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I\u2019ll be running an errand, or in the middle of a jam-packed workday, when an anxious pang hits me:\u00a0You owe Swati a phone call.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Or,\u00a0God, I have no idea how Molly\u2019s dealing with that\u00a0thing<\/em>\u00a0right now.\u00a0In the years before my closest friends and I moved to different cities, had kids, or just got swamped with Life Stuff, we saw each other with the enviable frequency of sitcom characters who are constantly walking into one another\u2019s apartments.<\/p>\n These days, even with friends who still live nearby, it more often feels like we\u2019re waving longingly to each other from across a lake (this typically takes the form of vague \u201clet\u2019s catch up soon!\u201d text exchanges).\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n When I do manage to connect with a good friend, I feel quantifiably better afterward\u2014like my soul is fluffed up and a little more present inside my body. I\u2019d like to feel that way more often.<\/p>\n Equally important: I\u2019d like to be a better and more attentive friend than I\u2019ve been in recent years amid life\u2019s many distractions. (The pandemic further tested the elasticity of my friendships; one 20-year connection that had already endured years of strain snapped entirely, resulting in a\u00a0friend breakup.)\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cPeople have a lot of broken connections in the wake of the pandemic\u2014a number of my clients have a whole different cast of characters in their lives now,\u201d\u00a0Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of\u00a0Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0tells SELF. An upside of this, Kelaher says, is that some people are realizing the vital importance of existing friendships. \u201cIn fact, I\u2019m seeing more and more clients bring friends into\u00a0therapy sessions,\u201d she says.\u00a0<\/p>\n A\u00a0slew of surveys\u00a0suggest that I\u2019m not the only person who\u2019s struggling to prioritize friendship: Even\u00a0before<\/em>\u00a0the isolating impact of the pandemic, people in the US spent\u00a0way less time with friends\u00a0than they did in previous decades. Not only can weaker social connections make us less happy, but this isolation is bad for our bodies, too.<\/p>\n \u201cSocial isolation and loneliness are two different things, but we\u2019re seeing that both of them are leading to a host of negative consequences for physical and mental health,\u201d\u00a0Laura Whitney Sniderman, MA,\u00a0founder of\u00a0Kinnd, a digital platform that aims to help people forge and sustain friendships, tells SELF. For example, studies have linked a lack of human connection to\u00a0depression and anxiety, poor sleep quality, high blood pressure, and\u00a0even dementia. Sniderman,\u00a0who has a master\u2019s in clinical and counseling psychology, spends her days immersed in research on the science of friendship. Kinnd\u2019s bond-building model is based on cultivating three qualities of a solid friendship:\u00a0vulnerability, generosity, and reciprocity. The company\u2019s app, launching sometime this year, will match up prospective pals.<\/p>\n While\u00a0making new friends\u00a0is wonderful (and necessary, if you\u2019re still looking for your people), \u201cIt\u2019s often much easier to work on a meaningful friendship that already exists,\u201d Sniderman says, citing a 2018\u00a0study\u00a0that found it takes an average of 200 hours to achieve BFF-level kinship. Whether (like me) you\u2019re desperately seeking ways to connect with your friends more often or you simply want to grow closer to them, these expert tips can help you strengthen your relationships with your favorite people.<\/p>\n 1. Set an intention to work on your closest friendships (for most of us, that means up to five people, tops).\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n If you\u2019re not sure how many good friends you\u2019re \u201csupposed\u201d to have to enhance your life, we don\u2019t blame you\u2014we\u2019re all pretty undereducated on the entire topic of being a buddy. \u201cFriendship doesn\u2019t command the same social respect that we\u2019ve been giving romantic relationships, so you don\u2019t see as many resources to support it,\u201d\u00a0Danielle Jackson, host of the podcast\u00a0Friend Forward<\/em>, tells SELF.<\/p>\n WATCHWhat, Exactly, Is Bipolar Disorder?<\/p>\n Jackson, Kelaher, and Sniderman all loosely agree with \u201cDunbar\u2019s number\u201d\u2014anthropologist Robin Dunbar\u2019s theory that the human brain can only successfully maintain 150 meaningful ties. Smaller circles exist within this number: You might have 50 loose social connections you\u2019d consider friends\u2014people you\u2019d love to invite to a massive party, say\u2014and 15 friends you see more regularly. The innermost ties (with the people whom Kelaher describes as those you\u2019d call if you\u2019ve wound up in jail or in a hospital bed) number about\u00a0three to five, on average. It\u2019s totally okay to not have that many ride-or-die friendships in your life, but according to Sniderman, \u201cIt\u2019s really important that we seek at least one or two\u201d in order to reap those social-connection benefits. (And, for you extroverts out there, more is just fine too.)\u00a0<\/p>\n As for what makes for a strong friendship, \u201cThe highest qualities are reciprocity, interdependence, and emotional intimacy,\u201d Kelaher says. The give and take of reciprocity will ebb and flow in a healthy bond, as will interdependence (being emotionally in sync and mutually supportive). Emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of a close friendship\u2014the quality that separates casual friends from super-tight ones. \u201cIt\u2019s the stuff that makes for those soulmate friendships,\u201d Kelaher continues. \u201cThere\u2019s mutual communication, mutual disclosures\u2014what I like to call \u2018the deepening of the narrative.