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\u201cAs controversial as my situation is, my life has to go on,\u201d said Ernest, fresh from one of his frequent visits to his wife. \u201cI\u2019m in my early 50s and that means finding another woman to share it with. We could easily have another 30 years together\u2014and where would be the sense of waiting until Solape dies before I start to look for a new partner? Yet, meeting someone new in your 50s is hard enough without admitting why.\u201d<\/p>\n
But what of until death do us part? There will be many who believe it is wrong to move on before his wife has died. But Ernest insisted: \u201cBelieve me, barely a day passes without me thinking of our marriage vows. I know I promised we\u2019d be together in sickness and in health. I\u2019ve battled with my conscience and the guilt has been unbearable at times, but after hours of soul-searching, I\u2019ve reached the conclusion that there\u2019s simply no point in two lives being wasted. I would like another relationship while she is alive, but I\u2019d never divorce her to marry someone else. That goes against everything I believe. I would remarry after she died, but not while she is alive. I could sit at home alone every night, sinking deeper into depression, but my wife wouldn\u2019t want that for me, and I don\u2019t want it for myself either\u2026 .\u201d<\/p>\n
Ernest, a structural engineer with his own successful building maintenance company, has faced no opposition. According to him: \u201cEvery person I\u2019ve told\u2014friends, family members, even casual acquaintances\u2014has accepted it and agreed I should move on with my life. Some were initially shocked, but they quickly told me I was doing the right thing. Even the children have given their blessings. My first son, who is 30, told me he knew I had to move on simply because I can\u2019t carry on living the way I am. He knows I\u2019m so lonely on my own and there is no relationship between their mother and I any more. It wouldn\u2019t be fair to expect me to live like this for ever. But it doesn\u2019t make it any easier to deal with\u2014imagining me with someone else, thinking about another woman in their mum\u2019s place\u2014 that would be really hard to accept. But all the children want is for me to be happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
The couple got married in their early 20s, and as the children arrived and Ernest\u2019s business boomed, Solape became a full time wife. \u201cShe lived for the children and loved nothing more than having the family around,\u201d said Ernest. \u201cSome marriages crack under the strain of family life, but not ours. I loved her as much as the day we got married and as grandchildren came along\u2014all nine of them\u2014our home brimmed with little ones once more.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first warning something was wrong was when she began to find the noise too much. Soon after, she started having trouble putting on her clothes. At first, I\u2019d found it funny until she started having trouble with her eyesight, unable to see a drinking glass in front of her. She\u2019d go to pick it up but grasp at thin air just beside it. It always made her so angry\u2014imagine not being able to do something so simple\u2014but afterwards, she\u2019d go very quiet.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s as if the reality of what was happening to her was slowly sinking in, though she\u2019d never voice her fears. At first, I thought it might be motor neurone disease or multiple sclerosis. Alzheimer\u2019s never even crossed my mind. Why would it? She was only 51 when she started showing symptoms.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was our family doctor abroad that finally diagnosed the disease and it was a relief that we could finally start the right treatment. But on the other hand, I felt a crushing dread. Alzheimer\u2019s felt far worse than anything I\u2019d been worrying about. I would lose her once, when the last of her personality finally deserted her.\u00a0 Then I\u2019d be left with an empty shell until I lost her all over again when she died.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe children took it particularly badly. They were understandably angry to be losing their mother to Alzheimer\u2019s at such a young age. They later agreed she would be better cared for at our eldest\u2019s. Even after she settled to her new home, she kept crying. One day, she flew at me, punching, scratching, screaming\u2014 I snapped. I\u2019m deeply ashamed of it, but I even thought about harming her.\u201d<\/p>\n
When asked if, on some level he\u2019d put his wife into their children\u2019s care to allow himself space to move on he was definitive: \u201cI looked after my wife for as long as I could and it was during the subsequent nights alone that I started to ponder the future. The first time I visited and saw that blank look in her eyes, I knew I had to move on. She wasn\u2019t the woman I married any more.\u201d As for telling his children of his intentions, he said: \u201cWe\u2019ve always been very close and I want to see them all individually and came right out with it: \u2018I\u2019m looking for someone else\u2019 and braced myself forbears but they didn\u2019t come. They all just accepted it, as if it was inevitable.<\/p>\n
So, any luck yet? \u201cThere is someone I\u2019ve been seeing more of\u2014a friend of mine and Solape\u2019s who lost her husband last year. She\u2019d been a great support,\u201d he admitted. \u201cAt the moment, we\u2019re just good friend, but who knows where it might lead? She\u2019s family-oriented and has a heart of gold, but more importantly, she understands the situation and accepts it, which matters to me most.<\/p>\n
\u201cSolape will always be my responsibility and I\u2019ll continue to pay for her care and anything else she needs. Anyone I meet has to accept that Solape might not go so soon. If they have a problem with it, then it just wasn\u2019t to be. People will think it heartless, but it\u2019s not fair on anyone, even my wife. She still gets upset when I see her. Imagine how unsettling it will be when I\u2019m a total stranger to her. It\u2019s over for Solape and me, but I need to have a future.\u201d<\/p>\n
Vanguard<\/p>\n
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