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By Megan Buerger <\/p>\n
It\u2019s one thing to love someone, but it\u2019s another thing entirely to live with them. Cohabiting can make or break a relationship and can quickly turn a love nest into a battleground. If you\u2019re considering combining households with your partner, there are a few things to keep in mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first thing to realise is that everybody perceives things differently,\u201d said Glennon Gordon, a couples therapist. \u201cI mean that literally. The way that I perceive something and the way you perceive something are as different as our fingerprints. So is the way we see our physical space.\u201d<\/p>\n
These differences extend beyond coffee table preferences. <\/p>\n
READ OUR LATEST PROPERTY MAG BELOW:<\/strong><\/p>\n For some people, external space is correlated with their internal, or emotional, space; the home needs to be orderly for them to feel that way inside, Gordon said. For others, the two things are separate. A stack of dishes is just that; it does not imply a chaotic state of being.<\/p>\n The key is to never assume your partner will be just like you. \u201cWhen you expect the other person to be completely different, as they most likely are, it makes compromise so much easier,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also wise to consider all possible outcomes before signing a lease. \u201cThink about the worst-case scenario,\u201d said Cheryl New, a family lawyer. \u201cHow does that play out?\u201d<\/p>\n Moving in together is a serious commitment that can be a pain to undo. New\u2019s advice is to be realistic and keep your receipts. \u201cNobody thinks they\u2019re the types to bicker over pots and pans in a breakup,\u201d she said. \u201cIn the end, of course, almost everyone does.\u201d<\/p>\n Relationships are an art, not a science, and some people simply live better together than others. But there are steps you can take to avoid some common pitfalls. <\/p>\n We spoke to experts for tips on how to combine your possessions, be a good room-mate, blend styles and manage expectations while protecting yourself against a messy uncoupling, should the relationship go south.<\/p>\n 1. Don\u2019t rush it.<\/strong> As tempting as it may be to share a lease in today\u2019s pricey rental market, the decision should be thought out. <\/p>\n \u201cMoving in together is about more than just getting on the same page,\u201d Gordon said. <\/p>\n In her experience, it\u2019s often about navigating conflict. \u201cCouples need to be able to handle the inevitable tensions that come up when you have to share everything: your space, your stuff, your time, your self. <\/p>\n \u201cA lot of people assume that if they\u2019re happy enough to move in together, they must be relatively similar people. But this is a whole new level of intimacy. It only works if people feel like they can be fully themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n 2. Discuss expectations.<\/strong> Before you start house- or apartment-hunting, have a conversation about how you both prefer to live. <\/p>\n \u201cGet specific,\u201d said Natalie Ron, who founded the home-organising company Swoon Spaces. <\/p>\n \u201cWhat does a peaceful home look and feel like to your partner? How much of that are each of you responsible for?\u201d <\/p>\n These conversations should include each other\u2019s upbringings. <\/p>\n \u201cAsk your partner about their parents\u2019 relationship with money and how their childhood household was run,\u201d Gordon said. <\/p>\n \u201cDid Mom do all the cooking and cleaning and Dad handled the expenses? If so, find out how much that factors into your partner\u2019s current expectations. Know what you\u2019re signing up for.\u201d<\/p>\n 3. Make a budget and track receipts.<\/strong> Keep a log of which person\u2019s items are coming into the new home and who is buying new pieces. <\/p>\n Budgeting can be tricky if you have different financial situations or differing ideas about how to spend money. <\/p>\n \u201cSome people are naturally more spontaneous, while others have to budget for everything,\u201d Gordon said. <\/p>\n Getting either party to change those habits probably won\u2019t happen, so focus instead on how you manage the variation: <\/p>\n \u201cIf you expect and respect differences, you\u2019re much more likely to get along.\u201d<\/p>\n 4. Declutter before you move.<\/strong> Ron recommends that all of her clients who are on the verge of combining households get their own house in order first. <\/p>\n \u201cThink of it as a final, reflective moment for your single, independent self,\u201d she said. <\/p>\n \u201cGo through your old clothing, letters from exes and trinkets that you\u2019ve held on to over the years. Do they really need to come into your new home with you?\u201d <\/p>\n If some do, buy a couple of low-profile storage containers that can be stowed in the back of a closet. <\/p>\n \u201cNobody expects you to toss your sentimental collectibles, but they will appreciate a sense of consciousness and order,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n 5. Understand each other\u2019s triggers. <\/strong> Cleanliness is the most common source of friction for Gordon\u2019s clients. <\/p>\n \u201cOne person can walk by a piece of trash and not even see it,\u201d she said. \u201cAnother person couldn\u2019t possibly walk by it without getting anxious.\u201d <\/p>\n Be curious, not critical, about how your partner sees their space. <\/p>\n Similarly, if your partner has a harder time parting with things, resist the urge to coach them through it. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s tempting to pressure someone to \u2018just throw it out,\u2019 but that almost always backfires,\u201d Ron said. <\/p>\n \u201cInstead, find out what\u2019s behind their attachment, whether it\u2019s sentimental reasons or financial habits, and try to help them prioritise, so they don\u2019t feel pushed or dismissed.\u201d<\/p>\n 6. Mix and match styles.<\/strong> \u201cEven if one person is more design-inclined, it\u2019s critical that both people feel like they have a say in their space,\u201d Gordon said. <\/p>\n \u201cThis is about more than ego; it\u2019s also about mental health. It\u2019s never good for someone to feel like a stranger in their own home \u2013 not good for the individual, and really not good for the relationship.\u201d <\/p>\n If you can, resist the urge to cast one partner aside; the cliched solution of granting the husband a single room to make his own, usually a \u201cman cave\u201d or the garage, feels superficial and dated. Instead, spend time browsing Pinterest boards and design blogs together to find pieces and aesthetics you\u2019re both drawn to. <\/p>\n \u201cI promise: There will be common ground,\u201d Ron said.<\/p>\n 7. Give yourselves a grace period.<\/strong> Even the most prepared and organised couple will encounter surprises once they\u2019re under the same roof. Gordon said many people struggle with how their partner spends their free time. <\/p>\n \u201cOne person might cook or clean or grab the window [of time] to work out, while the other person takes a nap or stares at their phone for an hour,\u201d Gordon said. <\/p>\n \u201cThese variations can be shocking at first, and they take some getting used to.\u201d <\/p>\n Try not to let these differences balloon into judgmental statements about the other\u2019s character or lobbying campaigns to get them to change their ways. Instead, respect conscious decisions about how you want to live, and take turns seeing things from the other\u2019s perspective. <\/p>\n \u201cIs it really that your partner is lazy? Or is it that they\u2019re better at relaxing than you?\u201d Gordon said.<\/p>\n