<\/p>\n
When women \u201chear\u201d the language of men, a sea change can happen.<\/p>\n
If you want to know what men want in order to be truly happy in their relationship, the answer lies in one thing: communication.<\/p>\n
For example, if you\u2019ve been in a relationship for a while now, you might feel like neither of you has much to say to each other these days. Bickering becomes a frequent pastime, and it seems he\u2019s only interested in being with you when he has sex in mind.<\/p>\n
When this happens, when \u2014 and how \u2014 can you start a conversation about it?<\/p>\n
\u201cBabe, can we talk?\u201d are among the most dreaded words in any language to the vast majority of men. He hears only, \u201cI\u2019m in trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
And so begins an unfortunate cycle that is repeated over and over again in homes, restaurants, and parks around the globe.<\/p>\n
Men know that they feel like they\u2019re in trouble when these words are spoken. What many men don\u2019t always know about themselves is why.<\/p>\n
The secret is that men\u2019s happiness in relationships depends largely on whether their partners are happy \u2014 and specifically happy with them.<\/p>\n
What a man really wants is to feel emotionally connected just as much as you do. Unfortunately, too often, these attempts to communicate and connect backfire. And it\u2019s so maddening and puzzling to both of you.<\/p>\n
He cleans off your car in every snow, shares the chores, approaches you for sex, works hard to be a good provider, and makes sure all the insurance premiums are paid.<\/p>\n
You tell him you want to spend more time with him, to improve the communication between the two of you, and want him to suggest some fun things to do together. However, he disappears into his man cave of stony silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat goes so wrong?\u201d you both ask.<\/p>\n
What is wrong is that he feels that he\u2019s tried so hard to show his love and affection \u2014 and you\u2019re not satisfied! Instead, he\u2019s in the doghouse again.<\/p>\n
What puzzles you is that you tell him what you want but he\u2019s not inspired.<\/p>\n
When you tell him what you want, he hears how he\u2019s fallen short. He feels he\u2019s failed in his job as a partner and retreats in shame, usually disguised as anger or withdrawal. Meanwhile, you feel misunderstood and deserted.<\/p>\n
In their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Dr Pat Love and Dr Steven Stosny assert that there are strong gender differences afoot, set in motion by biology at birth and solidified by socialization.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re taught how to avoid shame and fear according to our gender.<\/p>\n
What I so often hear from women is, \u201cHow do I cope with this man I love? How can I connect with him?\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer isn\u2019t complicated. But, it does require looking at effective communication skills through a different lens.<\/p>\n
The first step is to define what you mean by effective communication.<\/p>\n
Remember that you and your spouse have different communication styles. So, when you say, \u201cWe need better communication skills\u201d, you usually mean, \u201dI want you to understand me.\u201d<\/p>\n
And he wants this just as much. One major way a man communicates is to do things for his partner in the hopes of making her happy.<\/p>\n
When these efforts aren\u2019t noticed and put in the \u201cI feel loved\u201d column, he feels he hasn\u2019t been \u201cheard\u201d, much less understood.<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/90802745-affectionate-young-african-couple-standing-outside-on-a-sunny-day.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\nOne thing that really helps is to learn how to \u201chear\u201d the language of men. You might think, \u201cChanging the lightbulbs is great, but that\u2019s not what makes me feel loved.\u201d<\/p>\n
However, recognizing that this is his effort to love and care for you can be a game-changer. When he feels acknowledged and appreciated for these practical efforts, he is more likely to stay present with you and his man cave feels less beckoning.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If you disrupt the cycle of misunderstanding and missed cues, then the channels of communication have a much better chance of being open. He is, then, likely to be able to hear and understand you.<\/p>\n
Do you want to facilitate a dramatic shift towards a far more enjoyable relationship?<\/p>\n
Tough as is it, changing this cycle requires you to temporarily set aside your frustrations and build a bridge between the two of you. Knowing your neurobiological differences makes a world of difference<\/p>\n
In his book, Wired for Love, Dr Stan Tatkin states that partners who become experts on each other can learn what pleases and soothes their partners. Herein lies a critical key to a satisfying relationship.<\/p>\n
If you understand the differences in your neurobiology, those familiar arguments and impasses can fade and dissolve.<\/p>\n
As challenging as it may be, keep your sights on the big prize of a closer relationship if you want to learn how to communicate effectively.<\/p>\n
1. If you want him to be happy<\/strong> Don\u2019t:<\/strong>\u00a0Criticize him. Most issues that are tense between the two of you can be discussed without criticism.<\/p>\n See his eyes light up when you tell him you appreciate that he gets up and goes to work every day, regardless that you\u2019re doing the same).<\/p>\n What\u2019s important to him is that you know that the reason he does much of what he does is to make you happy.<\/p>\n 2. If you yearn for more of his attention<\/strong> Don\u2019t:<\/strong>\u00a0Complain that he\u2019s not affectionate.<\/p>\n You might complain that the only time he\u2019s affectionate is when he wants sex. Men often look to connect emotionally through inviting their partner into a sexual encounter.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re not in the mood, build a bridge between where you are and being open to touching. This could be a hot bath, a conversation, a foot massage, or a walk together.<\/p>\n If you have to pass, propose an alternative that is physically connecting and make good on a rain check for sex.<\/p>\n 3. If you\u2019d love more of his time<\/strong> Don\u2019t<\/strong>: Bring up issues loaded with negativity when you\u2019re having fun or some relaxing time together.<\/p>\n If you refer to things on his \u201cto-do\u201d list that hasn\u2019t been done, a pet peeve, or your best advice on how he could lose weight, he\u2019ll feel pounced on. That man-cave will seem very appealing.<\/p>\n 4. If you want to be understood<\/strong> Don\u2019t<\/strong>: Ambush him. Don\u2019t try to talk to him when you\u2019re angry. Don\u2019t lay out your self-improvement program for him. He\u2019ll only hear, \u201cHere\u2019s how you\u2019ve failed\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n If you unload on him when you\u2019re angry, his ears will close. Wait until you\u2019ve identified your more vulnerable feelings that triggered the anger first. He can more likely hear that you\u2019re hurt, feel ignored or unimportant.<\/p>\n These suggestions most likely won\u2019t feel easy to do. Yet, they work. Remember this is a win-win scenario. When couples feel connected, there are fewer problems.<\/p>\n With understanding and respect for your differences, it\u2019s possible to change this common cycle of his feeling he\u2019s failed and your feeling misunderstood and abandoned.<\/p>\n When men feel they\u2019re successful partners and women feel understood, there are few problems you can\u2019t tackle \u2014 together.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Source: yourtango.com <\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When women \u201chear\u201d the language of men, a sea change can happen. If you want to know what men want in order to be truly happy in their relationship, the answer lies in one thing: communication. For example, if you\u2019ve been in a relationship for a while now, you might feel like neither of you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":774191,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-774190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment"],"yoast_head":"\n
Do:<\/strong>\u00a0Accept and appreciate out loud all the things he does for you and your family.<\/p>\n
Do:<\/strong>\u00a0Be affectionate.<\/p>\n
Do:<\/strong>\u00a0Be that person anyone would want to be with. Listen to what he has to say, show interest, propose a fun activity, be complimentary.<\/p>\n
Do<\/strong>: Ask if this is a good time for him to listen to something important you have to tell him. Be a safe person for him to be in conversation with. Be vulnerable. Let him know that you realize he may not have intended to offend you.<\/p>\n