![\"\"](\"https:\/\/ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/1569305634_935_VANNESSMEMOIRADV2231.jpg\" "\\"Jonathan")
<\/div>New York – Jonathan Van Ness was having a late breakfast at the Empire Diner, around the corner from his one-bedroom apartment in the Chelsea neighbourhood of Manhattan.<\/p>\n
Seated in a window booth, he was serving what he calls his \u201c16th-century Jesus\u201d look: Hollywood-starlet tresses, a mustache a la a Super Mario villain and fingernails painted with cartoon depictions from the 1996 film \u201cThe First Wives Club.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
But Van Ness was not feeling his normal gorgeous self, the boisterous \u201cYass queen\u201d merman that fans of \u201cQueer Eye\u201d adore. He was hung over.<\/p>\n
And no, it wasn\u2019t from partying too much. It was a \u201cvulnerability hangover,\u201d to use a term coined by Bren\u00e9 Brown, a TED Talk-famous researcher, to describe feelings of dread after being forthcoming.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve had nightmares every night for the past three months because I\u2019m scared to be this vulnerable with people,\u201d Van Ness said.<\/p>\n
For much of the summer, Van Ness, 32, has been mentally preparing himself for the release of his piercing memoir, \u201cOver the Top,\u201d on September 26, in which a different image of Van Ness unspools with remarkable transparency.<\/p>\n
Subtitled a \u201cRaw Journey to Self-Love,\u201d the book doesn\u2019t so much explode as offer psychological insight into the hirsute gay fairy godmother in heels or, as he puts it, \u201cthe effervescent, gregarious majestic center-part-blow-dry cotton-candy figure-skating queen\u201d that he portrays on \u201cQueer Eye.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s hard for me to be as open as I want to be when there are certain things I haven\u2019t shared publicly,\u201d he said. He cracked his knuckles as he fidgeted from nerves. \u201cThese are issues that need to be talked about.\u201d<\/p>\n
He ordered another cup of coffee, his fifth of the day, and began tearing up as he spoke about a particularly painful memory, one of many that he divulges in his book. When he was much younger, he was abused by an older boy from church, during what was supposed to be a make-believe play session.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a lot of people who are survivors of sexual assault at a young age, we have a lot of compounded trauma,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, a 20-something woman with a ponytail appeared at the table. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, I can\u2019t take a picture right now,\u201d he said, discreetly wiping his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, that\u2019s fine. I just want to say that I love the show,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you. Namaste. Have a nice day,\u201d he said, clasping his hands in prayer.<\/p>\n
Van Ness exhaled and gently took a sip of coffee. \u201cIf you\u2019re having a terrible moment or in the middle of a conversation about something serious, people don\u2019t care,\u201d he said. \u201cThey want their bubbly J.V.N. and to get that major selfie.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Sex, Drugs and Hair<\/b><\/p>\n In a sense, the memoir was a way for Van Ness to tell his story without interruption. There are certainly moments that may make some readers pause.<\/p>\n Van Ness grew up in Quincy, Illinois, a small port city along the Mississippi River, where he was a self-described \u201clittle baby queen\u201d unafraid to embrace his femininity. It helped to have a mostly supportive family, including a mother he considers a lifelong best friend.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Van Ness family owns Quincy Media, a media company that operates 16 televisions stations in Illinois, Wisconsin and elsewhere, as well as two local newspapers. His mother, Mary Winters, is the company\u2019s vice president; his father, Jon Van Ness, worked in sales. (They divorced when he was 5, and his mother remarried four years later.)<\/p>\n At Quincy Senior High School (which he visits in the latest season of \u201cQueer Eye\u201d), he leapt over social norms to become the school\u2019s first male cheerleader. Never mind the beer bottles thrown at him during games.<\/p>\n He wasn\u2019t exactly popular, and students spread rumours about his friendship with a closeted boy from his swim class. Van Ness felt humiliated. \u201cI was too fat, too femme, too loud and too unlovable,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n His lack of self-esteem ran deep. As therapy would later reveal, the abuse he experienced as a young child planted the seed for other self-destructive behaviors. In his early teens, he spent hours in AOL chat rooms (this was the 1990s) and met up with older men for sex. One man, he recounts in the book, \u201cturned whiter than Ann Coulter\u2019s fan base\u201d after learning he was underage.<\/p>\n He found other ways to fill the void, including binge eating junk food like doughnuts when his stepfather died (he gained 70 pounds in three months).