![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/1628784977_822_deseo-sexual-696x464.jpg\" "\\"sexual\\"\/")
My partner and I have been together for three years. She\u2019s 37, I\u2019m 32 (and male). <\/p>\n
We\u2019ve had our ups and downs, but the longer we\u2019re together the stronger our relationship becomes. <\/p>\n
We support one another and share a lot of sweetness.<\/p>\n
The problem is sex. Our libidos are mismatched, with me being the high-desire partner. My advances are often met with passivity. On average, we have sex once a month. It\u2019s always good, if not great. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
We talk about what turns us on and off, we share our fantasies, and we\u2019re open to trying new things.<\/p>\n
My partner says I\u2019m good at pleasuring her and she often expresses her attraction to me, so I don\u2019t understand why we have sex so seldom. We\u2019ve had numerous conversations about it \u2014 almost always because I brought it up<\/p>\n
. I explain that I want to understand why attraction doesn\u2019t for her translate into desire. She says sex just isn\u2019t \u201ca big part\u201d of our relationship, but my desire for her is unflagging.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re talking about moving in together and starting a family. I\u2019m open to that, but also reluctant, knowing that sex will likely become even less frequent once we have kids. I want to believe that we can create a robust, healthy sex life, but I\u2019m at a loss as to what the next step is.<\/p>\n
Frustrated<\/strong><\/p>\n Cheryl Strayed<\/strong>: I\u2019m struck by your partner\u2019s statement that sex isn\u2019t \u201ca big part\u201d of your relationship. Clearly, you disagree. I\u2019m not sure your girlfriend is aware of how deeply. <\/p>\n You\u2019ve done well in initiating discussions with her about your dissatisfaction with the frequency of your sexual intimacy, Frustrated, but I think the next step is to go further in stating your concerns.<\/p>\n Your partner needs to know that you\u2019re more than bothered by this issue, that in fact it\u2019s causing you to question whether or not to continue the relationship. <\/p>\n I\u2019m not suggesting you make a\u00a0have-sex-with-me-more-often-or-else-I\u2019m leaving\u00a0ultimatum, but rather that you transparently share your feelings with her about the fact that this really matters to you.<\/p>\n Steve Almond<\/strong>: Let\u2019s be real here. If you\u2019re feeling this deprived during your courtship, just imagine what happens when you move in and have kids. <\/p>\n The broader issue here has to do with feeling loved. For you, this involves the chance to express your sexual desire for your partner. She doesn\u2019t share the same intensity of desire. <\/p>\n This inequality isn\u2019t anyone\u2019s fault. But it is your circumstance, and it poses a real threat to your happiness. <\/p>\n Given that you\u2019ve already talked a good deal on your own, with little discernible improvement, I\u2019d suggest talking with a counsellor before you move in together.<\/p>\n Cheryl<\/strong>\u00a0Strayed<\/strong>: Talking more explicitly about this issue will not only communicate to your partner how important sex is to you, but it will also give you an opportunity to understand her sexuality better. I don\u2019t see it as a contradiction that her attraction for you doesn\u2019t always translate into desire. <\/p>\n I think it\u2019s fairly common in long-term relationships \u2014 which is among the reasons the frequency of sex so often drops off over time. <\/p>\n It can be difficult to get things rolling once the great driving engine of lust subsides. So it\u2019s time to have a conversation that goes beyond your bedroom talks about turn-ons and fantasies, Frustrated. <\/p>\n What\u00a0does<\/em>\u00a0compel your girlfriend to want to have sex with you and how might the two of you create those conditions more often? Are there ways other than sex that you might nurture and sustain your erotic connection with each other?<\/p>\n Steve Almond<\/strong>: I\u2019m curious how your partner reacts to your attempts to initiate intimacy. Even if she doesn\u2019t want to make love, is she able to acknowledge and engage with your desire in other ways? <\/p>\n Are you open to soliciting other forms of erotic connection? I ask because I sense that you yearn for a lover who feels desire for you, not just one who consents to having sex when you initiate. <\/p>\n I think it\u2019s great to seek compromise, and to get creative in finding ways to reconcile the imbalance in your libidos. But to do so, you have to be radically honest about the true nature of your desires in a lover.<\/p>\n Cheryl Strayed<\/strong>: Steve is right that so much of this is about the murkier territory of intimacy and desire \u2014 all of that is worth examining. And yet there\u2019s also a very practical way through this. <\/p>\n Perhaps, Frustrated, you simply need to ask your girlfriend if she\u2019d be willing to jump in the sack with you once a week so you feel more content in your relationship. I know this sounds incredibly unsexy, but I\u2019m a fan of appointment sex. <\/p>\n It doesn\u2019t rely upon magic to make it happen. It\u2019s on your to-do list. (Which doesn\u2019t mean that magic won\u2019t be made.) Like so many worthwhile things in my life \u2014 writing, exercising \u2014 I\u2019m not always in the mood to have sex, but afterward I\u2019m always glad I did. It\u2019s the just-do-it model of doing it. And it works.<\/p>\n Steve Almond<\/strong>: Love appointment sex! Cheryl\u2019s plan is definitely worth a try. But if it doesn\u2019t work, I want to reiterate my suggestion that you visit a counsellor, preferably a sex therapist who can help you explore what erotic intimacy means for each of you, and for your relationship. Look, I don\u2019t know anyone in long-term monogamy who feels completely satisfied and in sync with their partner sexually.<\/p>\n But I do know that it\u2019s not fair for one person to walk around feeling sexually deprived and undesired. Nor for that person\u2019s partner to feel pressured and resented. <\/p>\n We all have different libidos, different yearnings, a different erotic imagination. What matters, in the end, is that the person we choose to be with accepts and even embraces our sexuality. <\/p>\n The two of you may disagree about what constitutes a \u201crobust, healthy sex life,\u201d Frustrated. But you both have to be willing to acknowledge this as a goal. If your partner can\u2019t, your next step may be finding a partner who can.<\/p>\n *****<\/strong><\/p>\n The\u00a0\u201cDear Sugars\u201d podcast\u00a0is an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n