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Ask most people how they knew their\u00a0long-time partner\u00a0was \u201cthe one\u201d and they\u2019ll give a half-shrug. \u201cI don\u2019t know, something just clicked,\u201d they might say, or, \u201cAt some point early on, I just knew.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s lovely for them, but not entirely helpful to you if you\u2019re single and looking for pointers.<\/p>\n
But while your friends might not get specific, there\u00a0are<\/em>\u00a0a few qualities that good partners and relationships tend to have in common, right from the start. Below, people who work with couples and singles (matchmakers, therapists, psychologists) share eight subtle signs that you\u2019ve found your person.<\/p>\n In her work as a matchmaker, Alyssa Park hears a lot of men and women griping about past relationships in which their partners spent too much time with their friends. She tells clients that they\u2019re looking at it wrong: In a solid relationship \u2015 one that goes the distance \u2015 time spent apart isn\u2019t a bug, it\u2019s a feature.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThe best pairings are the ones where both partners feel secure enough with each other to support their partner\u2019s passions outside of the relationship,\u201d Park, who works at\u00a0Three Day Rule Matchmaking, told HuffPost. \u201cWhether you\u2019re picking up a new hobby or hanging out with friends and family, you\u2019re growing as an individual and bring that sense of self and growth back into your relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re talking about politics, that day\u2019s horoscope, or what your weird uncle Joe said after one too many drinks at Christmas, when you share your thoughts, your S.O. really wants to hear them. The same is true for you \u2015 you\u2019re genuinely interested in your partner\u2019s opinion. (Even if you disagree, you like having an exchange of ideas.)<\/p>\n \u201cA person who asks for and listens to your opinions and feelings \u2015 and better yet, who remembers what you say and builds on it later \u2015 is someone you know you can communicate with,\u201d said\u00a0Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and co-author of \u201cHow To Be A Couple And Still Be Free.\u201d \u201cYou want someone who responds with empathy, sincerity and caring.\u201d<\/p>\n Yes, the concept of soulmates and feeling an instant bond with someone is a bit corny. But people who\u2019ve meet their match do often report having felt an uncanny sense of closeness right from the start, said\u00a0Carmen Harra, a psychologist and author of \u201cThe Karma Queens\u2019 Guide to Relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou experience a sense of familiarity right away,\u201d she said. \u201cHis or her touch, scent, taste, comportment, language \u2015 will be comforting and recognizable to you. You may even feel an odd sense of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago in a different setting.\u201d<\/p>\n In therapy,\u00a0Laura Heck, a marriage and family therapist in Salt Lake City and the co-host of \u201cMarriage Therapy Radio,\u201d has a phrase she likes to use with clients who are single and dating. A person who\u2019s worth your time will be gentle with your \u201cenduring vulnerability,\u201d she tells them. Enduring vulnerability, she says, is made up of the sensitive \u201clittle known, soft places we keep hidden from outsiders but can often be the source of great emotional pain when activated.\u201d<\/p>\n You know you\u2019ve found a keeper when you\u2019re vulnerable enough to share your hidden hurts and pains and they handle that information with care and empathy. Once they\u2019re privy to that information, they don\u2019t use it against you; they use their words to build you back up.<\/p>\n \u201cI think of a client who fell madly in love with her husband because he went above and beyond to point out all the ways she was smart, creative and inventive in her everyday life,\u201d she said. \u201cHe knew that she carried an old, hurtful story that she was slow from years of struggling in school with dyslexia. That\u2019s what it like when you\u2019re with someone who respects your enduring vulnerability.\u201d<\/p>\n This one might sound like a weird outlier, but you know you\u2019ve met the one when you both feel comfortable doing absolutely nothing together, Park said.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s easy to feel chemistry in the early phases of dating because you\u2019re always doing something exciting or different together,\u201d she said. \u201cThe true test of compatibility is if you\u2019re happy doing the simple things together like grocery shopping or folding laundry.\u201d<\/p>\n The myth of a conflict-less relationship is just that:\u00a0a total myth. A true sign of a lasting relationship isn\u2019t a lack of arguments, it\u2019s knowing how to resolve those inevitable clashes.<\/p>\n \u201cRelationships aren\u2019t always going to be in the honeymoon phase,\u201d Park said. \u201cThe difference between a failed relationship and your forever relationship is how you handle conflict together: The minute you start to blame each other is the moment you stop operating as a team. On the other hand, discussing different perspectives in a way that is open and healthy can bring you closer together.\u201d<\/p>\n Affection \u2015 sweet compliments out of nowhere or little taps on the bum when no one is looking \u2015 is the special sauce of long-term relationships. Being able to express positive feelings toward each other helps you get past awkward moments, recover from spats, and reassure each other that your love is still strong, Tessina said. Your forever person should feel comfortable being affectionate toward you \u2015 and not just because they\u2019re looking to have sex.<\/p>\n \u201cWhile sex is important and both of you deserve to have your sexual needs met, a person who pouts if affection doesn\u2019t lead to sex is emotionally immature,\u201d Tessina said. \u201cA good partner isn\u2019t reluctant to touch you, to say loving things, or to be close to you in non-sexual situations, too.\u201d<\/p>\n You often hear longtime couples say that a relationship is \u201chard work.\u201d While there\u2019s absolutely truth to that, it shouldn\u2019t be backbreaking, I-don\u2019t-know-if-I-can-do-this-anymore hard work. With the right partner, there are bumpy moments here and there, but overall, your relationship is relatively easy.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen couples describe their courtship as \u2018easy,\u2019 I know that they found their match,\u201d Heck said. \u201cToxic relationships can be exciting, consuming, enticing and hard to quit. But it\u2019s a friendship that quietly grows into a deep, meaningful love that is the goal.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, don\u2019t toss out a relationship because it\u2019s not full of drama; embrace it because it\u2019s more or less drama-free.<\/p>\n \u201cEasy relationships can be discarded before given the chance because there doesn\u2019t seem to be \u2018heat\u2019 \u2026 but believe me, the heat is in the friendship, not in the makeup sex,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n1. You love being together but encourage your partner to have a separate life outside your relationship.<\/h4>\n
2. They care about your opinions, and you care about theirs.<\/h4>\n
3. There\u2019s a near-instant feeling of familiarity.<\/h4>\n
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4. You\u2019re comfortable being vulnerable around them.<\/h4>\n
5. You\u2019re OK with being bored in each other\u2019s company.<\/h4>\n
6. You fight fair.<\/h4>\n
7. They\u2019re affectionate \u2014 and not just because they\u2019re angling for sex.<\/h4>\n
8. You\u2019d describe your relationship as \u201ceasy.\u201d<\/h4>\n