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Friday, December 3, 2021

Between Mr. Available & Mr. Right

There’s one saying that comes to mind with this title, one that makes me chuckle: “If Mr. Right is not available, then drag the Mr. Available to the right and make him right”.

It’s sure a funny joke, if you think about it. However, it is the reality of what has always been done. Ask some grandmas, they would tell you they wouldn’t have married their husbands back then, but he was the only one available and ready when they decided (or perhaps their parents decided) to take the plunge.

Do I really blame people for dragging the ‘poor’ Mr. Available to the right? Maybe not. Is it advisable to do so? My answer would be no.

The fact is that, the world we live in is really making it difficult for singles- especially ladies- to be single in peace. People meeting you, even for the first time when they realize you are single are always quick to ask, “so when are we eating the rice?” as though it is in your control. The worst about being single perhaps, is people thinking you are the one that is not serious/ready. Meanwhile for quite some time, there’s been a real drought of men… if you understand what I mean.

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To an extent, we’ve been made to believe after university comes marriage, like life automatically follows a natural and stern pattern for everyone. Immediately you are born, your life is already mentally arranged for you. You first go to primary school, then secondary school; after which you go to the university and some seconds after graduation literally as a lady- you get married (not even get a job; your husband will take care of you). No one leaves the room for the mystery your life is and at that, the mystery and wonder it should become.

Do I blame people for having such sequence? Maybe no; because to an extent, it’s been what has been happening through the ages. When things happen that sequentially for a sustainable time, it is made a norm. So, everyone from no where just expects you to show up with a man after you finish school. It is an unspoken rule which makes the search for a fiancé (not even a boyfriend) a hard end goal, when in the final year at the university. And so after some years of leaving school and there is no sign of a wedding invitation coming up, people begin to ask rather impatiently- when are we eating the rice? Well, I once read someone’s epic reply- “at your funeral” even though it was said in her mind. You can imagine the extent of frustration that made someone come up with such reply.

Having said that, I really understand the pressure we get as ladies to get married. And sometimes pressures aside, our longings and desires of how we want our lives to be sometimes also push us to turn the Mr. Available into Mr. Right.

All that being said, who is Mr. Available? He is a guy that hovers around you, perhaps wouldn’t mind marrying you, but you know is not right for you, based on what you know you want in a man, and who in the long run you perceive yourself to be.

In some cases, it could be a friend that talks nothing about marriage but you decide to ‘seduce’ in some ways to save you from the ‘shame’ of not being married and also to give you a social status (Mrs.) so at least all your ‘enemies’ can shut up and perhaps you too can finally post your wedding pictures on social media (Social media palaver- a topic for another day).

Who is Mr. Right? A man you know without a doubt is right for you. A man you feel so peaceful about (The peace you have in your mind constantly over a stable period of time I believe is a vital factor in knowing if he’s right or not); a man you are happy and confident being with. This been said, being Mr. Right does not mean he is perfect, it only means for the most part, he ticks your innermost, true and sincere needs and matches truly who you see yourself to be in the nearest future.

The context of Mr. Right and Mr. Available already explained, why is it not advisable to make Mr. Available, Mr. Right? This is simply because it might lead to inner dissatisfaction and loss/lack of joy in the long run. The reasons why you quickly dragged him to the ‘right’ would fizzle out after a while, leaving you with the reality of the matter because those facts that made him not right in the first place that you know about but overlooked for the sake of getting married would get magnified over time. It would get magnified in a way that constantly annoys or irritates you, such that robs you of your joy and happiness of being with him.

Marriage, as we all know, is a magnifier of behavior, both the ones ignored and probably the ones acknowledged. For example if he was sincerely courteous before you got married, chances are that in marriage, he would not deviate from that and as a matter of fact, might become better at it. On the flip side, if he was an alcoholic before marriage (and being with an alcoholic man was what you knew you could not cope with), chances are that he either would not change. Status quo is maintained, or he would change for the worse.

It’s your choice. Knowing the expected consequence of a thing helps us to weigh our actions. In the long run, it helps us decide if we really want to stay with decisions that would make us appear successful on the outside, but burning fast on the inside; or decisions that makes us appear seemingly ‘losing’ on the outside but winning on the inside.

In the long run, we have our peace and sanity intact, and the choice to choose who we know from our gut is right for us peacefully and substantially remains. In addition to the latter is the assurance of being peaceful and joyful (provided the right things are put in place) when in the end we get married.

We have choice and freewill. We can decide to go for Mr. Available by dragging him to the right based on popular opinion, or decide to hold on to our peace and sanity by intentionally waiting for the right man to come into the picture while getting busy and focused in the process. Either way,the choice is up to us because in the long run, it is our life and we rule and run it just the way we want, and we think is best.

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