{"id":146583,"date":"2024-02-02T06:53:31","date_gmt":"2024-02-02T06:53:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2024\/02\/02\/6-myths-about-the-most-misunderstood-type-of-love\/"},"modified":"2024-02-02T06:53:31","modified_gmt":"2024-02-02T06:53:31","slug":"6-myths-about-the-most-misunderstood-type-of-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/2024\/02\/02\/6-myths-about-the-most-misunderstood-type-of-love\/","title":{"rendered":"6 myths about the most misunderstood type of love"},"content":{"rendered":"

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I always fell in love hard, so I was used to big feelings. But when\u00a0limerence hit me,\u00a0I knew something was different.<\/p>\n

I could barely find any information when I started my quest to figure out what was happening. Search results kept referencing\u00a0\u201cobsessive love\u201d\u00a0\u2014\u00a0but that\u00a0has\u00a0a disturbing vibe that doesn\u2019t fit how I felt, and it\u00a0gives\u00a0the feeling of a\u00a0diagnosis.<\/p>\n

I knew I wasn\u2019t ill. I was upside-down in love with the wrong person at the wrong time who may or may not have felt the same way\u00a0\u2014 or maybe he couldn\u2019t feel the same.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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The dictionary\u00a0says limerence is:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe state of being\u00a0infatuated\u00a0or obsessed with another person, typically experienced\u00a0involuntarily\u00a0and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one\u2019s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

After some in-depth research, I discovered many myths about what limerence is and why we feel it, myths that lead people to feel unnecessary shame.<\/p>\n

Six myths about limerence and why it\u2019s nothing to be ashamed of:<\/p>\n

1. It\u2019s not a crush or infatuation<\/h3>\n

There aren\u2019t enough words for love in the English language! This is why psychologist\u00a0Dorothy Tennov coined the word limerence\u00a0to describe the state of being in love. <\/p>\n

Limerence is much different than a crush or infatuation in its intensity, tenaciousness, intrusive thinking, duration, and all-consuming feelings (emotional and physical).<\/p>\n

2. Limerence doesn\u2019t happen to everyone<\/h3>\n

Why do some people experience limerence and others don\u2019t? While this is still a significant area of social and scientific research, I\u2019ve found three critical underlying factors can often lead a person to be\u00a0more prone to limerence:\u00a0having an anxious\/insecure attachment style, going through a big life transition or loss, or being an HSP (highly-sensitive person).<\/p>\n

Timing also matters. You may not experience limerence until you meet a particular person who triggers your unique and deeply held\u00a0love map, which may remind you of someone you loved but lost, or who you could never quite get the attention and love you needed from, such as a caregiver or parent.<\/p>\n

3.<\/strong>\u00a0Love with shame attached<\/h3>\n

You might judge yourself harshly for how you feel and can\u2019t control. The person you love may not know the extent of your feelings, so facing possible rejection by disclosing your emotions feels like too much to risk. <\/p>\n

You may be in a position where you\u2019re not available to fall in love with someone else like you\u2019re already in a relationship, and this creates a chasm between your loyalty to your relationship and what you feel for someone else. You\u2019re probably less inclined to seek help or talk to others about it.<\/p>\n

The fear of judgment,\u00a0being misunderstood, or being told, \u201cGet over it,\u201d is real. In this way, your experience remains intimately yours and gathers more and more energy as a secret. It can start to eat away at your life and mental health unless you seek some support.<\/p>\n

4. Lack of certainty strengthens limerence<\/h3>\n

Dorothy Tennov found limerence is a particular state of being in love that often gains momentum and crystallizes from a lack of certainty and\u00a0mixed signals from the love interest.\u00a0<\/p>\n

A signifier of its limerence compared to other states of love is you don\u2019t feel comfortable disclosing how you feel, and you feel extremely sensitive to the risk of rejection.<\/p>\n

Limerence is a state of being in love and also of not knowing. The feelings mixed with high ambiguity, uncertainty, and insecurity can fuel longing and desire. It can prolong the feelings of desire, attraction, hope, despair, and confusion. <\/p>\n

Not seeking clarification if the feelings are reciprocated can also lead to limerence lasting longer than many other states of love. <\/p>\n

Sometimes, the fastest cure for limerence is killing the limerent hope by simply addressing the feelings.<\/p>\n

5. Limerence is not the same as lust or physical attraction<\/h3>\n

While lust and physical attraction\u00a0can be a part of limerence, the main difference between lusting or being infatuated with someone and limerence is limerence has a primary goal of uncontrollable, overwhelming desire to gain the confirmation of reciprocated feelings of love, attraction, and care from your love interest. It can feel like everything hinges on their reciprocation of your feelings.<\/p>\n

Your self-esteem, confidence, and mood can skyrocket or plummet based on signals (or lack thereof) from your love interest. <\/p>\n

There is an intense, overwhelming desire for reciprocated, mutual feelings of admiration, attraction, interest, love, and care that don\u2019t usually accompany physical attractions.<\/p>\n

6. Limerence isn\u2019t companionate love, but it\u2019s still love<\/h3>\n

Limerence can take hold when you don\u2019t know a person very well. It can be a fantasy projection of who you think the person is. You fill in the blanks of what they are. <\/p>\n

Often, we fall limerent with someone we know well, and their character and qualities are why we have fallen limerent in the first place. <\/p>\n

It could be a coworker, a friend, or someone you see daily where the feelings suddenly and quite unexpectedly turn into limerence.<\/p>\n

Limerence is not companionate or\u00a0affectionate bonding love. Yet, it doesn\u2019t mean the feelings you have aren\u2019t real. Categorizing limerence as a\u00a0state of fantasy or projection\u00a0minimizes the feelings of the person experiencing limerence and can cause even more distress and feelings of shame.<\/p>\n

Even if your love interest does not reciprocate, it\u2019s uncertain, or the relationship can\u2019t be consummated, your feelings are still valid.<\/p>\n

In most cases, relief from the negative aspects of limerence requires thoughtful examination and curiosity about who you are, your life before the limerence, where you are now, what you desire, and what you\u2019ve held dear to you as your \u2018ultimate dream of mutual love.\u2019<\/p>\n

I\u2019m many years from my most dramatic limerence experience, so I can write about it from the other side and tell you It is much easier than when I was in the thick of limerence. There\u2019s a light at the end of the limerence tunnel!<\/p>\n

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