Each time Tina, 26, meets a new guy, her friend Annie knows what to expect. \u2018He\u2019s always really nice and crazy about her and everything\u2019s great for a few weeks.\u00a0 Then I get the inevitable phone call \u2013 Annie ringing to say, \u201cOh, I dunno, he\u2019s cute but \u2026\u201d Then she\u2019ll say he\u2019s becoming too serious, or she doesn\u2019t like his friends, or he\u2019s too this or too that.\u00a0 No long after, she\u2019ll have dumped him and, soon, the cycle will start again.<\/p>\n
Other women habitually get dumped, rather than do the dumping, after a few weeks of dating.<\/p>\n
Michelle, 31, who always seems to have \u2018six week things\u2019, says, \u2018I don\u2019t know what I do wrong. The men I meet are always keen in the beginning. But then, just when I begin to feel a bit settled and start calling him my boyfriend, the phone calls start petering out, he begins making excuses not to see me, and soon he\u2019s telling me he \u2018needs space.\u00a0 It\u2019s getting me down. It\u2019s hard to believe in yourself when you keep being rejected\u2019.<\/p>\n
But women like Annie, who keep getting dumped by their boyfriends, are not as different as they may seem from women like Michelle, who keep dumping their boyfriends.\u00a0 Psychologists say both are sabotaging their own relationships for reasons that have little to do with the men involved.<\/p>\n
\u2018Women like these are serial relationship-seekers\u2019, says clinical psychologist Ingrid Sturestrom.\u00a0 \u2018Not content to be single, these women pursue relationships \u2013 and find them. All\u2019s well until the partnership begins to change into something more serious, usually at around six weeks to two months.\u2019\u00a0 This is when some women bolt \u2013 telling themselves the guy is not good \u2013 and others push so hard to make the relationship more than it is that they push the man away. And then, they too can tell themselves that the guy was not good.<\/p>\n
Why couples shouldn\u2019t return infidelity for infidelity \u2014 Sex therapist, Ayoola<\/p>\n
But it usually isn\u2019t a question of being \u2018unlucky in love\u2019 as the women may complain to their friends, says Sturestrom.<\/p>\n
There are several common reasons why a woman will end a relationship just as it\u2019s becoming serious, she says.<\/p>\n
1.The manhunt:<\/strong> Sturestrom says it\u2019s often that, on an unconscious level the woman isn\u2019t ready for a committed relationship, but society makes it hard for her to admit that to herself.<\/p>\n\u2018There is still an inordinate amount of importance attached to finding a man to make our lives \u201ccomplete\u201d, she says. Ultimately, getting married still gives us status in society.<\/p>\n
\u2018Young women like Michelle have internalised this message without even realising it. Believing they need a man in their lives, they keep starting relationships when the reality of being in a relationship doesn\u2019t really suit them at all.\u00a0 Chances are, there isn\u2019t really anything wrong with the men they\u2019re meeting \u2013 the real problem is that these women aren\u2019t ready for everything a relationship entails.\u2019<\/p>\n
2.Fear factor: <\/strong>On the other hand, women could be afraid of letting themselves care about the relationship.\u00a0 \u2018Sometimes a woman gets out of a relationship because she wants it too much\u2019, says Sturestrom.\u00a0 \u2018Perhaps, she feels insecure or lacks self-esteem, and fears being rejected when the new man in her life \u201cfinds out\u201d how dull she is, or how stupid or how disorganised \u2026 or whatever flaw she believes she has.\u00a0 \u2018A woman like this may be subconsciously protecting herself by ending the relationship, convincing herself that there\u2019s something \u201cwrong\u201d with the man in question.\u00a0 This is easier to do, and much safer for the psyche, than letting the relationship develop to a point where her feelings for him will begin to make her vulnerable\u2019.<\/p>\n3.Show and tell:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jonas Bergman, a social worker and couples counsellor, says a third possible reason is not wanting to open up to another person.\u00a0 \u2018A woman who consistently meets men, then dumps them after a month or two, is likely to have serious intimacy issues.<\/p>\n\u2018At the beginning of a relationship, nobody is expected to bare their souls. You\u2019re getting to know one another and the relationship generally has a lightness to it. After a month or two of seeing one another a lot, the atmosphere usually intensifies and many people begin to talk about their feelings for each other.\u00a0 From this point, the relationship moves from being casual alliance between two people to being \u201ca relationship\u201d with a different modus operandi, and you commonly begin to place different expectations on each other. This is when women with intimacy issues panic and try to convince themselves it\u2019s the guy who is the problem, not them\u2019.<\/p>\n
Women like Annie, on the other hand, are so keen to be in a stable relationship that they scare men off. The more nervous they become that yet another relationship will end just as it\u2019s beginning, the more clingy they become \u2013 and the more likely they are to lose the men.<\/p>\n
4.Any man will do:<\/strong> People sense when they are liked not so much for themselves but for what they represent, and it isn\u2019t a good feeling. No man wants to feel less important to a woman than her plan for the future \u2013 to feel she wants a husband, home and children, and that he\u2019ll do to complete the picture. John, a 30-year-old dentist, says, \u2018With some women you get the sense that what they\u2019re after is not you, but what you can provide.\u00a0 They don\u2019t really give a damn about who you are, only that you have the credentials of \u201ca good catch\u201d. These women start talking about future plans before I even know them.\u00a0 They ask how I feel about moving in, and whether or not I like children.\u00a0 Suddenly, every night it\u2019s home-cooked meals, and I find myself at home on a Saturday night thinking, when did I get married?\u2019<\/p>\n5.Out of step:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2018Often, when younger women and men get together, their goals are not aligned\u2019, says Sturestrom.\u00a0 \u2018Women tend to be ready for an established relationship earlier than men, who spend more time playing the field and enjoying their freedom and singledom.\u00a0 Often young men drift into relationships because they\u2019re having fun and enjoying regular sex\u2019.<\/p>\nBut after a while they begin to realise that what their new girlfriend wants \u2013 a committed, monogamous relationship \u2013 doesn\u2019t fit in that well with the boys\u2019 nights out, and all those babes they run into at parties.\u00a0 \u2018Suddenly, the bountiful sex comes with a price tag, and he ends the alliance\u2019.<\/p>\n
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