<\/p>\n
To be clear, checking out attractive people \u2014 rubbernecking every time a beautiful woman comes into view \u2014 is not cheating. There are plenty of forms of non-sexual cheating: emotional infidelity by text, emails with a passionate pen pal, or a recurring coffee date where you get deep into feelings.<\/p>\n
But looking? For your relationship, at least, it is mostly harmless \u2014 as long as you leave it at a glance.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust because you are in a committed relationship doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re dead \u2014 you\u2019re still going to notice beautiful people,\u201d says Caroline Madden, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in Burbank, California, and author of After A Good Man Cheats: How To Rebuild Trust & Intimacy With Your Wife. \u201cIt is human to glance, so if you notice someone good-looking, it\u2019s generally okay. It\u2019s more about not letting that slippery slope happen.\u201d<\/p>\n
That slippery slope is when you realize you\u2019re attracted to someone (fine), but then pursue further contact with them (not fine).<\/p>\n
\u201cGood men fool themselves into thinking there is no real risk of cheating and then get close to a person they are attracted to,\u201d says Madden. \u201cThat\u2019s why anyone you have the feels for in any way, shape, or form \u2014 no matter whether you think they feel the same way about you or not \u2014 you should not engage in a one-on-one relationship with them going forward.\u201d<\/p>\n
Research published last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology backs up the idea that looking at other attractive people alone doesn\u2019t dictate infidelity risk.<\/p>\n
After following 233 newlywed couples for three and a half years, researchers at Florida State University discovered that those who looked away quickly after spotting an attractive person were 50 percent less likely to cheat on their partner than those who held their gaze on someone they found fetching.<\/p>\n
Another new set of studies, published in the Journal of Family Psychology this past August, showed that looking at beautiful people besides your partner isn\u2019t necessarily risky \u2014 if you can exhibit self-control and resist acting on temptation.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhether looking at attractive people is harmful or not depends on the person doing the looking,\u201d says lead researcher Ashlyn Brady, a psychology graduate student at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. \u201cIf they have a high tendency to notice attractive people other than their partner, it can be a problem if they generally have low self-control or are experiencing impaired self-control, such as when they are tired, stressed, or intoxicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
Either situation, she says, may make someone more apt to cheat than someone who is adept at nipping temptation in the bud, even when they\u2019re sleep-deprived or drunk.<\/p>\n
Although these studies suggest that looking doesn\u2019t always dictate cheating, don\u2019t mistake them for a green light to ogle away without worry. If enjoying the scenery becomes a routine practice, it might be time to look inward and at the health of your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn general, if you start to notice other people more or there is someone who you want to look at or talk to more, it could mean you are not getting your needs met in your relationship,\u201d Madden says. \u201cThis is where taking that energy and putting it back into the relationship becomes so important. Ask yourself what is really going on.\u201d When men are feeling less-than or like their masculinity is being challenged, Madden says they, sometimes, start to seek validation from women. This, of course, can start that slippery slope.<\/p>\n
Another big caveat to the \u201cit\u2019s fine to look as long as you don\u2019t touch\u201d premise, is that it\u2019s never acceptable to eye up others while your partner is present \u2014 especially if it\u2019s more of a lingering look than a quick glance.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is extremely disrespectful to your wife, and she should have the reaction of \u2018what are you doing?\u2019\u201d Madden says. \u201cIf you have a regular habit of looking at other women, gazing a little too long, trying to make eye contact, or looking at their breasts while you are with your partner, you probably don\u2019t have the maturity to be in that relationship. Why are you trying to get this person\u2019s attention if the next step is not cheating?\u201d<\/p>\n
Taking all of this into consideration, don\u2019t beat yourself up for noticing someone who\u2019s good-looking, \u2014 but don\u2019t assume it\u2019s entirely safe either.<\/p>\n
Accept that you find the person hot, own the fact that you looked (quickly, hopefully), then move on. Any interaction with them beyond that, though, and you could be setting yourself up to make a huge mistake.
VIDEO-<\/p>\n