More Adults Are Cutting Off Family. Expert Reveals Surprising Consequences

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It’s reported that more than one in four American adults are estranged from at least one family member, according to research from Karl Pillemer's Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project. In his 2020 book Fault Lines, Pillemer reported that 27 percent of U.S. adults, or roughly 67 million people, were estranged from a relative. We’ve seen estrangement play out publicly among some of the world’s most famous families. Hilary Duff admitted on a podcast that she and her sister “don’t speak.” Prince Harry's highly publicized rift with the Royal Family has caused controversy for years. Most recently, Brooklyn Peltz Beckham revealed years of personal conflict with his parents, David and Victoria Beckham, in an Instagram statement. Why Family Estrangement Is Becoming More Common While stepping away from harmful relationships can be necessary in some cases, some researchers and psychologists are becoming concerned that estrangement is increasingly being viewed as a first response to family conflict rather than a last resort. Among them is Richard L. Blake, a psychology Ph.D. and author of the upcoming book Cut Off: Understanding Family Estrangement. Blake (@the_breath_geek on Instagram) believes the conversation around family estrangement has shifted dramatically in recent years, particularly on social media, where posts about "toxic" family members, trauma and going "no contact" have become increasingly common. “One of the main myths you hear is you need to cut off toxic family members to protect your mental health,” Blake told Newsweek. According to Blake, studies examining the consequences of estrangement have produced more nuanced findings than many people might expect. "What surprised me was that the assumption that parents are causing someone's mental illness doesn't seem to hold up particularly well when it's tested in people who actually go no contact," Blake said. The Rise of the "No Contact" Movement While researchers disagree on how common estrangement is and definitions vary, Blake said multiple indicators point to a substantial rise in public interest over the past 20 years. For example, Google Trends data show searches for terms such as "family estrangement" and "parental estrangement" have increased dramatically since 2004. Blake argues that part of the shift reflects broader cultural changes. “In the past, it was like, family are forever,” he said. “There's nothing a family member can do to make you cut them off. Now, younger people view family relationships as something that must be continually earned.” Blake believes social media and what he describes as "therapy culture" have contributed to that change. Discussions of boundaries, trauma and emotional safety can be valuable, he said, but may sometimes encourage people to interpret ordinary family conflict through a more clinical lens. Not everyone agrees with that assessment. Many therapists and mental health experts argue that estrangement can be a necessary response to abuse, neglect or ongoing harmful behavior. When Estrangement Is Necessary—and When Reconciliation May Still Be Possible Blake emphasized that some family separations are entirely justified and may be critical for a person's well-being. "People justifiably should be cut off," he said. "[Those] who are abusive, criminal or genuinely dangerous." The challenge lies in distinguishing those situations from the normal disappointments, disagreements and mistakes that occur in most families. Blake said one common mistake parents make when trying to repair an estranged relationship is repeatedly arguing over who remembers past events correctly. "When you tell someone, 'That's not what happened,' or 'You're remembering it wrong,' you're not just challenging their memory, you're challenging a story that may have become central to how they understand themselves and their experiences," he said. Instead, he suggested reconciliation often works better when family members focus on understanding each other's perspectives rather than convincing the other person their recollection is inaccurate. Despite the pain associated with estrangement, he points to research suggesting reconciliation is often possible. Some studies indicate that many estrangements eventually end, although relationships may cycle through periods of separation and reunification. For families hoping to reconnect, Blake recommends listening before defending. "When people feel heard and understood, even when you disagree with their interpretation of events, that's often where healing begins," he said. Blake encourages family members to give estranged relatives space to explain their perspective without interruption or attempts to correct them. Acknowledging their feelings and asking open-ended questions such as, "Is there more?" can help ensure they feel fully heard before the other person responds. While he said this approach can be especially helpful when navigating family estrangement, he believes the same principle can strengthen any relationship facing unresolved conflict. "It's an incredible thing to do in a relationship when there's conflict that you can't seem to get past," he said. Contact Newsweek editors on this story: Kara Dolman and Sam Wilson.10Loading video…By Daniella GrayReporter

0ShareNewsweek is a Trust Project memberSee more of our trusted coverage when you search.Prefer Newsweek on Googleto see more of our trusted coverage when you search.Whether it’s a friend who no longer speaks to their parents, a relative who has cut ties with a sibling or another social media post about going “no contact,” family estrangement is no longer a topic discussed behind closed doors.

