11 questions to ask yourself before going no contact with a family member

Illustration: Pete Gamlen/The GuardianView image in fullscreen Illustration: Pete Gamlen/The Guardian11 questions to ask yourself before going no contact with a family memberIn the UK, one in five families are affected by permanent estrangement – it’s not a decision to be taken lightly. These are the questions experts suggest you ask yourself before cutting a relative out of your life

Am I avoiding difficult feelings?It’s important to be certain you aren’t walking away because it feels more manageable than addressing challenging issues. “Sometimes estrangement is exactly what’s needed for safety and healing. Other times it functions as an attempt to avoid grief, conflict, disappointment or the painful acceptance that a parent cannot become the person one longs for,” says Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist and the author of Rules of Estrangement. “Distance alone doesn’t resolve those emotions.”

Fern Schumer Chapman, the author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, says people can become estranged due to poor communication skills, learned through family dynamics: “When parents are unable to express feelings and negotiate differences, they don’t model the necessary skills – listening, apologising, cooling off. As a result, small disagreements can explode into nasty rifts. Those with poor communication skills may handle stress by simply shutting down and cutting off.”

Ultimately, though, says Terri Apter, a psychologist and the author of Grandparenting, “people who decide to be estranged make the decision that the extent of discomfort from contact is unbearable”.

This is about double-checking your expectations. “One of the hardest psychological tasks is distinguishing between what someone should be and what they’re capable of being,” says Coleman. “Many adults understandably long for parents who can become emotionally attuned, validating or apologetic. The healthiest outcome isn’t always getting the relationship you wanted; sometimes it’s grieving the relationship you never had while deciding what level of contact is sustainable.”

Phil Lane, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist who has been estranged from his father for eight years, adds that it’s “important to consider if the other person is willing and/or able to provide what you need. This is not to suggest that we should cut someone off if they don’t meet our expectations, but rather it can help us determine if our expectations are reasonable and if we, not the other person, need to adjust.”

As Coleman says: “Most families are neither entirely loving nor entirely harmful.” Therefore, it’s useful to take a second look through adult eyes, which allows us to “understand pressures our parents were facing – mental illness, financial hardship, divorce, trauma, cultural expectations – that were invisible to us as children”. Crucially, though, Coleman adds: “Context doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.”

Becca Bland, a researcher and counsellor in estrangement who has been estranged from her parents for 18 years, agrees: “It’s important to appreciate context, but not to explain away harm. Harm is harm. Seeing people in their context doesn’t take away the impact on you.”

Cutting ties can also mean losing other relationships. It’s something Schumer Chapman, who was estranged from her brother for decades, experienced. With the loss of her role as sister, she also lost that of her sister-in-law and aunt, and her children lost their cousins. “I felt like a whole branch of our small family had been sawed off, and all the responsibilities for our parents fell on me,” she says. She describes this estrangement as “a grief state that produces ongoing distress and deep insecurity and longing that can go on for decades”. For Apter, ultimately, “there are always trade-offs. In most cases you decide that you cannot take the pain, humiliation or chaos that comes with the relationship and have to accept the collateral.”

Lane echoes this: “While I stand by my decision, there is grief attached to the fact my son does not have a relationship with his grandfather. Factors like this should be considered deeply.”

View image in fullscreen Illustration: Pete Gamlen/The GuardianAre they rigid in their views?Mismatched values are often a factor in estrangement – families not accepting someone’s religion, sexuality or life partner, for example – and the rigidity of those views matters. “Differences in morals, values and beliefs can be well dealt with in families if everyone is adaptable and respectful. It’s when family members need values reaffirmed rigidly that it all falls apart,” says Bland. Coleman agrees: “If both people can accept differences without constant attempts to convert, shame or control one another, many relationships can adapt. If every interaction becomes psychologically unsafe, greater distance may be healthier.”

Going no contact is a deeply personal decision, so it needs to be one that you make without outside influence. Pressure can come from romantic partners, online communities, friends, siblings, other relatives and therapists, says Coleman, who wants to distinguish between helpful and unhelpful interactions. “Support can be invaluable. Pressure is different,” he says. “The decision should ultimately reflect your own considered judgment.” Specifically, when it comes to social media and “therapy speak”, exercise caution. “Terms such as ‘toxic’, ‘narcissist’, ‘gaslighting’ and ‘boundaries’ can be useful when applied carefully, but social media often rewards certainty over complexity. Good therapy increases curiosity. Poor advice encourages premature certainty,” says Coleman.

