to get up to speed entering the freeway. That thing hauled ass!

1 Member G. K. 1 hour ago For the Caprice…Whale. That’s al I’ve got.

2 Member Grayvee280 1 hour ago 1.) Those with lower steering column mounted air vents for the boys. 2.) Those without.

5 Member G. K. 1 hour ago Reply to  Grayvee280 Haha, the Land Rover LR4/Discovery 4 had an under-steering-column vent right up until its discontinuation in 2016. My 2015 one had it.

0 Member Bill C 1 hour ago That Caprice and cars like the “Fuselage” Mopars bring “girthy” to mind.

1 Andrea Petersen 2 hours ago I’d say vibe classification is reasonable, particularly for trucks. For example, there’s “actually doing something on a job site,” “foreman on a job site,” and “cosplaying as a foreman on a job site, but actually in marketing.” Personally, I go for “entertaining and mostly harmless but surprisingly capable weirdo” vibes. Like Eames Chair vibes on a budget

1 *Jason* 1 hour ago Reply to  Andrea Petersen I don’t know. There is a lot of construction going on in my city and looking at the parking lots there must only be 1% of the workers “actually doing something on a job site” if I go by the vehicles in the lot.

The vehicle of choice seems to be F-350 lifted so that the bed is at chest level.

(There are about a half dozen data centers, a factory, and a 750,000 sq ft logistics center being built in our north industrial park. That means thousands of workers and the city required them to build temporary raised gravel parking lots before construction started.)

1 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Reply to  Andrea Petersen “Entertaining and mostly harmless but surprisingly capable weirdo” honestly describes the Pontiac Vibe and Toyota Prius.

0 JayJay 2 hours ago Don’t put things into boxes, just drive and have fun!

There are infinite categories. Or maybe there are just two.. Fun and Not fun.

1 Member Andy Farrell 28 minutes ago Reply to  JayJay Not putting these ping pong balls into boxes is going to make them very hard to load and unload, though.

0 Member 10001010 2 hours ago My preference is “Fun but practical”

1 4jim 2 hours ago I would suggest 2 vibe categories:

Let your imagination fill in the makes and models.

4 Phil Mills 2 hours ago There’s really only one answer to a car that could COMPLETELY be classified by a vibe:

the VW Rabbit!wink wink, nudge nudge, say no MORE!

3 Member Carbon Fiber Sasquatch 2 hours ago I’ve said before that DnD classes make the most sense. It gives people the right vibes for the car

Artificer – Any vehicle more focused on tech than driving. S-class, 7-series, Lucid

Barbarian – Lifted Pick-up trucks. 

Bard – Used luxury cars or anything “baller on a budget”. 

Cleric – Practical sedans and wagons and EVs. Accord, Camry, Sonata, Tesla

Druid – Subarus and any soft-roader trims. 

Fighter – Pickup trucks, normal and luxury spec. 

Monk – Miata, GR86, Lotus Elise, Porsche Boxster. 

Paladin – Compact or 3 row crossover, just following the crowd. 

Ranger – Wranglers, Broncos, 4-Runners. 

Rogue – Hot Hatches and sport compacts. 

Sorcerer – Astons, Ferrari, Lamborghini, etc. 

Warlock – Muscle cars and sports trucks. 

8 4jim 2 hours ago Reply to  Carbon Fiber Sasquatch LOVE THIS

1 Spikedlemon 2 hours ago Reply to  Carbon Fiber Sasquatch Don’t you sully Clerics with Tesla.

3 Member Carbon Fiber Sasquatch 1 hour ago Reply to  Spikedlemon Hey, they can follow any deity they want lol

0 Member StillNotATony 1 hour ago Reply to  Spikedlemon Clerics can be chaotic evil…

5 Member Lori Hille 2 hours ago Reply to  Carbon Fiber Sasquatch Those would make great model names as well… GMC Barbarian, Dodge Warlock Hellcat… a couple of those names have already been taken.

1 Member Melanie Fuhrman 1 hour ago Reply to  Carbon Fiber Sasquatch This is an amazing answer!

2 Hoser68 1 hour ago Reply to  Carbon Fiber Sasquatch Mom that brings snacks during breaks – Minivan

1 Member Bleeder 17 minutes ago Reply to  Hoser68 Hotpockets!

0 Member Lori Hille 2 hours ago Pontiac Vibe: cockroach apocalypse survivor. They just don’t die.

2 Spikedlemon 2 hours ago Reply to  Lori Hille Add Matrix, Corolla, 90s-00s Camrys, and RAV4 to that column.

0 Member Lori Hille 2 hours ago Reply to  Spikedlemon And any pick up truck driven by a gardener

1 Member Jack Trade 2 hours ago My (unironic) favorite has to be “sport-inspired.”

A big 3 mainstay in the 80s and 90s (oh I miss Pontiac), it comprises everyday stuff that boasts, however tortured a claim, hardware that actual performance vehicles have.

