![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/image-12-696x394.png\" "\\"Couple\\"\/")
<\/div>\n\u201cDon\u2019t do everything for him, you\u2019ll regret it later.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was the sage marriage advice I received from my mother-in-law quite a few years ago. <\/p>\n
I shoved those words aside at the time, too new to relationships to know that they were golden crumbs on a path to healthy love and on how to be a\u00a0good wife.\u00a0<\/p>\n
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Not surprisingly, I dove headlong into\u00a0repeating the same pattern later on in relationship\u00a0number two. It hasn\u2019t been pretty.<\/p>\n
In getting the love you want, couples need nurturing from each other \u2014 not mothering. Yet, most people end up doing the latter, believing them to be the same thing. But, they\u2019re not.<\/p>\n
Why do some of us \u2014 of any gender\u00a0\u2014 mother our partners?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been exploring this conundrum for a good while, most of it\u00a0was born out of introspection into my strong instinct to mother.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve surmised that I have a double dose of it, due to a severe lack of positive parenting I received as a child.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t receive enough \u2014 mother everything in sight. At least, that was how I externalized my inner child wounds.<\/p>\n
A long line of adopted cats, dogs, goats, and chickens after my fledglings flew the coop can attest to that!<\/p>\n
There\u2019s nothing wrong with a little generosity of the heart of course, as long as we understand the impulses that take us into overdrive.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My lesson in love was that I greatly confused nurturing with mothering when it came to my significant other.<\/p>\n
Nurturing is empowering and there are 3 reasons why it\u2019s\u00a0the most important piece of marriage advice.<\/p>\n
Here are\u00a03 reasons why the best wives nurture \u2014 not \u2018mother\u2019 \u2014 their husbands:<\/p>\n
1. We see where our partner needs support\u00a0but do\u00a0not override their autonomy<\/h3>\n
For example,\u00a0you offer to make your partner tea when they are tired or simply to do something nice for them.<\/p>\n
Another time,\u00a0they offer to make you tea, and you accept and don\u2019t resist their offer by saying that you\u2019ll do it (because you feel you can do it better\/quicker perhaps or simply out of that mothering habit).<\/p>\n
In a good marriage, there is space for kindness\u00a0and\u00a0space for support. Learning to step back from our desire to \u2018do it all\u2019 is a step toward healthy self-esteem.<\/p>\n
2. Nurturing gives rise to sovereignty for either partner<\/h3>\n
I don\u2019t think we speak enough about sovereignty in\u00a0healthy relationships. Too much societal, sugar-coated love indoctrination can make us feel that we should become\u00a0one.<\/p>\n
A more balanced viewpoint is, as the Buddhists say, two flames sharing a path,\u00a0with room for each to actualize their individuality.<\/p>\n
3. We create\u00a0feelings of empowerment<\/h3>\n
As partners in a marriage, we share responsibilities while sustainably offering ourselves.<\/p>\n
Sustainability in love stems from truly knowing our boundaries and our abilities to give ongoingly without burnout.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, there are 3 reasons why mothering your husband or wife invalidates them.<\/p>\n
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- It sends the signal that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves and our needs for their benefit.\u00a0It not only invalidates their abilities to take care of themselves but screams about our lack of self-worth.<\/li>\n
- It creates\u00a0further expectations of continuing the same behavior, setting up a pattern difficult to reverse. Whether we mother out of some kind of guilt or from our unhealed wounds and shadows, the result is the same \u2014 habits that lead to exhaustion, resentment, and anger.<\/li>\n
- Mothering our partner can lead to a loss of respect. Once resentment sets in, we begin to blame the other party for our habit which in effect trained them to expect what we now no longer wish to do. I\u2019m not sure which comes first, the loss of respect for ourselves or our partner, but either way, it makes for a bad relationship.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
What is a more sustainable path? It considers self-love as integral to the \u2018whole\u2019 of the relationship.<\/p>\n
No one person should sacrifice themselves for another nor should they ignore the needs of the other, without being taken advantage of.<\/p>\n
To be taken advantage of is to allow it, and the responsibility of whether we are participating in mothering versus nurturing rests with us.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey took advantage of my good will\u201d is a disempowering statement often cited by serial motherers which shifts their lack of boundaries to our partner.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s difficult it is to break such patterns as it takes some honest self-talk to dig deep into that and come up with something that helps us move through it.<\/p>\n
Having a conversation with our partner about what\u2019s not working may seem daunting, even impossible.<\/p>\n
Begin with an act of self-love. Take a bath, a walk, and make a nourishing meal for yourself. That is always a centering, grounding way to enter any conversation.<\/p>\n
Be empowered and glass-filled, open to the possibility that there is a way forward. You may be surprised by the response you receive when you approach your beloved. But it all begins with opening\u00a0up to what you need, what brings peace to your own heart.<\/p>\n
Author Kim McMillen stated, \u201cWhen I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn\u2019t healthy.<\/p>\n
This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs,\u00a0and\u00a0habits \u2014 anything that kept me small.\u00a0My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
I encountered many of my excuses along the way to truly knowing what co-dependence comes from mothering a lover.<\/p>\n
And so often, co-dependence, dressed as love, unpacks all those cozy, healthy, fun, romantic ways we used to enjoy before we created a monster of self-sacrifice.<\/p>\n
The good news is, that stepping back to see ourselves in a clear light, allowing for self-love, gathering our courage, and\u00a0opening an honest conversation\u00a0can bring a much-needed liberation. It can bring balance and equanimity to any relationship.<\/p>\n
It all boils down to what kind of expectations we have placed on ourselves and listening to the honest feedback we receive from our bodies and emotions when something doesn\u2019t feel right anymore. What\u2019s left is acting upon that feedback.<\/p>\n
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