\u2019\u201d So how do you foster reciprocity, interdependence, and intimacy with your closest friends in practice? Read on, my bud.<\/p>\n 2. Keep your connection consistent.<\/strong><\/p>\n You don\u2019t need to talk every day or week to \u201cdeepen your friendship narrative,\u201d but some friends like it that way, and Sniderman says the best way to break the \u201ctwo ships passing in the night\u201d cycle is to have a brief conversation about how, and how frequently, you\u00a0would<\/em>\u00a0like to connect.\u00a0<\/p>\n For example, when one of you prefers happy hour meetups while the other is in \u201c8 a.m. breakfast hangouts\u201d mode, a quick chat can help you meet in the middle to make a regular thing happen\u2014maybe a standing lunch date works better in this case, or perhaps you can switch back and forth between bars and bagels.<\/p>\n Similarly, if one of you would love to get together weekly and the other only has time for a monthly catch-up, maybe a mix of calls and in-person get-togethers can help you find the sweet spot. If you live far away from each other, \u201chave a conversation about how both of you prefer to connect\u2014phone, FaceTime, Zoom? The more that you can get clear about those needs, desires, and expectations, the easier and the more fluid that connection will feel,\u201d Sniderman suggests.\u00a0<\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve articulated the mode and frequency that feels right for both of you (which may change over time), be as consistent as possible. If you have a regular weekly hang, stick to it as best as you can. \u201cEnergy flows where attention goes,\u201d Sniderman says. \u201cSo the more energy that you want to and can put towards a friendship, the more likely it\u2019ll flourish.\u201d<\/p>\n 3. Get vulnerable.<\/strong><\/p>\n When you do grab some time together: \u201cSkip the small talk and get real,\u201d Sniderman says. \u201cVulnerability gives others permission to be vulnerable, which can strengthen the relationship.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n If your regular patter isn\u2019t naturally providing a way into deeper topics, Sniderman highly recommends cutting through the fluff with prompts, like by playing the Friendship Edition of the We\u2019re Not Really Strangers card-game series ($20,\u00a0We\u2019re Not Really Strangers).<\/p>\n A sample Q from the deck: \u201cWhat was my last breakup like for you?\u201d Using a game can take the pressure off and help you both feel more comfortable getting extra-real. \u201cIt really gets you into these deep, vulnerable conversations right away, and facilitates deeper dialogue,\u201d Sniderman says. You can also come up with your own set of questions to get the feelings flowing. Some places to start: \u201cWhat would you change about your life right now if you could?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s one of your best childhood memories?\u201d \u201cWhat do you worry about at night?\u201d<\/p>\n 4. Keep seeking ways to create new memories.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n As lovely as regular brunches and calls are, pursuing new activities together is another powerful way to keep pushing your friendship forward. Sniderman recently took a class on Zoom alongside a friend who lives in Costa Rica, and, she says, \u201cIt was an amazing way to feel like we were still learning and growing together.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Jackson suggests setting up a friendship ritual around something you both love, if you don\u2019t have one already\u2014every Friday you might watch a different\u00a0rom-com\u00a0or TV show together and make an on-theme snack (\u201cWill You Accept This\u00a0Rose\u201d\u2013water Raspberry Cupcakes\u00a0on\u00a0The<\/em>\u00a0Bachelor<\/em>\u2019s\u00a0premiere night, for example). \u201cEven bringing this idea to the table shows that you care about them, and you want that consistency baked into your friendship,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n 5. Praise your pal generously.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Every moment you feel\u00a0appreciation\u00a0for your friend is also an opportunity to share those feelings with them. Ask yourself how often you and your friends show each other love directly, and if it\u2019s not a consistent thing, lead with generosity: Share what you love about your friend regularly, without any expectation of hearing it back.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThat might take the form of\u00a0texting a friend\u00a0after a night out: \u2018I\u2019m still thinking about that joke you made about X\u2014you\u2019re the funniest person I know,\u2019\u201d Jackson says, or commenting in the moment when they do something kind. \u201cThe meta message is, \u2018I appreciate you, and you add value to my life,\u2019\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n Speaking of value: Deepening your intimate friendships through consistent connection and regular expressions of vulnerability is a major return on investment. \u201cWhat I\u2019m seeing more in my therapy practice is people\u2014mostly women\u2014experiencing a lot of anxiety about how their social network is going to shift when they retire one day,\u201d Kelaher says. If we keep our friend portfolios thriving, though, \u201cour 70-year-old selves are going to be grateful to who we were in our 20s, 30s, and 40s.\u201d And so will our friends! Take it from hardcore\u00a0friendship advocate Jane Fonda: \u201cI have my friends, therefore I am.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n![\"5](\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/WhatsApp-Image-2023-03-23-at-15.43.26-1.jpeg\" "\\"5")
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