![\"couple\"](\"https:\/\/www.ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/EVuMLaWXkAUMnvI-Copy-696x464.jpg\" "\\"couple\\"\/")
<\/div>\nAfter his engagement was called off, thirty-two-year-old Anand Bose (name changed), who has been suffering from clinical depression, asked his therapist, \u201cDo you think I need to go on a vacation somewhere with my friends? Maybe that will help me get over this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Though deeply hurt by the incident, Bose feels that taking some \u201ctime-off\u201d and a \u201cchange of environment\u201d will benefit him.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve all encountered these moments where our so-called negative feelings\u2014sadness, anger, hurt\u2014have been denied or trivialised.<\/p>\n
Take, for instance, that friend or family member who reacts to your discomfort about something by telling you that it is over now and you need to forget about it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Or that person who tells a grieving person at a funeral not to cry about the deceased because they are in a better place now. While their intentions may be well-meant, such phrases can cause alienation, distress and disconnect.<\/p>\n
Of course, this mindset, unfortunately, has always been around but has been amplified recently, thanks to social media.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And, often, we do it to ourselves. Let\u2019s be honest: While welcoming 2022, haven\u2019t we all had our moments of self-reflection where we\u2019ve consciously or subconsciously chosen to focus on the happiest and best memories and moments of the year gone by to pave the way for the New Year?<\/p>\n
We also want to overachieve, be super happy and ultra hopeful. Everyone\u2019s social media accounts reflect their picture-perfect families, supportive relatives, colleagues, high-end jobs, successes and achievements.<\/p>\n
Everyone wants to put up a happy face and move ahead with their lives as if nothing has gone wrong or will ever go wrong.<\/p>\n
And without realising it, we\u2019re all contributing to creating a culture where we refuse to acknowledge and accept any negative emotions at all.<\/p>\n
This is what twenty-nine-year-old Suneeti Ramanujan (name changed), who lost her job and hasn\u2019t been able to cope with her financial distress, is now trying to do.<\/p>\n
She is clinging to a \u201cpositive outlook\u201d and is trying to send out \u201cgood vibes into the universe\u201d to help her find a new job. She believes that her problem is how she has been sad and \u201ccarrying the negativity\u201d of her previous experience, and probably that\u2019s hampering her job search.<\/p>\n
However, it turns out that this is not the best way to deal with an uncomfortable situation. As a 2005 Stanford study published in Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology discovered\u2013denying negative feelings was linked to higher rates of depression.<\/p>\n
The research which examined participants for 10 years further showed that avoidance, when used as a coping mechanism, was associated with both more chronic and more acute life stressors 4 years later. Lounge speaks to experts who highlight how this culture of \u2018toxic positivity can harm mental health, advising us on how not to fall prey to this trap.<\/p>\n
Understanding toxic positivity<\/strong><\/p>\n First things first, not all positivity is toxic. However, if one insists on staying positive at the cost of avoiding, denying, minimising or overlooking negative emotional states, it can become toxic quickly.<\/p>\n The overdoing of positive emotions is a maladaptive coping mechanism; one is desperate to \u2018seem happy\u2019 and avoid vulnerability in any form.<\/p>\n At a basic level, it is simply a behaviour to avoid anything even mildly \u2018negative\u2019, especially in conversations, believing that it will make life more positive.<\/p>\n Sneh Kapoor, a Delhi-based counsellor & psychotherapist, throws light on this mindset by explaining that toxic positivity is, at the base of it, a dismissive attitude to any negative emotion and an attempt to (almost forcibly) substitute it with a more \u201cpositive\u201d emotion.<\/p>\n She adds that while this mindset genuinely started out to help create a more positive and uplifting narrative about what seemed like hopeless situations, it is now a cause for concern.<\/p>\n \u201cWhile an optimistic outlook and a more hopeful\/positive perception of events are generally considered more desirable, this \u201cpositivity\u201d can often appear toxic when at the cost of genuine human emotions and experience,\u201d she emphasises.