Apter warns that “unreliable therapists make judgments about a family member’s personality when they have never met them, which can influence the client’s views”.

This is about feeling sure you have tried everything, so the decision can be as comfortable as possible. It took Lane five years “and much excruciating consideration” to arrive at his choice to estrange. “I felt I had exhausted all options. I was nearly 40, so it was certainly not a youthful or impulsive response. Sometimes it’s important to trust your instincts, even if they are telling you to do something that goes against the grain.”

Bland recommends involving a professional, who “can see a broader picture and help identify blind spots in a less confrontational way. In attempting to repair a relationship, we can get angry with people because they’ve hurt, neglected or harmed us. It helps to include a professional who understands when to say ‘stop’.”

You may be able to heal after some time away. Schumer Chapman finally managed to reconcile with her brother over the course of a year. “We met every week. Sometimes we went for a bike ride to become reacquainted with each other. Sometimes we discussed the estrangement, what had happened and why. Other times we recalled memories and laughed about our childhood, which was bonding.” She says the most important change was the way they communicated: “When we did have disagreements, which are inevitable, we talked our differences out.”

You won’t know if your relative hits hard times, becomes ill or even dies. You will need to consider whether you can live with that level of uncertainty. “Many people imagine estrangement will provide relief. What they’re less prepared for is ambiguous loss – the uncertainty of not knowing whether they will ever reconcile, whether they will hear about illness second-hand, or whether a death will occur before anything is resolved. Those are burdens worth considering,” says Coleman. Bland cautions: “It’s an unresolved attachment, and our brain wants to resolve it. It’s not a case of they’re out of my life, they’re out of my head – they will be in your head more. My research has found that people reconsider their decision almost every couple of days.” Lane, meanwhile, describes this uncertainty as something you ultimately have to “accept as part of the process, with the belief that the larger outcome will be positive and healthy for you”.

This is crucial for you to be able to cope with the emotional after-effects. “I don’t think people can do it without social support, because the sense of isolation is crippling,” says Bland. “It’s about having people around you who understand you’re breaking free of a heavily abusive pattern.” Bland’s other family members were instrumental in her decision and her ability to stick with it: “They gave me validation that my parents weren’t safe, which reinforced I had made the right choice.”

Lane describes the emotional fallout as producing “grief, very similar to that associated with the death of a family member. It’s psychologically unhealthy to go through grief and loss in isolation.” It may also be associated with stigma and shame. Bland describes how she often sees “the perpetrators of abuse getting sympathy from the rest of the family because they present themselves as the victim. People will potentially judge your decision because they don’t understand the relationship you’ve had from the inside.” In those instances, support is critical.

Bland recommends that you “consider what your window of tolerance is. Can you tolerate one meeting in a park every few months? Would that cost you more than having no relationship at all?” She describes it as cost/benefit analysis, but adds: “If people are in a very harmful situation where there’s abuse, I wouldn’t recommend going low contact because that doesn’t help them get out of the cycle.”

Lane has seen “many clients change the nature of a relationship, implement boundaries and recalibrate expectations to improve negative relationships”. Coleman says estrangement “exists on a spectrum”, and that many people could benefit from “limited contact, shorter visits, communicating primarily by text or email, avoiding volatile topics, seeing relatives only in group settings and having clear expectations about frequency and duration of contact. Sometimes these arrangements preserve enough connection while protecting emotional wellbeing.”

Apter adds: “Most people try going low contact before they decide to cut themselves off from a family member, but many discover it is not possible to set boundaries or avoid painful interactions”.

This is potentially the most salient question you can ask. Coleman says: “Estrangement is sometimes the healthiest option, particularly when there is ongoing abuse, coercion or repeated violation of boundaries.” Lane agrees, saying: “If a person consistently causes you to feel unsafe – physically or emotionally – you will live in a persistent state of feeling at risk. Over a long period of time, this can become unsustainable, and removing the abusive or harmful element may be necessary.”