It’s reported that more than one in four American adults are estranged from at least one family member, according to research from Karl Pillemer’s Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project.

In his 2020 book Fault Lines, Pillemer reported that 27 percent of U.S. adults, or roughly 67 million people, were estranged from a relative.

We’ve seen estrangement play out publicly among some of the world’s most famous families.

Hilary Duff admitted on a podcast that she and her sister “don’t speak.” Prince Harry’s highly publicized rift with the Royal Family has caused controversy for years. Most recently, Brooklyn Peltz Beckham revealed years of personal conflict with his parents, David and Victoria Beckham, in an Instagram statement.

While stepping away from harmful relationships can be necessary in some cases, some researchers and psychologists are becoming concerned that estrangement is increasingly being viewed as a first response to family conflict rather than a last resort.

Among them is Richard L. Blake, a psychology Ph.D. and author of the upcoming book Cut Off: Understanding Family Estrangement.

Blake (@the_breath_geek on Instagram) believes the conversation around family estrangement has shifted dramatically in recent years, particularly on social media, where posts about “toxic” family members, trauma and going “no contact” have become increasingly common.

“One of the main myths you hear is you need to cut off toxic family members to protect your mental health,” Blake told Newsweek.

According to Blake, studies examining the consequences of estrangement have produced more nuanced findings than many people might expect.

“What surprised me was that the assumption that parents are causing someone’s mental illness doesn’t seem to hold up particularly well when it’s tested in people who actually go no contact,” Blake said.

While researchers disagree on how common estrangement is and definitions vary, Blake said multiple indicators point to a substantial rise in public interest over the past 20 years.

For example, Google Trends data show searches for terms such as “family estrangement” and “parental estrangement” have increased dramatically since 2004.

Blake argues that part of the shift reflects broader cultural changes.

“In the past, it was like, family are forever,” he said. “There’s nothing a family member can do to make you cut them off. Now, younger people view family relationships as something that must be continually earned.”

Blake believes social media and what he describes as “therapy culture” have contributed to that change. Discussions of boundaries, trauma and emotional safety can be valuable, he said, but may sometimes encourage people to interpret ordinary family conflict through a more clinical lens.

Not everyone agrees with that assessment. Many therapists and mental health experts argue that estrangement can be a necessary response to abuse, neglect or ongoing harmful behavior.

Related StoryBoys Will Be Boys. But Why Must Girls Put Up With It for Life?When Estrangement Is Necessary—and When Reconciliation May Still Be Possible Blake emphasized that some family separations are entirely justified and may be critical for a person’s well-being.

“People justifiably should be cut off,” he said. “[Those] who are abusive, criminal or genuinely dangerous.”

The challenge lies in distinguishing those situations from the normal disappointments, disagreements and mistakes that occur in most families.

Blake said one common mistake parents make when trying to repair an estranged relationship is repeatedly arguing over who remembers past events correctly.

“When you tell someone, ‘That’s not what happened,’ or ‘You’re remembering it wrong,’ you’re not just challenging their memory, you’re challenging a story that may have become central to how they understand themselves and their experiences,” he said.

Instead, he suggested reconciliation often works better when family members focus on understanding each other’s perspectives rather than convincing the other person their recollection is inaccurate.

Despite the pain associated with estrangement, he points to research suggesting reconciliation is often possible.

Some studies indicate that many estrangements eventually end, although relationships may cycle through periods of separation and reunification.

For families hoping to reconnect, Blake recommends listening before defending.

“When people feel heard and understood, even when you disagree with their interpretation of events, that’s often where healing begins,” he said.

Blake encourages family members to give estranged relatives space to explain their perspective without interruption or attempts to correct them. Acknowledging their feelings and asking open-ended questions such as, “Is there more?” can help ensure they feel fully heard before the other person responds.

While he said this approach can be especially helpful when navigating family estrangement, he believes the same principle can strengthen any relationship facing unresolved conflict.

“It’s an incredible thing to do in a relationship when there’s conflict that you can’t seem to get past,” he said.

Contact Newsweek editors on this story: Kara Dolman and Sam Wilson.