<\/p>\n While this attitude isn\u2019t new in itself, it has increasingly become prevalent, making it a cause for concern. According to Divya Srivastava, a counselling Psychologist and the founder of Silver Lining Wellness Centre, Mumbai, this is the result of living in a world of instant gratification and social media.<\/p>\n She points out that it aggravates our hedonistic side, where we only wish to pursue pleasure and avoid pain at all costs. \u201cSeeing others in distress is often an uncomfortable experience.<\/p>\n In a world where people only want to show their good side and happy days on social media, this mindset is growing in popularity.\u201d<\/p>\n And yes, what makes it easier is the multi-billion, new age industry filled with books, blogs and pep talks by influencers that sell us this idea, as Mumbai-based Dr Rizwana Nulwala, a psychotherapist, points out.<\/p>\n \u201cThere are new age speakers with little mental health background but good communication skills who encourage us to think positive. Families are not encouraging children to experience negative emotions and suppressing it by asking children to constantly look on the positive side,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n The downside of toxic positivity<\/strong><\/p>\n Emotions have a function, and when we deny, minimise or discount negative emotions, it becomes harmful. T oxic positivity can be downright harmful as the person at the receiving end will consistently have their experiences trivialised or dismissed, says Kapoor.<\/p>\n In an extreme version of this, one may be at the receiving end of consistent gaslighting and end up confused about their own inner world. \u201cFrom a relational perspective, a hardpressed focus on positivity does not allow one to really understand the other\u2019s perspective or approach them from a place of empathy.<\/p>\n This paves the way for weaker relationships, poorer communication, resentment and ultimately, weaker emotional bonds,\u201d she elaborates.<\/p>\n Toxic positivity leads to a stronger experience of negative emotions. When we shut down our experience of not feeling good by telling ourselves (or others telling us), \u201cThis too shall pass\u201d, or \u201cLook at the bright side,\u201d we are negating how we are truly feeling in the moment and disregarding our pain.<\/p>\n It leads to feeling isolated. Srivastava offers an insight into the feeling of isolation, saying, \u201cEvery time one opens Instagram, they\u2019ll see happy pictures of people on vacation, getting married, having a baby, or some other milestone. Behind the picture, maybe a totally different story which that person isn\u2019t sharing \u2013 because we are living in a world where positivity is embraced and celebrated; everything else, kept out and hushed,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n So yes, you shouldn\u2019t be telling a friend or loved one who is processing a breakup that, on the bright side, you should be glad you are out of it.<\/p>\n Not only is this deeply insensitive, but it also sends out the message that there is no space to vent or hold your pain. It can also trigger other unwanted behaviours.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen a person isn\u2019t able to find a safe space to share feelings, they may find comfort in substances like alcohol, cigarettes or activities like shopping to distract themselves from their pain,\u201d adds Srivastava.<\/p>\n Nulwala recounts an incident where a client narrated to her a traumatic experience of being abused with a smile. \u201cThis is not consistent with how s\/he is feeling,\u201d she remarks.<\/p>\n The inability to be in touch with what you are feeling doesn\u2019t give you an opportunity for problem resolution and keeps you out of touch with reality.<\/p>\n As Nulwala says, \u201cNegative emotions also have a function. Fear, anger, sadness help to calibrate life. We shouldn\u2019t overlook the value of these emotions.\u201d<\/p>\n Being in the moment and responding to what comes up authentically requires a measure of self-reflection. This helps in balancing both positive and negative emotions.<\/p>\n Saying that one should thrive at all costs can be mentally damaging and can affect the self-esteem of those perceived as not thriving.<\/p>\n Srivastava believes that it is important to find the right balance between acknowledging and making space for gratitude to form balanced emotional responses.<\/p>\n \u201cPracticing mindfulness helps. Grounded gratitude is healthier than mindless gratitude! Reflection and introspection also help,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n \u201cLook at what is upsetting you and work through it with friends, family, or a professional. Try to find outlets to channel your emotions, and don\u2019t keep chasing joy. Self-love and self-care look different for everyone. Honour yourself and your emotions \u2013 it\u2019s okay to feel your pain.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n