About 50% of marriages end in divorce when the spouses sadly discover that they have not married the person they believed in . Within the first year of marriage, incompatibilities and individual Emotional Intelligence problems come to the fore, and many couples do not know how to deal with these problems.
1. A violent approach
The first of these signs that predict divorce is the way an argument starts, because 96% of the time the way it starts can predict the way it will end. When a couple starts the argument in a negative way, making accusations or losing respect for the other, the argument is basically doomed to failure. The problem is not arguing, but the way you argue. The use of sarcasm, criticism and accusation means that the two members are not focused on negotiating, but are accusing each other. With that, one assumes that the other is the problem. Negativity shows in the tone of contempt, even if the words are said in a soft tone. The research showed that if the discussion begins with a “violent approach”, the end is predictably negative, even if you try to soften the tone during the discussion. You can predict the outcome of a quarter-hour conversation based on the first three minutes, according to Gottman’s work. If such an argument starts, it is even better to leave it and talk at another time. On the other hand, when a couple begins the discussion in a “softer” way, it is most likely that they will end the same positive tone.
2. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse : After the hard start, other negative attitudes may appear. They usually appear in this order: criticism, contempt, defensive attitude, and disdain.
I) Criticism: Everyone has something to say to their partner that they dislike, but it is good to distinguish complaint from criticism.
II) Contempt: Contempt is criticism with added hostility; it manifests itself through cynicism and sarcasm. The usual expressions are insults, a bored look, mockery and hostility.
III) Defensive attitude: When feeling attacked, the other bounces back saying that the fault is not his. Fight back to defend your innocence or avoid taking responsibility for the problem. It only serves to continue escalating the dispute.
IV) Disdain: During the discussion, one of the two does not show signs of listening, ignores, does not look and refuses to respond. It usually happens already at the end of relationships after much destructive contact.
3. Overflow
Although it seems that one of the two does not react and acts in a seemingly relaxed way, the truth is that it is holding back so as not to explode. That is why he takes refuge in the protection of disdain and tries to ignore the partner. Strives to disengage emotionally. Confinement himself is his only way of dealing with hostility.
4. Body expression
Psychologists have realized that they have no need to hear the dialogue of couples since just seeing the body reaction on the monitors is enough to see if they fight. The heartbeat increases to more than 100 per minute, hormonal changes occur such as adrenaline secretion and the general reaction of the body is the same as when preparing for fight or flight: sweating, short and heavy breathing and other signs of anxiety. In this situation, the information processing is deficient, as well as the attention capacity. When these bodily reactions are felt, it can be assumed that this discussion is only going to make things worse.
5. Failed repair attempts
Repair attempts are efforts to stop the escalation of tension during discussions. Expressions like “let’s calm down” can save couples by reducing stress and agitation. These postures prevent “the four horsemen of the Apocalypse” from unleashing themselves and directing the relationship. Couples that end badly are those in which criticism, belittling and defensive attitudes join failed attempts at repair, forming a hostile spiral. That is why the couple no longer react to conciliation efforts. What makes the difference between those who respond to the other’s attempts and those who do not is the quality of friendship in the couple.
6. Bad memories: The last sign of the bad state of a relationship would be the way in which the couple tells their past in common. When they are asked about something from their past and they choose negative moments or tend to negative the good ones, it is a common behavior of bad couples.
In short, strengthening the friendship relationship is by far the most important point in a happy couple.
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