My wife stayed home with the kids while I got up every day for 40 years to make a living. Does she really deserve half of my retirement income?

0Married men far outearn any other group. While the gender wage gap and pay discrimination help explain why married men have higher incomes than single or married women, the explanation for why married men do better than single men may come down to the fact that their wives often carry the mental load of managing a home and are typically the primary parent.

Ideally, men recognize these advantages and try to ensure equality at home. In the real world, however, this may not necessarily happen.

A single line on your car insurance policy could be inflating your premium by up to 30% — here's what to change

Dave Ramsey warns nearly 50% of Americans are making 1 big Social Security mistake. Here’s what it is and 3 simple steps to fix it ASAP

Jeff Bezos backs a platform that lets anyone invest in rental homes for as little as $100 — 6 ways to build wealth like a landlord without actually being one

Say, for example, that James and Susanne have been married for 40 years. They decided Susanne would stay home with their three kids but, once their youngest turned 16, James wanted Susanne to go back to work, and she refused.

Now he’s ready to retire with $2.4 million saved, and Susanne wants to split that money evenly. They aren’t getting divorced (at least not now), but she wants her fair share and some autonomy in what she does with it.

James, however, is mad that she’s gone so many years without a job. He thinks he should keep all the funds and decide how they’re used since he worked so hard. But is this fair?

While James may see the problem as Susanne’s demand for half the money, therapists warn this issue runs far deeper than a conflict over what to do with their retirement cash.

“When I hear of a couple who built their life around one partner working while the other stayed home, the fact that they now see that history so differently tells me that they don’t share the same values around it,” Jonathan Van Viegen, a couples therapist, told Moneywise. “And to me, that’s a pretty good sign that somewhere along the way, they’ve stopped liking one another.”

Dr. David Simonsen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CEO of Creative Solutions Counseling, agreed, telling Moneywise, “If this is how the husband and wife feel, there are some serious problems in the relationship not related to the money. Of course the money would be shared. The wife did all the work of staying home and raising the kids. I would question why it’s being viewed this way.”

Unfortunately, this conflict is likely a major obstacle to the couple moving forward together into retirement. As Stephanie Flood, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Flood of Love, told Moneywise, “The particularly concerning phrase is ‘I don’t want to give her half to use as she pleases.’”

Flood explained that “in marriage, money can easily become a proxy for power. If retirement assets belong equally to both spouses, one spouse doesn’t get to remain the gatekeeper of how the other adult uses their share simply because they were the primary wage earner.”

If Susanne and James want to stay married, Flood recommends that they “stop treating this as simply a disagreement about money,” and acknowledge each other’s perspectives. Susanne may need to recognize the perspective James has on her refusal to return to work and the resentment he has about carrying the economic burden. He must acknowledge her contributions and the fact that their joint decision for her to stay home initially affected her earning power and retirement savings.

Van Viegen also stressed that they must show they truly value each other’s contributions to find a way to like each other again. “Until they can appreciate what the other person believes they contributed to the marriage, arguing over percentages is just another form of scorekeeping,” he said.

Read More: Here’s the average income of Americans by age in 2026. Are you keeping up or falling behind?

Whether the couple stays married or not, the law says Susanne absolutely has a right to her share of the retirement money because the law recognizes and values the contributions she made, even if James may not be giving her the credit she deserves. Her contributions have real value, with older estimates putting a stay-at-home mom’s salary at over $100K per year.

“Retirement savings built during a marriage are generally considered marital property, no matter whose name is on the account or who earned the paycheck. Courts across the country recognize that a spouse who stayed home to raise children made it possible for the other spouse to earn and save,” Kristyn Carmichael, an attorney, divorce mediator, and certified divorce financial analyst, told Moneywise.

Carmichael explained that how the money is divided depends on where the couple lives.

“In the nine community property states, including California, Texas and Arizona, marital retirement savings are typically split 50/50. Most other states use ‘equitable distribution,’ which means fair rather than automatically equal. But after a 40-year marriage with one spouse at home by mutual agreement, a fair division very often lands at or near half,” Carmichael said.

She also said that James’ wish that Susanne had gone back to work typically won’t reduce her share of the funds. “Property division looks at what the couple built together, not at second-guessing each other’s choices.”

If James can recognize that Susanne earned that retirement money too, the couple may have a chance at moving forward. If he can’t, then he’s probably going to lose both half of his retirement funds and his wife.

Your Social Security ‘Trump Bump’ in 2027 will be one of the biggest in 25 years — but there’s a serious catch no one’s talking about

Dave Ramsey says this 1 indulgent purchase stops Americans from becoming wealthy. Here’s what he recommends instead

The tax breaks in Trump's 'big beautiful bill' expire after 2028. Here are 4 moves to make before the window closes

Your cash is rotting in a regular savings account. Here are 4 simple ways to grow your money (and no, you don't have to touch the stock market)

This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.