Sure, it leads to things like the sedan spoiler craze of the 00s, but I really do appreciate the attempt to make humdrum products into something at least a little fun instead of just a penalty box.

1 Elhigh 2 hours ago Broke/Student MaxiMom Hipster Pretend Rich Actual Rich Me First, Me Only, Me All The Time Fuck I’m Angry Work Play I Just Want To Get There

4 Spikedlemon 2 hours ago Reply to  Elhigh I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of crossover between “me, me, me”, “angry”, and “pretend rich”

2 Elhigh 2 hours ago Reply to  Spikedlemon It’s nuanced all right.

1 I Farted So Hard it Hurts 1 hour ago Reply to  Elhigh I feel that most of the full sized trucks now all look like they are angry so they probably slot neatly with that one.

1 Member Manwich Sandwich 1 hour ago Reply to  Elhigh “Fuck I’m Angry”

That would be ‘angry face’ Wranglers and lifted full size pickup trucks with LED light bars.

Owners of low end FWD-based vehicles from BMW, Mercedes and Audi.

Toyota Corolla, Camry, RAV4, Prius, Highlander.

0 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Reply to  Elhigh Actual Rich may need a sub category for Old Money – you know it when you see it.

0 Member James McHenry 2 hours ago I think the new Jaguar 01 has “I come from Crewe” vibes. Not in the same way William Stanier’s designs do, mind, as it’s kinda hard for an EV to have a Belpaire Firebox, but in that Rolls-Royce/Bentley way. It’s probably the square grille in the front.

Vibes is also something I consider when modifying a car in FH6. “What does this want to be? Rally car? Off-road racer? Meme-mobile? Top-class GT1 thing? Hotboi Drift machine? Let’s find out…”

0 Anonymous Person 2 hours ago “If We Classified Cars By Vibes Instead Of Size, What Would The Categories Be?” I guess it would depend if the wheels, driveshafts, or axle shafts were out of balance.

3 Elhigh 2 hours ago Reply to  Anonymous Person So that class would be Bad Dragon

1 Anonymous Person 44 minutes ago Reply to  Elhigh I don’t get it.

I was classifying by vibrations, since the only automotive Vibe I know was made by Pontiac and that’s in a whole classification by itself.

0 Member Carbon Fiber Sasquatch 40 minutes ago Reply to  Elhigh This is a DEEP joke

0 *Jason* 2 hours ago EPA size classes show just how space inefficient those old full-size BoF cars were.

1 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Reply to  *Jason* Park my ’14 Camry next to a Grand Marquis and see…

0 *Jason* 1 hour ago Reply to  Tbird See what? A Camry is a mid-size car. They haven’t followed Honda in the trend to increase a car’s size every generation.

1 Member Tbird 1 hour ago Reply to  *Jason* There was honestly as much usable interior space for 4 in my Camry as Dad’s old Grand Marquis, particularly rear legroom. The trunk was smaller, yes. Very effiecient packaging. And yes, I still have a weakness for old land yachts.

0 *Jason* 57 minutes ago Reply to  Tbird That doesn’t surprise me. The Grand Marquis got a lot of interior volume from width which allowed that 3 across bench seating which almost nobody acutally used.

My parents surprised me in the early 00’s when they said they had decided to buy a fuel efficient car – a Grand Marquis. We had a generationally different ideas of what made a car fuel efficient but I guess for someone that grew up driving 50’s cars and had only owned BoF cars, trucks, and vans over the decades a car rated at low 20’s on the highway was fuel efficient.

Later they got rid of that Grand Marquis and bought a new 2010 Priu with the cash for clunkers program*. The Prius was recently replaced with a RAV4 hybrid. Those cars have completely recalibrated my father’s idea of fuel efficient.

(*They traded a rusty E150 van with more than 300K miles for the cash for clunkers program)

0 Member Old McDonald 43 minutes ago Reply to  *Jason* Wow! My 2009 Honda Fit has 111 cu ft of interior volume, and 20.6 cu ft of cargo space.

0 4jim 3 minutes ago Reply to  *Jason* The space was a bit more squared off in those old cars. There was a reason teens use to measure the trunks in “bodies” space.