I’ve completely fallen for a friend of mine – in truth, she’s my closest friend – and don’t know what to do. She broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago, and since then we’ve grown even closer than we were before. I know it’s too soon, given that she’s still grieving her breakup and that I’ve been giving her a shoulder to cry on, but do I tell her how I really feel now – or wait?
Every time I see her for sleepovers (at her suggestion), or nights where we just sit on the sofa and cuddle, I come away feeling even more smitten. I can’t help thinking we’re perfect for each other. But she seems to have me in a box – she says outright that she’s not over her ex. But I think she might just be being shy. I don’t want either of us to miss out on the chance of something that could be so great.
I’m bursting to tell her how I feel, but my other friends say I shouldn’t risk ruining the friendship. I just don’t know if I can hold it in much longer. It feels like too big a secret. What do I do?
Lovesick
Dear Lovesick,
Your message made me sigh – in a romantic, wistful kind of way. I can really feel your longing through the page. More than that – your yearning. But I’m going to be very dull and very strict and say that while I do believe that a friendship is a great foundation for a romantic relationship – in fact, studies show that the longevity of a partnership can come down to the strength of friendship between two people – it sounds very much like a case of right person and woefully wrong timing.
She’s said herself that she’s not over her ex, yet – and I’m afraid that you need to listen. If you speak now, you are speaking for you: and I get it; being in unrequited (or undeclared) love can feel like torture. You can’t see the world straight without her in it. But it’s simply not the right time.
Think of it this way: if you shoot your shot too soon, you risk losing her – she might even view it as a betrayal. That’s because, right now, you have her confidence. She feels close to you, you’ve offered her a shoulder to cry on and she trusts you with her broken heart and her feelings. If you “violate” that unspoken code now and bring your own feelings into it – at a time when she, frankly, isn’t ready – you risk severing the bond between you altogether. She might even see it as you taking advantage of her fragile heart.
But, have courage – because I’m not suggesting you conceal your feelings forever. Just for a while, until she (and it must be she) tells you that she’s healed. Focus on building the friendship and the solid foundation you will be grateful for if/when things move to romance, later on.
To make it easier on yourself, I’d take a step back – at least in terms of your boundaries. No more confusing sleepovers, no more cuddles. Protect yourself, too, from getting hurt – as much as you instinctively want to protect her.
She might be giving off mixed signals because she’s missing her ex and the closeness of that relationship, or she may have genuine feelings for you too. I suspect the latter, but I want you to honour her space to grieve and put that first. If only for a while. Then, in a few months, ask her how she is feeling about her ex. If she says clearly that she is over it and feels ready to move on, tell her how you feel. But bide your time. There’s no point rushing and risking a good thing.
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