Fatherhood<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
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Evelyn was only eleven when her life fell apart a few days after she came home on holidays from the fancy private school she attended.\u00a0 Her father, a flirty DJ and a renowned entertainer was her hero.\u00a0 \u201cThere was this almighty argument and dad left, fuming he\u2019d had enough. A few weeks later, I heard he\u2019d moved into he palatial home of a socialite a few years his senior.\u00a0 Needless to say, the relationship between my father and I never recovered. When he was home, he used to ache me to some of these wild concerts and\u00a0 children\u2019s parties where he entertained.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was some 15 years ago. Today, we have little or no contact. The last time I saw him, he was living with a scruffy looking friend, the fling that wrecked his marriage was obviously forgotten.\u00a0 All his trendy clothes were gone and he looked dull and grey beyond his years. Sadly, he is in denial when it comes to the break-up of the marriage and was quick to blame mum who he said wanted to trap him with children \u2013 responsibility he wasn\u2019t ready for. I really pity him \u2013 he was a failure, a disaster. The `senior girl\u2019 he was so eager to move in with threw him out when she couldn\u2019t condone his excessive drinking and womanising\u201d.<\/p>\n
It is sometimes the information that parents choose to withhold from children that wreaks the most damage. Maryam, an attractive girl of 15 was nine when her mother, Kike, whisked her away from her father without any explanation.\u00a0 Lie was piled upon lie until a bewildered young Maryam insisted she wanted to live with her father when she started secondary school.\u00a0 \u201cHis place was nearer to my school\u201d, she said, \u201cand I was curious to find out from dad what had really happened to fracture our family. Reluctantly, dad told me it was mum who considered the marriage to be dead. She just bolted, taking me and all the furniture with her.\u00a0 I\u2019m still bewildered about the way mum handled things \u2013 moving into a flat which I later learnt was rented for her by this bloated rich boyfriend of hers.\u00a0 He also got her a car and whilst I was living with dad, mum had another girl.\u00a0 My Money bag is not as forthcoming as he used to but mum deserves all the hardship she new experiences. It is only now we are rebuilding our relationship.<\/p>\n
For Joys, a 16-year-old undergraduate, the pain of separation is still raw \u2013 her parents split up only two years ago. A beautiful young woman, she is still quietly troubled, sometimes tearful. Her parents \u2013 an IT consultant and a school\u2019s administrator \u2013 don\u2019t seem to understand the depth of her wretchedness and can\u2019t conveniently explain why all that she knew and loved was torn down. Her family, says Joys, swims in a swamp of secrets and lies.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m somehow fearful of getting to the bottom of things because I suspected there\u2019s ugly stuff underneath. I believe I was the expense and challenges of bringing up children that led to the collapse of the relationship.\u00a0 Nothing was discussed with my two siblings and I. We were simply downgraded from our posh private school to public school. It was humiliating to say the least\u201d.<\/p>\n
Sadly, today\u2019s children are all too ready to blame themselves when their parents can\u2019t make heir marriages work or last. But boys handle the pain and confusion differently from girls.\u00a0 Nine years after his parents separated, Cornelius, an uncommonly serious 22-year-old has only just accepted his parents are not getting back together.\u00a0 \u201cWhen I was 12, they old me the time was ripe for them to split, but I thought: `I don\u2019t think it is. Things can be sorted out\u201d, he says.\u00a0 A typical reaction among children, unwilling to accept the finality of a decision way out of their hands. The tears he said came later.\u00a0 Did my parents ever worry about the effect the split would have on me?\u00a0 I know I worried intensely about how the loss of a father would affect me and whether I would go off he rails like some classmates in my shoes did. Thank goodness I have turned out well\u201d.<\/p>\n
As an Agony Aunt, I\u2019m frequently contacted by young people seeking advice. Not too long ago, a young man, now 17, and a silver spoon kid wrote to me. His parents are divorcing and he has no one he could confide in.\u00a0 Disabled by grief, fury and loss of faith, he raged:\u00a0 \u201cDad never told me anything. He never thought to consider me or my brothers and sisters, to think about how important our family is to us.\u00a0 We asked for a family meeting but we got none.\u00a0 I can\u2019t do my school work, can\u2019t sleep, eat. And they tell me it just happens.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t just happen. They do this to us. We didn\u2019t ask to be born. How do they think we will ever believe in love or marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another letter came from a young woman who described the day her family splintered as: \u201cjust like a car crash for us kids. Out of nowhere, this blow, this noise, the pain all over, loss of consciousness.\u00a0 You come out of it but are never yourself again.\u00a0 I am insecure, mistrustful, cry easily, expect the worst, break up with men before it gets serious. They did this to me. It\u2019s true, your mum and dad, they fxxx you up\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhile nobody should feel they must stay with bullying, abusive or truly unsuitable partners, once you have children, you can\u2019t just please yourself or indulge your own desires. It is really deplorable watching how many children are treated as objects by divorcing parents. Living together is not easy, but walking away has become all too easy.\u00a0 An intact family unit is more precious than anything else.<\/p>\n
How to avoid stressful people<\/strong><\/p>\nSurrounding yourself with energy-draining people not only makes you feel mentally exhausted, it takes a physical toll on your body too.<\/p>\n
\u201cNegative relationships are stressful, and this makes your body release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol which, over and extended period of time, can depress your immune system and make you\u00a0 more prone to developing illness\u201d, says Dr. Russel Roby, who specializes on how stress affects the body. That is why you need to make sure you surround yourself with energy givers not energy-takers.\u00a0 Follow Dr. Roby\u2019s three-plan steps.<\/p>\n
Step 1:<\/strong> Pinpoint the major players: <\/strong>\u00a0The individuals you spend most of your time with play a big role in how energetic you feel.\u00a0 \u201cPeople who support and encourage you and don\u2019t allow you to focus on negatives will boost your energy levels.\u00a0 Others, `however, can siphon your energy.\u00a0 You can normally tell who these people are because you\u2019ll feel exhausted after just 20 minutes in their company.\u00a0 Begin by making a list of the five or 10 people with whom you have the most contact each day and jot down how each one affects your energy levels.<\/p>\nStep 2: Prioritise your diary:<\/strong> Once you\u2019ve identified the key positive people in your life \u2013 whether I is a family member who gives you unconditional love, a colleague who continually supports you or a friend who never fails to cheer you up \u2013 do what you can to reinforce these relationships.\u00a0 Spending more quality time with these people will make you feel uplifted. Next, do things to show these people how much you appreciate them.\u00a0 Cook a special meal for your best friend, surprise your mum with presents or give your partner a message.\u00a0 When you give to those who energise you, it comes back in abundance.<\/p>\nStep 3: Dump energy-sapping enemies<\/strong>.<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s essential that you take bold steps to distance yourself from energy-drainers.\u00a0 For example, people who put you down or chip away at your self-esteem.\u00a0 Once you determine who they are, ditch or limit your contact with them.\u00a0 If it\u2019s someone you can\u2019t physically distance yourself from, such as your boss or your sister, try to remove yourself emotionally.\u00a0 Remember, you are in control of your reactions to their behaviour.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to\u00a0 be at the mercy of others. Try to put these people\u2019s behaviour in perspective top.\u00a0 Don\u2019t take on their problems to fall into the trap of always being the person they dump their problems on.\u00a0 Also discuss the situation with your positive friends to tackle the stress they cause.\u00a0 The result?\u00a0 Not only will energy enemies be less likely to emotionally exhaust you, but by taking control of the situation, you will feel empowered and energised!<\/p>\nRelated<\/em><\/h3>\n<\/p><\/div>\n
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