<\/p>\n Eager to leave Quincy, he earned extra credit to skip senior year and attended the University of Arizona in Tucson. But during his first semester, he blew a monthly allowance of $200 from his mother on cocaine, which he started doing on weekends.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Instead of asking his mother for more money (he was too ashamed and reckless at the time), he advertised sex for money on Gay.com, a chat and personals site.<\/p>\n He flunked out of college his first year – he was 19 – and sulked home with his ponytail between his legs.<\/p>\n Unsure what to do with his life, he decided to take the skills honed from styling the hair of his Barbie dolls to the next level and enrolled in an 11-month beautician programme at the Aveda Institute in Minneapolis, where his first clients included many Somali refugees.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After getting his certificate, he moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, (to be near his dying grandmother) and then to Los Angeles, where he supported himself as an assistant at a Sally Hershberger salon.<\/p>\n But his addiction to sex and drugs got worse. When he was in his early 20s, a couple he met on Grindr introduced him to smoking methamphetamine. He went to rehab twice and relapsed both times.<\/p>\n One day, when he was 25, he fainted in a salon while highlighting a client\u2019s hair. The next day he went to Planned Parenthood to diagnose his flu-like symptoms. He tested positive for HIV.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThat day was just as devastating as you would think it would be,\u201d he writes.<\/p>\n His Own Makeover<\/b><\/p>\n He cleaned up his act; he still drinks and smokes marijuana but says he hasn\u2019t done hard drugs in years. And, using money from a family trust, he started anew in Los Angeles.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Appropriately enough, his foray into entertainment began at the hair salon. During an appointment with his friend Erin Gibson, a comedian who worked for Funny or Die, the two came up with a parody series called \u201cGay of Thrones,\u201d in which Van Ness and a guest comedian offer campy, gay-themed recaps of \u201cGame of Thrones.\u201d<\/p>\n The show premiered in 2013 and became a hit. (It has been nominated for three Creative Arts Emmys for short-form variety series). Soon, Van Ness was offered roles as a red-carpet commentator and as a host of other web series.<\/p>\n Then, in 2016, his manager called with news that would truly flip his hair: Netflix was holding auditions for a reboot of \u201cQueer Eye.\u201d It took many weeks, but Van Ness eventually won the producers over.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In the show\u2019s four seasons, the \u201cQueer Eye\u201d cast has gone from fringe gay personalities to mainstream celebrities, with Van Ness as one of the series\u2019s breakout stars.<\/p>\n In a recent episode set in Kansas City, Missouri, he confronts the shame associated with traction alopecia, a form of hair loss that predominantly affects black women. It\u2019s a topic rarely discussed on television, especially by someone who is white.<\/p>\n On Twitter, Tressie McMillan Cottom, an author and professor of sociology at Virginia Commonwealth University, wrote: \u201cJonathan treating this sister with traction alopecia with love is more care than I can recall a regular black woman getting on TV ever.\u201d (When he was shown that tweet, he burst into tears.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Van Ness hopes to bring attention to what he calls \u201cgorgeous beauty moments\u201d like that with his memoir, especially misperceptions about being HIV positive. He is healthy and describes himself as an out-and-proud \u201cmember of the beautiful HIV-positive community.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhen \u2018Queer Eye\u2019 came out, it was really difficult because I was like, \u2018Do I want to talk about my status?\u201d he said. \u201cAnd then I was like, \u2018The Trump administration has done everything they can do to have the stigmatization of the LGBT community thrive around me.\u2019\u201d He paused before adding, \u201cI do feel the need to talk about this.\u201d<\/p>\n Just as he about to take a bite of his eggs at the diner, Van Ness was interrupted once again. This time it was a boyish young man who poked his head in the window to profess his admiration.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After another \u201cnamaste,\u201d which appears to be his shorthand for \u201ckindly leave,\u201d Van Ness resumed his thoughts. \u201cThese are all difficult subjects to talk about on a makeover show about hair and makeup,\u201d he said. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean \u2018Queer Eye\u2019 is less valid, but I want people to realize you\u2019re never too broken to be fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n New York Times<\/b><\/p>\n <\/div>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/ghanamma.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/1569305634_558_VANNESSMEMOIRADV228.jpg\")
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