​What To Do When Negotiation Becomes About Self-Identity

This voice experience is generated by AI. Learn more.This voice experience is generated by AI. Learn more.Ken Sterling, Los Angeles Talent Agent & Media Attorney at BigSpeak and Sterling Media Law. USC professor on media and law.

getty​One of the biggest threats to negotiating a successful deal is when the deal feels personal. When the other person (or even you) becomes emotionally invested in a position, it becomes harder to reach an agreement.

People get wrapped up in ego, agenda, saving face and being anchored in their positions. I know this because, guess what, I fall prey to these traps sometimes too.​

But my law school education has helped me to identify issues, test arguments against facts, examine evidence and distinguish a strong position from a weak one. My other studies and research in communication and journalism have helped me understand another perspective: Communication is about what people say as well as how the other person receives it. ​

The same sentence can land completely differently depending on context, relationship, audience, timing and identity. That becomes especially important in difficult conversations. We may intend to say one thing, yet the impact on the receiver can be completely different.​

Imagine I tell you privately in a deal, “I may be looking at this differently. Can we walk through these numbers together?” Now imagine I say this in front of ten people: “Your numbers don’t make any sense.”

The underlying issue may be the same, but the human experience is completely different. One invites discussion. The other creates humiliation. And humiliation is a terrible negotiating partner.​

Negotiation research shows self-identity threat is a psychological barrier that makes people process information defensively and hold positions that no longer serve them. Public scrutiny can make the problem even worse because changing positions carries a perceived reputational cost. ​

When people feel embarrassed or humiliated, particularly in front of people whose opinions matter, they want to save face. That is why some of the most effective negotiators I know leave the other person a dignified path to changing their mind. ​

There are two signs that a deal has become personal and reputation is at stake.​

First, the other person starts defending how experienced, successful or knowledgeable they are instead of discussing the underlying issue. For example, they might talk about their 20 years of experience, a complicated deal they made or the company they built, rather than the facts on the table.​

Second, a person digs in on a position even when facts emerge that make the original position hard to defend. For example, someone says, “This company is worth $20 million,” or “We are owed $500,000,” and keeps defending that position even when new facts emerge to counter the assertion.​

At this point, the other person has stopped discussing the deal and is now defending their credibility, competence or reputation. If you mishandle this moment, showing someone they are wrong, it can make that person even more committed to their position.​

In the book I’m developing on the topic, I argue that you can address people’s emotional attachment to their position using one or all of four different levers, which together form the acronym TILT.

1. Trust: Keep their trust by maintaining their dignity. Give the other person a way to save face. Avoid arguing about their experience. Stop trying to prove them wrong and yourself right. Gain their trust by talking to them privately rather than publicly on sensitive issues.​

2. Influence: Influence the negotiation by asking questions, not making accusations. Instead of saying, “That position is unreasonable,” say, “How are you getting comfortable with that number given these three facts?” Let them participate in discovering the solution.​

3. Leverage: Avoid leveraging information that could embarrass someone. Good leverage creates movement. Bad leverage creates resentment. Sometimes, your best leverage is to stop using the facts. Instead, pay attention to their emotions. Acknowledge their expertise and ask for their input on a less contentious point.​

4. Timing: This may be the most important element of the four in emotional situations. Sometimes people need an evening, a hallway conversation or a fifteen-minute break before they can move on. Give them an out. Often, when people have time to reflect, they feel less threatened and are more open to new information.​

After years of handling deals, disputes, mediations, boardrooms, classrooms and difficult conversations, I have learned that when a deal becomes personal, you need to TILT the room.​

TILT is all about understanding people. And when you understand them, you can work with them to make the best deals possible.

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